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Ghosts from My Past

I went to a bridal shower this weekend for my husband's cousin. Earl Grey's (my husband, for those of you who don't know) mother is one of seven kids, so there are lots of cousins--this one is the baby of Earl Grey's generation. She's a really sweet girl (22), though I don't know her well at all.

After arriving, the bride's mother went around the room introducing everyone and one woman from the groom's family looked familiar. Once she said her name was Christie, I started wondering if it was possibly the sister of a guy I dated in high school. I convinced myself it wasn't possible. The bride's family lives on the the east side of the mountains that border my city (I live on the west side of them) and I remembered that they guy I dated (we'll call him MethHead) grew up on the east side of the mountain and his mother still lived there when we dated. So, I started to get uncomfortable.

MethHead and I met when I was 15 going on 16 and he was 19 going on 20. <geek alert> I was in marching band and marched snare that year and we had music majors from the University who volunteered and led sectionals. MethHead was the drumline instructor that year. We spent a lot of time together, and I knew he liked me, but I was dating someone. I ultimately broke up with the guy to date MethHead. When we first met, MethHead's only vice was that he smoked. Other than that, he was completely clean cut, adamantly opposed to drugs, and the most polite thing you've ever seen. He loved his family and had two toddler-aged brothers whom he adored. It turned out that he had a sister named Christie who was born the day after me and after our mothers met, we realized that they shared a hospital room when we were born. Small world. MethHead treated me like a princess and he was madly in love with me and I fell hard for him. Of course, my mother did not approve of me dating a guy 4 years my senior, but, she seemed to like him well enough (though not his mother).

One week during the summer, just before band camp (I know, right?), my band director contacted MethHead and told him that he either had to stop dating me or he couldn't be the drumline section instructor the next year. I didn't understand the the problem--I was drum major that year, so we weren't going to be working directly with each other. But MethHead started avoiding me. For a couple of weeks he was really weird and in retrospect, over the entire summer, he'd changed some. He started complaining about his teeth a lot. He'd always had rather small teeth, but now he was in a lot of pain and was constantly complaining about them. I thought it was weird, but didn't think too much about it. One day, he completely stopped talking to me. I gave it about a week before I marched over to his apartment to find out what the hell was going on. Well, as you can imagine, we broke up. No explanation or anything, though. It was weird. He was also the only guy who ever broke up with me.

He stopped working with our band and he dropped out of college and I lost touch with him. I talked to his old roommate a few times (I really liked that guy and he had a crush on me-he should've been the one I dated) and he told me that MethHead had gotten into drugs, though he never said what. I found that so unbelievable because he was so adamantly opposed to drugs and had a cow if I smoked pot (now I know he was just trying to hide his problems).

The summer after my first year in college, some guy who was in the youth symphony with me during high school called me to ask me if I wanted to play in a quartet with him and some of the other music majors at my university. I told him I was interested and he said he'd get back to me about it, but first he had someone who wanted to talk to me. It was MethHead. Apparently they worked together at a pizza place (I vowed to never date another guy who worked at a pizza place after MethHead). The quartet offer was all just a premise for this asshole to talk to me. He must've been high when he called me. It was a bizarre, unwelcome conversation and he told me that he'd had all of his teeth pulled and now had dentures and fake teeth and he was so happy. Really?!?! YUCK! He wanted to take me out and luckily, I managed to avoid his future phone calls after that, but he certainly left me feeling disgusted every time he'd call. Now it is quite obvious to me that he was doing meth, hence the teeth problems. Also, there is a huge meth problem amongst those who live on the east side of the mountain, so it all made sense.

So, back to the bridal shower. I spent most of the shower avoiding Christie and her mother (the groom's sister and mother) and I'm not sure if she ever recognized me. When it was time to open gifts, the groom came and then it hit me how much he looked like MethHead. I had to tell somebody about this, so I told my mother-in-law and she got all excited and made it her mission to find out whether this was the same family. She asked the groom about his other siblings and their names, and sure enough, his oldest brother is MethHead. The groom was a toddler the last time I saw him, so that made made me feel a little old on top of it all. Hopefully this kids has his shit together. He seems to, but you never know. The sister, Christie, got pregnant at 14, so there's a whole lot of dysfunction in that family.

Now I have to contend with actually going to the wedding and seeing this guy. I so don't want to. Of all my ex-boyfriends, he's the only one I'm actually ashamed of. I'm debating not going just because I don't want to deal with the awkwardness. Moreso, I don't want to give that guy any reason whatsoever to contact me--I want nothing to do with him. I suppose it's self-indulgent to think that he would want to, but why even go there?

These were the kinds of things that I worried about when I'd think about moving back here. Inevitably, I do run into these situations.

