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(step)MOM

I've been a stepmom for 12 days now. But we just say mom, or mommy, or this morning, mama. I think I'll call her Ladybug. I did a search on Offsprung and didn't see anyone else using that name for their kid. I forgot to mention on my profile that I'm geeky about names and naming. I've been thinking of her handle since last fall when her dad and I had only been dating about four months.

But now - NOW! She is MINE - whahahahaha!!!!!! Mine to read to at bedtime and drive to day care and help her get dressed and hurry along and love and cuddle and laugh with.

But she had another mom first. For two years, two months and 29 days, she had the most wonderful mom in the world. But then that mom died. My new mother-in-law told me that before Ladybug's first mom died, she was the happiest child you ever saw. Then, she didn't smile for a year.

Ladybug wakes up in the night and cries. She doesn't sound like a 5-year-old crying at those times. She sounds like a 2-year-old who just lost her mommy. It is so horrible. My poor baby. My poor husband. I'm widowed, too, so I understand losing a spouse. But until just the other night I did not comprehend how much a widowed parent has to go through. It happened three years ago and I want to cry for her now. I have.

I don't think anyone told me how much it hurts to be a mom.

Or did you?

.

Tags: crying, death, grief, hurt, orphan, pain, stepmom, stepparenting, widow, widower

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Comment by The Oracle on June 24, 2010 at 2:25pm: Okay, YOU just made me cry. I didn't know she woke up crying. Is it every night? Does she say what she's crying about?

I also didn't know the thing about not smiling for a year. That's ... wow. Wow. Hugs to you, and her, and him. I'm glad you came back to Offsprung. There are awesome people here.

Also, this post, from a very brief blog we wrote once. xoxo

Comment by mcglory13 on June 24, 2010 at 3:34pm: Oh goodness. Oh oh my. That child suffered, but she is lucky to have a stepmom who loves her and who understands that she cannot be a replacement for the first mom. I bet this will be a difficult parenting path, harder than I can imagine, but I hope we can be here to listen for you. :)

Comment by mightyninjamom on June 24, 2010 at 3:45pm: It's wonderful that you acknowledge her first mom. For now though, I guess all you can really do is pour the love on and hope that it does its job mending things. It's wonderful that she calls you 'mama'. It sounds like you are off to a good start.

And yes, being a mom can hurt a lot, in very unexpected ways. I was blindsided by that as well with my own kids.

Comment by Egggirl on June 24, 2010 at 4:03pm: It's not every night, but nearly, at least since I moved in a week ago. She used to wake up crying fairly often when I would hang out there late. Mostly she says it's because she wants to be with Daddy. Sometimes she doesn't know why she's crying. I know this transition has got to be really, really tough on her, because in addition to getting a new mom (which is great, but emotionally complicated), she's been sleeping in dad's bed since mom #1 died, and now has to sleep in her own room. I think all three of our hearts broke when he escorted her back to her room the night before last. Oh, shit. I really shouldn't be writing about this at this time of the month.

Comment by Mommy Monster on June 25, 2010 at 6:15am: Wow. So much pain and sadness along with love and hope mixed up in one short post. I think you're right, the transitions she's going through (all of you are going through) will bring the emotions to the surface. But it sounds like you've got a really strong foundation to build on and things will settle in over time.

Comment by The Oracle on June 25, 2010 at 7:00am: Oooooooohhhhh. Well ... at the risk of offering unsolicited advice, I'm going to offer some unsolicited advice. Because I know you and I love you and I have opinions.

You might want to postpone transitioning Ladybug* to her own bedroom for a little while. Daddy's been her security blanket for the last three years and now's the time when she needs that most of all. While I totally understand that you want to share the bed with your new husband, I think that transitioning her to her own bedroom right now may be (a) too much upheaval all at once and (b) a set-up for long-term resentment of you for, quite literally, taking her place.

If you feel really strongly about not having her actually in the bed, is there any reason she couldn't sleep on a mattress on the bedroom floor next to Daddy's side, at least for a little while as a first step in the transition? Also, is there a reason she has to always go back into her bed, from the get-go? Lots of kids crawl in with Mom and Dad in the middle of the night, after going to sleep initially in their own beds.

If it breaks all your hearts, why do it now?

* Ladybug = PERFECT. She is totally a Ladybug.

Comment by mcglory13 on June 26, 2010 at 10:57am: I think what The Oracle says makes sense. We just moved, he's starting a new school, and we have another three-year-old visiting and our toddler is stressed to the max. He's in our bed every night, which sucks, but I think is necessary for him right now to keep his emotional world together with all the other changes.

Comment by kanachick on June 26, 2010 at 5:38pm: Oh heck - my 7 year old spent the last two nights in our bed because my husband was away on business. Kids in parent beds is really no big deal - I mean, it's easy for me to say since it's been my reality for a long time but there's no rule that kids have to sleep in their own beds every night. She'll move out of your bed when she's ready - my 12 year old hardly ever comes into our bed anymore.

Comment by Egggirl on June 28, 2010 at 9:02am: Yeah. I would agree if (a) we weren't newlyweds and (b) I hadn't already seen/read a lot of horror stories about stepfamilies that fall apart because the "bloodies" cling together under stress and push out the step. Nevertheless, we talked about it and decided we'd let her stay the next time that happens.

Drumroll, please ... it hasn't happened since. I brought Mikey the cat with me when I moved in, and she has decided that she can't sleep without him in her bed. Everybody's happy, probably Mikey the most.

Even though I'm new to the parenting conversation, I know that co-sleeping is a hot-button issue.

Comment by Herasmus B. Dragon on June 28, 2010 at 9:44am: Go Mikey! I'm so glad that simple family addition has given her a buddy to share her own bed with.

(step)MOM

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