Despite terrible reviews, GI Joe
is a big hit. So are the overly long, noisy, nonsensical Transformers
movies. It’s clear that these flicks aren’t popular because of quality; they’re popular because people have a soft spot for the toys on which they are based.
Some have accused Hollywood of being bankrupt of new ideas, but I what’s really going on is that Hollywood has brilliantly figured out that if they sell it to us, we will re-buy our childhood from them—in shiny new packaging. And buying it we are. The Hollywood studios understand and exploit our instinctual need to flock to these movies, so they are diligently working on many more movies based on toys and games.
Right now, studio executives are tearing through their parents’ basements in order to find inspiration for the next big hit. I figure I can make their jobs easier by presenting this list of the next toy and game inspired movies that should hit the big screen. (You’re welcome, Hollywood):
From the director of the last four Saw
movies comes the terrifying tale of a colorful alien substance that falls to earth and slowly takes over a small town. Audiences will recoil in horror at the climactic moment when the doh squishes through the grate in the floor of a small factory. (A direct to DVD knock off, Silly Putty
, is due out soon after.)
Vibrating Football Game
Jason Statham is a tough, but tender man, sent to prison after being falsely accused of the murder of his wife. There he is forced to enter a deadly prison sport run by an evil warden.
A shy teen boy (played by one of the Jonas Brothers—it doesn’t matter which) discovers that the only way he can communicate with the girl he has a crush on (Hayden Panettiere) is by leaving her brightly colored messages taped to a glowing box.
After a nasty falling out, next door neighbors, and former best friends (Jack Black and Will Ferrell), compete to see who can take the world’s record for longest slinky run down a flight of stairs. But competition actually brings them closer together and they each learn the true meaning of friendship.
From Judd Apatow comes the funny but heartwarming story of three men (Seth Rogen, Paul Rudd and Jonah Hill) whose compulsion to hang around their houses and talk about sex, drugs and video games is so great, it forces their wives out. Leslie Mann plays all three wives.
Two brothers (Gerard Butler and Daniel Craig) on opposite sides of the world, and the law, each possess a special shield that allows them to deflect and send a missile back and forth. Only one can survive, but who?
A high school nerd (Zac Effron) plots revenge against a bully using the only weapon he has and the element of surprise.
A young girl (Dakota Fanning) finds a magical tablet where anything she draws comes to life, as long as it doesn’t have any rounded edges.
Sit & Spin
In this tense thriller, a group of spoiled, rich teens participate in a dangerous, mind-altering experiment. Starring Chace Crawford, Ashley Tisdale and a whole host of other kids from the CW.
Clint Eastwood makes his triumphant return to the western as a grizzled man who beats the odds in order to build his dream house during the early days of the Gold Rush.