Safety Dance

Little Girl had her first brush with crime recently. That time when the K-9 Unit chased a guy through our backyard doesn’t count since she was only a baby. This incident was a lot less dramatic, but still pretty unnerving. Some guy followed a parent into our little cooperative preschool at pick-up time, walked down the hallway to the cubby area, and helped himself to some purses (not mine, thankfully, although it was sitting right there with a big “steal me” sign on it).

The kids were in a separate classroom with the door closed and never saw the guy. But a handful of them were right there when the adults started putting the pieces together. The mood was calm but very serious as we called the police, reassured each other, and expressed general outrage and frustration. Some of the kids were playing quietly, confused but happy to get a little extra time at preschool. But Little Girl and her friend were getting all Nancy-Drew-and-Bess on the case.

I didn’t realize exactly how tuned-in Little Girl had been until later that night, when she started offering alternative versions of the story in a shy little voice: “And then, we chased the robber down the street and got the purses back.” Each time, I gently explained that the mommies did not get their purses back . . . which was met with a heartbreaking “Does not compute” expression on her cherubic little furrowed brow.

Then she announced a joyful solution: “We can make some big dinosaurs to scare away the robber!” And all weekend long, she talked about those dinosaurs. Who would help make them, where we should put them, which kinds of dinosaurs we should make. She’d add more details each time, but the idea remained the same. “Scare away the robber.”

“I don’t think he’s coming back,” I tried to reassure her at bedtime.

“Yes he is,” she whispered, looking out the window with concern.

Her teacher recommended that if she wants to talk about the thief, we should humanize him as much as possible. And the minute he said that, I flashed on the word “robber” and realized she might actually not imagine him as human at all. Think about it. What does a “robber” look like to a preschooler?


Dora the Explorer

The Supermarket Mystery

Where is the Cake?

My first order of business was to explain to her, the next time she brought it up, that our “robber” didn’t look like robbers in books. No mask, no sinister eyes. He was just a man, like Daddy. She seemed genuinely relieved. Before the week was over, she was back to her old sunny self – especially after she and her teacher sat together at the art table and drew some dinosaurs.

This isn’t the first time she’s ever been afraid of something. But it’s probably the first time she’s been afraid of something that actually does warrant vigilance. Some of the other preschool parents were thinking it might be time for some “stranger danger” lessons. Not a bad idea. Like many parents, I suspect, I always seem to be putting off that particular topic. It’s not an easy one.

When The Boy was younger, we borrowed The Safe Side DVD from the library. Yes, the very notion of Baby Einstein founder Julie Aigner-Clark teaming up with that “America’s Most Wanted” guy was almost as eye-rollicious as those teach-your-baby-to-read DVDs. But the topic felt too big and fraught with hypotheticals to improvise my own way through it. So, even though it’s not my preferred method, I was hoping that just this once I could sit back and let good old television field that one for me (or at least get the discussion started).



The Sarah-Silvermanish actress was entertaining enough, and the basics were good (don’t answer the door without an adult, don’t help some stranger look for his dog, etc). But it was trying awfully hard to be all “Hey kids, it’s cool to be wary of strangers!” The production was so zany and fast-paced, I’m sure most of it went right over The Boy’s head. At the time, I quietly slid the DVD into the “return to the library” pile after we’d watched it once. Perhaps it would be more effective for older children.

The thing is, it’s not always strangers that threaten kids in the first place. Sure, you hear those stories in the news in which a stranger leaps out of the bushes and snatches a child. But those incidents are few and far between (and we often find out that it wasn’t a stranger who did it after all, but maybe an estranged parent or a friend’s stepfather or Janet Reno).



I definitely think the “stranger safety” topic has its place, but it’s not the whole story. You can’t always predict who’s going to be a safe adult and who’s going to be a dangerous one. The only constant is the children themselves and how they interact with adults – safe or otherwise. Do they understand that “no” is an option, even if it’s in response to a trusted adult?

There are plenty of good children’s books on this topic (and on stranger safety, too). One of my favorites is It’s My Body by Lory Freeman. Since it’s such a sensitive subject, I’d recommend checking out the selection at the library and just see which books would work best for your family.

Meanwhile, there are little things we can do every day to help teach our kids that their bodies are theirs. It can be as simple as not forcing food in the baby’s mouth. Or not forcing Junior to give Aunt Bertha a hug, or even to smile if he doesn’t feel like smiling. (I’ve heard of older men offering little girls a quarter to smile. Um, no thank you.) The point is, it’s okay to let our kids trust their “no” impulse instead of forcing them to override it to please the adults. Little Girl’s teacher has a great post about this on his blog.

Of course, there’s no substitute for common sense. A few years ago, I made the mistake of insisting on some bathroom privacy and returned to find the back door open and both my kids missing. I found Little Girl (a toddler at the time) in the garage, happily tracing the letters on our car’s license plate. The Boy was nowhere. I called and called. I picked up Little Girl and did a full lap around the house before running down the sidewalk in both directions, calling him. He finally turned up in the house. He’d been in the front yard and went back inside when he first heard me calling.

Well, there was no friendly little safety DVD that time. I don’t even remember what I said, but it was probably my most old-school fire-and-brimstone parenting lecture to date. They haven’t tried anything like that since then.

But I keep the doors locked, just in case.

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