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Raiders of the Toy Chest
Despite terrible reviews, GI Joe is a big hit. So are the overly long, noisy, nonsensical Transformers movies. It’s clear that these flicks aren’t popular because of quality; they’re popular because people have a soft spot for the toys on which they are based.
Some have accused Hollywood of being bankrupt of new ideas, but I what’s really going on is that Hollywood has brilliantly figured out that if they sell it to us, we will re-buy our childhood from them—in shiny new packaging. And buying it we are. The Hollywood studios understand and exploit our instinctual need to flock to these movies, so they are diligently working on many more movies based on toys and games.
Play Doh
From the director of the last four Saw movies comes the terrifying tale of a colorful alien substance that falls to earth and slowly takes over a small town. Audiences will recoil in horror at the climactic moment when the doh squishes through the grate in the floor of a small factory. (A direct to DVD knock off, Silly Putty, is due out soon after.)
Vibrating Football Game
Jason Statham is a tough, but tender man, sent to prison after being falsely accused of the murder of his wife. There he is forced to enter a deadly prison sport run by an evil warden.
Light Brite
A shy teen boy (played by one of the Jonas Brothers—it doesn’t matter which) discovers that the only way he can communicate with the girl he has a crush on (Hayden Panettiere) is by leaving her brightly colored messages taped to a glowing box.
Slinky
After a nasty falling out, next door neighbors, and former best friends (Jack Black and Will Ferrell), compete to see who can take the world’s record for longest slinky run down a flight of stairs. But competition actually brings them closer together and they each learn the true meaning of friendship.
Sorry
From Judd Apatow comes the funny but heartwarming story of three men (Seth Rogen, Paul Rudd and Jonah Hill) whose compulsion to hang around their houses and talk about sex, drugs and video games is so great, it forces their wives out. Leslie Mann plays all three wives.
Pong
Two brothers (Gerard Butler and Daniel Craig) on opposite sides of the world, and the law, each possess a special shield that allows them to deflect and send a missile back and forth. Only one can survive, but who?
Silly String
A high school nerd (Zac Effron) plots revenge against a bully using the only weapon he has and the element of surprise.
Etch-a-Sketch
A young girl (Dakota Fanning) finds a magical tablet where anything she draws comes to life, as long as it doesn’t have any rounded edges.
Sit & Spin
In this tense thriller, a group of spoiled, rich teens participate in a dangerous, mind-altering experiment. Starring Chace Crawford, Ashley Tisdale and a whole host of other kids from the CW.
Lincoln Logs
Clint Eastwood makes his triumphant return to the western as a grizzled man who beats the odds in order to build his dream house during the early days of the Gold Rush.
Some have accused Hollywood of being bankrupt of new ideas, but I what’s really going on is that Hollywood has brilliantly figured out that if they sell it to us, we will re-buy our childhood from them—in shiny new packaging. And buying it we are. The Hollywood studios understand and exploit our instinctual need to flock to these movies, so they are diligently working on many more movies based on toys and games.
Play Doh
From the director of the last four Saw movies comes the terrifying tale of a colorful alien substance that falls to earth and slowly takes over a small town. Audiences will recoil in horror at the climactic moment when the doh squishes through the grate in the floor of a small factory. (A direct to DVD knock off, Silly Putty, is due out soon after.)
Vibrating Football Game
Jason Statham is a tough, but tender man, sent to prison after being falsely accused of the murder of his wife. There he is forced to enter a deadly prison sport run by an evil warden.
Light Brite
A shy teen boy (played by one of the Jonas Brothers—it doesn’t matter which) discovers that the only way he can communicate with the girl he has a crush on (Hayden Panettiere) is by leaving her brightly colored messages taped to a glowing box.
Slinky
After a nasty falling out, next door neighbors, and former best friends (Jack Black and Will Ferrell), compete to see who can take the world’s record for longest slinky run down a flight of stairs. But competition actually brings them closer together and they each learn the true meaning of friendship.
Sorry
From Judd Apatow comes the funny but heartwarming story of three men (Seth Rogen, Paul Rudd and Jonah Hill) whose compulsion to hang around their houses and talk about sex, drugs and video games is so great, it forces their wives out. Leslie Mann plays all three wives.
Pong
Two brothers (Gerard Butler and Daniel Craig) on opposite sides of the world, and the law, each possess a special shield that allows them to deflect and send a missile back and forth. Only one can survive, but who?
Silly String
A high school nerd (Zac Effron) plots revenge against a bully using the only weapon he has and the element of surprise.
Etch-a-Sketch
A young girl (Dakota Fanning) finds a magical tablet where anything she draws comes to life, as long as it doesn’t have any rounded edges.
Sit & Spin
In this tense thriller, a group of spoiled, rich teens participate in a dangerous, mind-altering experiment. Starring Chace Crawford, Ashley Tisdale and a whole host of other kids from the CW.
Lincoln Logs
Clint Eastwood makes his triumphant return to the western as a grizzled man who beats the odds in order to build his dream house during the early days of the Gold Rush.
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Comment by Teacher Tom on August 17, 2009 at 8:08am -
Ha ha ha . . . I loved the way you went the extra mile and cast the movies. Seth Rogan would definitely be cast in Sorry.
These could all just be Pixar spin-offs of Toy Story.
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Comment by Annaevilred on August 17, 2009 at 10:30am -
I'd totally watch the slinky movie - after getting drunk with my brother. It would be great. Also would watch the Pong one - I'm a sucker but those 2 guys.
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Comment by Alan on August 17, 2009 at 1:20pm -
Tinker Toyz -- Directed by Micheal Bay and starring Shia LeBoueuf. No plot, just wooden structures being blown up while Shia's character laughs at the audience.
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Comment by Alan on August 17, 2009 at 1:25pm
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I was hoping Bay would move out of his formula, but perhaps that is asking too much...
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Comment by NotClooney on August 17, 2009 at 1:37pm -
Mcglory13, no one forgot about her. In fact, at this very moment I am in the process of designing a whole board game around Megan Fox's lower back.
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Comment by CrazyPlateFace on August 17, 2009 at 2:45pm
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Reeling, the prison sporting the vibrating football game should either be scheduled only during earthquakes, or should be open exclusively to prisoners with Parkinson's.
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Comment by Reeling on August 17, 2009 at 4:02pm
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Capp...I appreciate your analysis, but you're totally over-estimating Hollywood thinking. My above theory aside, it's all about name recognition. That's why there are so many sequels and remakes. Plus, toy sales.
Alan...You are my new hero for your Tinker Toyz pitch.
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Comment by Alan on August 17, 2009 at 4:28pm
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I was inspired by this from Robot Chicken (warning, a sexual innuendo!).
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Ah Michael Bay. I do love you so.
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Capp...Agreed. They made that movie, it was called Watchmen. It didn't do very well.
This fake list aside, the real toy movies they have in development isn't that far off. They are working on Candyland, Monopoly, Hot Wheels, Stretch Armstrong, Lego, View Master (seriously, not kidding about that last one). So it appears that studios aren't overly concerned with toys that provide easy road maps for story.
However, I think it's possible to make great, simple popcorn movies without dumbing them down. For example...Iron Man or the Star Trek reboot. That's what gets me about these movies...it seems that because there is a built in audience for them, they don't have to work as hard to make them good.
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