Welcome, O seeker of enlightenment to Madame Ellie’s Mystical House of Fortune Telling, where I grab a fishtank-sized margarita glass, fill it to the brim, and use the secrets within to answer your questions on the topic of your choice until I’m out of questions, or I pass out drooling on myself, whichever comes first.
Q: I’m new to the internet and I was wondering if it was possible to find love “online”.
Madam Ellie Says: You can find all sorts of interesting things on the internet. There’s a website called Chatroulette you might want to take a peek at. I’m not sure why, but the spirits were laughing when they told me that. Do with it what you will. I only pass on the information.
Q: Do you know the next Powerball numbers?
Madame Ellie Says: If I did, do you think I’d be here writing? I’d be at my castle in Spain on 7000 count sheets while my half-naked butler Pablo waits on me hand and foot. Get real. Lottery numbers, my ass. If the spirits cough up any lottery numbers, they’re mine, dammit.
Q: Are you always so bitchy?
Madame Ellie Says: Suck it. I’m a cranky drunk after I get past the wanting-to-show-my-boobs stage, and this glass is half empty, so we’re way past that.
Back to the questions.
Q: Parenting is hard. Do the spirits have any tips?
A: My children are currently running in circles in my living room screaming “I’M GOING TO TOUCH YOUR BUTT!” “LEAVE ME ALONE!” “MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!” “HE HIT ME!” I’ve asked the spirits the same question several times, and they ain’t talking. Hence the large margarita glass. Maybe if I keep drinking I won’t care about all the screaming.
That’s all for this week. Write in with your own questions, and I’ll do my best to scry for answers. Or don’t. The glass is getting filled all the same, regardless of my liver’s constant protests.
PS: Remember, to message me with questions, you have to friend me. Look, I'm whoring for friends! Whee!