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Parenting Through The Blues
Dear Alternadad:
This question isn't just for me. It's for a lot of people I know who deal with this. How does one parent through depression?
Melancholic Mom
Dear Melancholic Mom:
Assuming that your depression isn't so bad that you need to be hospitalized, it's not really an option to abandon your parenting responsibilities. The one solace you can take is that your kids won't realize you're depressed. When you're weeping on the sofa in the middle of the day--and haven't we all been there?--they might think that mommy (or daddy) is "sad," but, unless they're some sort of rare emotionally intuitive savant, the concept of soul-crushing existential angst is beyond them. Set simple goals of getting food on the table, giving baths, putting out some toys and maybe reading them a book. When you're down, any über-parent stuff like playdate-arranging or co-op volunteering or, heaven forbid, crafting, can and should go out the window. Your kids won't remember that stuff anyway. What they will remember, at least vaguely, is feeling loved, protected and nurtured by another human being, even if that human being was struggling with their own problems. Hope that helps.
This question isn't just for me. It's for a lot of people I know who deal with this. How does one parent through depression?
Melancholic Mom
Dear Melancholic Mom:
Assuming that your depression isn't so bad that you need to be hospitalized, it's not really an option to abandon your parenting responsibilities. The one solace you can take is that your kids won't realize you're depressed. When you're weeping on the sofa in the middle of the day--and haven't we all been there?--they might think that mommy (or daddy) is "sad," but, unless they're some sort of rare emotionally intuitive savant, the concept of soul-crushing existential angst is beyond them. Set simple goals of getting food on the table, giving baths, putting out some toys and maybe reading them a book. When you're down, any über-parent stuff like playdate-arranging or co-op volunteering or, heaven forbid, crafting, can and should go out the window. Your kids won't remember that stuff anyway. What they will remember, at least vaguely, is feeling loved, protected and nurtured by another human being, even if that human being was struggling with their own problems. Hope that helps.
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Comment by Floor Pie on June 6, 2010 at 10:05am -
Excellent advice. I've also found that letting the kids jump and climb on me actually helps elevate my mood. It's probably the same adrenaline rush I'd get from exercising or whatever, but I don't have to get up. It's win-win!
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Comment by Regina on June 6, 2010 at 11:08am -
Great ips Altdad and FlrPie. Also, I think it's ok to say "Mommy is feeling a little sad right now." Sometimes this leads to questions about why, but it's a good chance to talk about feeling sad and not always knowing why. I've found E to be very responsive to this kind of honesty. Also, it gives them a chance to show you some sympathy - for rambunctious boys that can be a sweet treat for mom (or dad).
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Comment by Kristi on June 6, 2010 at 2:07pm -
My best defense was the gym. My friend whose husband had also been deployed recommended joining a gym with child care. The best part of her advice was when she reminded me that no one actually checks if you work out- go take a sauna, drink a bunch of water, make your lists, read a book, take a REAL shower, shave your legs, condition your hair for the FULL three minutes (oh, the luxury) blow dry your hair until it's all the way dry (crazy!) and then go pick up the kiddos again. Even though it is sometimes a hassle to get out of the house, the reward of a short workout and some personal time can make it all worth while. And now that you're out of the house....why not hit the park?
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Comment by JTX on June 21, 2010 at 8:07pm -
Yes, yes and yes. The biggest problem with being a depressive at the same time you're parenting, is that parenting always comes first. No matter what, the kid still needs to be fed, cleaned, comforted, amused, etc ad nauseum. I have three kids, and I'm sure they've all had times when they didn't understand why mom was sad, or as my youngest would put it "tired a lot."
This is where a support network is crucial. Just at the moment when you feel you have no other option than to go fetal under your bed, you MUST get up and out. Arrange a playdate. Take the monkey(s) for a walk. Put on some peppy music. Have pancakes for dinner. I have found that the best way to shake myself up is to literally shake things up -- make some kind of change in the painful routine that we fall into.
Oh, and I keep my shrink appointments, my prescriptions filled, and a bottle of Southern Comfort in the pantry.
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Comment by JTX on June 21, 2010 at 8:08pm
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P.S. Insert standard fine print here about not using alcohol as a crutch, taking medications responsibly, and seeking assistance from the appropriate authorities when appropriate. I make jokes about this stuff, but I do take mental health seriously way down deep.
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