Any weirdness in your lives?

Tags: ex-boyfriends

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Comment by mightyninjamom on June 27, 2012 at 5:19pm: I think we all have that boyfriend...maybe not soooo bad, but we all do. My ex finished rehab about six months ago, but not before trying to kill himself with a variety of drugs, and then deciding on beer. Lots and lots and LOTS of beer. He's doing better now, but it's still not something I enjoy telling anyone about. Mind you, I've been with AlphaGeek for nearly 15 years, so my ex has been doing this shit for about that long.

At any rate, you aren't his mom. If he couldn't keep his shit together, it wasn't your fault. Not only that, it's not like you were trained to notice the signs of someone being a major drug addict. Go to the wedding and keep your head high. You would only have something to be ashamed about if you were still with him. None of us have perfect judgement!

Comment by guinnessgoddess on June 28, 2012 at 2:00pm: Okay, this is my third time writing a response, and my computer keeps erasing it on me just as I'm coming to the end, so this is the extra-abbreviated version:

What mnm said.

Be glad your "poor judgement" was oh-so-long ago and not just last year (cough, cough... as it was with me... twice).

Hold your head high at the wedding, and deal with the awkwardness. You're the one with the shiny beautiful life and are clearly not defined by some feelings you had way back when.

Comment by kommishoner on June 28, 2012 at 5:09pm: Depending on the closeness of the relative, I might seriously consider not going in that situation. If you're just not going to have fun, and the relative isn't a particularly close one, why subject yourself to it? But I don't know if that's actually your cost/benefit analysis. But if it's an important relative, I wouldn't worry about seeing that dude. As guinessgoddess said, you're the one with the shiny beautiful life. And who knows, maybe he's got one now too.

There's no weirdness in my life right now, thankfully. A freaking lot of work, but no weirdness. Phew. ;)

Comment by RBridwell on September 5, 2012 at 12:01pm: I have some crazy, weirdness of people popping up again in your life. I dated this one guy all through HS (2.5 years)...he was my first love (first everything). It was a wonderful time. Our relationship was the sweet, addicting puppy love kind of thing. And then he broke my heart by sleeping with half the other girls in HS and moved on while I was left behind crushed and alone. It was one of the hardest things I'd ever dealt with at that point.

And then I lashed out. Went kinda slutty for a while, obviously trying to recapture that feeling of love through physical relationships with many different boys. Not surprisingly, I ended up pregnant by an older guy in college. We had been dating for about 3 months, and it was my Senior year of HS. Well, we decided to stick it out, but he had this crazy ex-girlfriend who practically stalked me. I'm talking crazy shit that was almost to the point of involving the police. After the baby was born though and she saw her dude was not changing his mind about her, she dropped out of our lives completely.

Flash forward 15 years later and I am now married to the college guy who knocked me up back in HS. Happily married of ten years with two more kids and a great life. But, those two previous people have found their way back into our lives and it's....odd.

My younger brother dated and eventually married a girl from another town. A girl who's older sister just so happens to be my husband's stalker ex.   And the crazy sister didn't even come to her sister and my brother's wedding, because she didn't want to see her high school sweetheart with his wife and family. We had been married like 7 years at this point. I rarely see her at family functions, but I don't know what is worse. If she actually showed up or the fact that she still can't 'be around us’ after all this time. I have a semi-close relationship with her entire family - her sister, mother, grandmother, etc. All have embraced my husband and I like family. So, I feel guilty sometimes that I somehow ended up with her "love" and now her family.

And then, there is my HS boyfriend. My husband was involved in different organizations within the community and was taken under the wing of an older gentlemen. They became fast friends, going on hunting trips together with my sons, we've done Holidays with them etc.   He was something of a mentor to my husband and like a 2nd father. Well, this gentlemen is the father of my HS boyfriend. My husband and the ex-boyfriend have spent little time together, as they are truly opposites and don’t have much in common. But the ex-boyfriend has developed a relationship with my son at times, and has come to watch him play sports in the past. It's awkward and difficult for me to process. Since we've move towns, there hasn't been much contact with that family, but we've been invited to their lake house several times.   The ex never speaks with me or acknowledges our past. We have 79 mutual friends on facebook but neither of us have befriended the other one. It’s more of a “hi, we just met for the first time” every single time I’m around him. I suspect the situation bothers him as well, and probably for different reasons.

I keep waiting to see why these two people have never been removed completely out of my life. Their presence isn’t enough to be significant – just awkward. But surely it’s not just the universe jacking with me….there has got to be SOMETHING that keeps them in my web. It’s not like the town I’m from is THAT Small.   These are some serious coincidences. Strange stuff.

Ghosts from My Past

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