Just Sucky

FF - I'm so sorry to hear this.

Do you have a relationship with Mom? I'm certainly no expert, but I suspect that the more you can show the kids that you are all working together to make her experience as positive as possible the easier it will be to see you as a source of strength and comfort. If Mom knows you are there to help her kids in a way that respects her life and beliefs then she can concentrate on taking care of herself.

Unfortunately, the relationship with the mother is strained. She has done some really hurtful things over the years- and I have distanced myself from interacting with her. I have been working on letting go of that hurt and anger. I agree with you, I think working at mending that relationship and opening up communication with her will be important. 

A few years ago, my cousins passed away (car accident) and their spouses quickly remarried.  The family has really struggled with how the grandkids and nephews basically disappeared from their lives--not only did they lose their sister and daughter, they lost the grandkids, too.  So, from that experience, I would say, if it was me and I had cancer, I don't think I would want dishonesty--you don't have to pretend that you've been best friends.  But a short note or (communication through your partner if that is more appropriate) to say, "I know we haven't always gotten along, but I want you know that whatever happens, I will always work with [partner] to have your sons respect you, yours values (if you are comfortable saying that) and your extended family."

Ah, FF, I'm so sorry -- what a complicated and sad situation to be in. My heart is heavy for all of you. I know you'll do wonderfully helping the kids through it. I also think you're self-aware and self-honest enough to know you're allowed to feel whatever feelings come up for you around this, to let them flow through you as they will, and to let the kids and also your partner own their own experiences too. 

Grief is so huge. It brings up so much that's unexpected and focuses you so tightly on one small thing and its timeline and stages aren't so neat and predictable as they've been made out to be (I heard recently that Elizabeth Kubler-Ross said, "I wish I hadn't called them 'stages.'") and people get impatient with people who grieve for "too long." I guess all I would say is probably everything you're already learning as a therapist-in-training: everyone has their own experience and has the right to own it. You included, even if you haven't been on the best of terms with this person.

(I'll add something you might have in mind already but just in case you don't: It can be very helpful for kids to put pictures with events with feelings into a kind of book form so they have a narrative of the experience from before the diagnosis to after the death. So the first page might be a picture of kid with mom a few years ago and the kid would write, "This is my mom and me playing soccer together in the backyard on my seventh birthday. She made me laugh and I love her so much." A later one, maybe with a bald mom: "This is my mom after she lost all her hair to chemo. I thought she looked kind of cool bald, even though I was sad she had cancer." etc. It can just be something tangible to go to, not just for placing memories but also for processing and managing feelings. And of course I would recommend therapy for everyone.)

Hugs and good wishes as you navigate this.

Oh no! I'm sad for you, the kids - the entire lot. SO sorry hon. Hugs. I have no real advice... but what I will offer is that those kids (and your partner for that matter) are super lucky to have you as their support person! Hugs.

 *Hugs* and sympathy, though, to you and the kids and the partner.  I agree with GG--I've got no advice, but they are all lucky to have you around.

I really appreciate the feedback and support.

We have started creating art with the kids mom when they are at our house. I think, I will suggest creating a book of events and memories for them to keep, too. We got several books to help us to talk with the kids about cancer. They seemed to connect with that and it opened up the lines of communication. We had the ex's mother for dinner the other night- my partner is still close with her. I know, it seems kind of odd to have my partners ex-mother-in-law over for dinner and everyone getting along. The ex-MIL is amazing and really wonderful with his kids and mine. We all seem to need to lean on each other for support and it works. The idea of staying connected with her family (no matter what happens) is a non-issue. 

My initial freak out is passing. I still feel overwhelmed and sad...but, the day to day needs and demands are helping me focus my energies. My partner is struggling...I am not sure I know how best to support him except being open to communication and being present for him. being the primary wage earner and in graduate school is a wonderful escape in some ways...except I chose the death and dying class for one of my electives this semester and am doing a group project on hospice care...that feels a little too close for comfort right now.

Anyway...I feel like I am rambling. Thank you for your support...I will be checking back in periodically...this place has always been a place of wonderful support and encouragement. 

Oh, and BUN- I passed the message you suggested on via my partner. Slightly different wording, but basically the same message. Thank you.

Oh gosh.  I'm so sorry you are going through this. and also so sorry for those children!  I have no words of advice or anything helpful to say, but I am here for you.  call me anytime.  I'll take you out for a beer.