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Power to the Kids’ Table!

Who’s ready for a little “Goofus and Gallant” action, here? Gallant first:

I just finished writing a nice little article about nutrition for Little Girl’s preschool newsletter. I’m not much of an expert on the topic myself, but I was writing about Cynthia Lair, this amazing lady who spoke at our Parent Advisory Council’s event last week. She’s a nutritionist, she wrote this cookbook, and she does a great Web series called “Cookus Interruptus.” Check it out:

So, that was Gallant. And now…

Me.

It’s impossible to go to one of these nutrition lectures (much less write about it) and not start tallying up your own “goods” and “bads,” even though that’s not what Lair is all about. She spent a fair amount of Q & A time just trying to reassure fretful parents that it’s okay! (It’s okay if your kid really likes eggs and eats a lot of them! It’s okay if your kid doesn’t drink any milk at all, ever!) But she is a big advocate of fresh/local/organic/etc. And – like all responsible advice-to-fretful-parent-givers – she’s a big advocate of family mealtimes.

And that’s where we part ways. Say hello to Goofus.

I don’t do family mealtimes. I know, I know, I know. I don’t do them anyway. We have an Ikea kids’ table in the living room where Impy & Chimpy sit down and enjoy their (mostly) fresh/local/organic meals together. And we have a rickety old table in the kitchen –the only piece of furniture from Mr. Black’s bachelor days that’s not stashed away in the basement – where we pile the mail, do our messier art projects, and let the kids “help” us cook. And that’s where I hole up for some nourishment and solitude while the kids eat in the other room.

I love my kids. Sometimes I actually miss them when they’re at school, and I’m continually amazed at these brilliant, funny little people. They are the light of my life. I love spending time with them. I just don’t want to eat with them.

Really, I don’t much care to eat with anybody. I love food, and I enjoy it so much more when I can just be quiet and relax, think my thoughts, maybe read or take notes for something I’m writing. It can be fun to share a meal sometimes, if it’s with someone I really love and trust. But I don’t like people noticing what I eat, or how much, or whether I have sauce on my face or sesame seeds in my teeth. It shuts the appetite right down.

And nothing shuts the appetite down like navigating my way through a family meal – making sure everyone stays in their seats, wiping faces, jumping up to refill drinks, reinforcing politeness, vegetable coaxing. It’s work. And who can enjoy a meal in the middle of work?

I think my kids do pretty well having their own little mealtime. I put the food on their table, toss them some napkins, peek in a few times to make sure no one’s choking to death, and the expectations are clear. They stay in their seats, they use their napkins. Okay, they don’t always use silverware. But they converse with each other. And they eat! Little Girl, for example, won’t touch a carrot if I’m in the room. It’s like she can sense the will of my “eat your damn vegetables” vibe. Or maybe she hopes that eventually I’ll give up and bring her something yummier. But the minute I’m not in her face, she picks up those carrots and nibbles away.

I’m not advocating for the end of family mealtimes. I’m sure there’s been study after study that proves my method wrong, wrong, wrong. I’m just saying this works for us, for now. We spend plenty of time conversing and interacting with each other away from the table. We read to them, play with them, volunteer in their classrooms, discuss all manner of topics from earthquake faults to unicorns. And they are capable of joining grown-ups at a table and using silverware if the situation requires it (family gatherings, restaurants, etc.).

These kids know they are valued and loved. They also know that mealtime is mommy’s quiet time. And – at least for this family – that’s okay!

Tags: Cookus Interruptus, Cynthia Lair, family mealtime, nutrition

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Comment by The Oracle on April 18, 2010 at 8:27pm: Wow. No family dinners? That's so punk rock of you.

I have to go sit with this, and some ice cream, for a while.

Comment by Alan on April 18, 2010 at 9:14pm: I've seen you eat.

Comment by Daddy Geek Boy on April 18, 2010 at 9:35pm: I don't get to have family dinner very often, but when I do I enjoy sitting down with the family. Not because it's a relaxing meal. Today, I stood over Sprout's chair shelling edamame beans for her while she shoveled them in just as fast as I could put them on the plate. Not to mention the fact that we're eating at 5pm. I feel like a senior citizen.

I can't wait until the kids can eat on their own. But then I'm sure I'm going to miss family meal time.

Comment by TommysMommy on April 18, 2010 at 9:42pm: I have to admit that one of my favourite things to do while eating is read. So I get really annoyed when people want to TALK to me while I'm eating. I've rationed myself to reading only at breakfast and lunch. We do try to do a family dinner but it's hard when the 3 year old is the only one talking cause no one else can get a word in edgewise.

Comment by Bertha Waterbury on April 18, 2010 at 9:49pm: My husband is never home in time for dinner because we too hit the early bird special every night at 5. I don't necessarily actually eat with them but I do sit there and we talk about our favorite part of the day. I also try to encourage the almost two-year-old to please, for the love of god eat something.

That being said, I'm all for the idea: if mom's happy the kids will be happy. If having some time to yourself while you eat is important to you and helps you to feel like you've gotten some space, then forcing yourself to have a family dinner and possibly resent it isn't going to do anyone any good. Good conversations can happen anywhere. We have our best ones in the car. We live in LA, something good has to happen in the car.

Comment by kommishoner on April 18, 2010 at 9:56pm: My theory is that the push for family mealtime is (at least once the kids are old enough not to be learning by emulation) about getting people to have the kind of connection you make with your kids at other times.
We do dinner together usually, which I enjoy as a way to decompress from my day. The life duet cooks, and the little man usually announces he's done 30 seconds into it, but it flows way more easily than it used to when we all ate at different times. Breakfast, on the other hand, I want to be alone, which never happens. But I would be very happy if it did.

Comment by Mamawho on April 19, 2010 at 3:55am: The thought of your little ones having dinner table conversation is really cute.

We haven't eaten at the table in months. Our chairs are terribly uncomfortable. That's my dinner shame confession.

When GirlWho was younger, I'd sit with her and have a snack while she ate her dinner. DaddyWho would be in charge of bath and bedtime, and I'd finish our dinner, which we'd eat when she was in bed. We prefer to eat dinner late, but we shoot for around 6:30-7 now that GirlWho eats with us. She's a good dinner companion now, and she helps get our silverware and salt and pepper, and doesn't argue too much about her food.

Comment by hermit crab on April 19, 2010 at 6:07am: I am so with you on the preferring to eat alone over eating with small people. God, I find eating while simultaneously doing childcare so unpleasant that I don't even like food anymore. I have vague memories of enjoying restaurants once upon a time. I can't really remember why.

We eatish together in the evening, but I wouldn't really call it dinner. Which, to my mind, is a good thing - I think "dinner" comes with far too many of those expectations you list to be a good fit for us right now. Who needs the pressure? We get enough calories through the day and since we're all home together right now, we have plenty of family time. That will be changing soon and I expect dinner will too, but I'm enjoying not having to play the game right now.

Comment by Boring User Name on April 19, 2010 at 1:32pm: We have been eating together now that the kid goes to bed at 8 pm, but it is hectic and not always fun. I think I do it, because I'm just not capable of cooking more than one meal. We have started asking The Kid to tell us about his day. He only has around 50 words, but I do love to listen to him tell the stories. I do love your kid's table concept, though. When the Kid has friends over, it is a lot of fun to sit them at one table and have adult conversation at the adult table.

Comment by DLBK on April 19, 2010 at 1:44pm: We hang out with our son while he eats (and help feed him), but out dinner usually comes after he's gone to bed. I also dislike dinner as childcare.

Power to the Kids’ Table!

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