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first world problem: private school

My husband had lunch with his mother the other day and when he came home, I could tell he wanted to talk to me about something. It turns out that his mom wants to pay for all four of her grandkids to go to the Catholic private high school that she, her siblings (all 6 of them), her husband, Earl Grey, and his sister attended. Now, Girl Grey is the oldest of the grandkids at nine years old (4th grade), so it's still a while before she's in high school, and then there is a five year gap between her and Baby Grey, followed by a 2 school-year gap until their twin cousins. However, MIL needs to start seriously planning if we are to go along with this.

Now, if I could afford to send GG to private school, it would not be to the Pope HS (not really it's name). We have one outstanding private school that rivals the top private schools in the DC area and while not quite as expensive, still very expensive. For example, Georgetown Prep in the DC area is $30K this next year and our premier private school is just over $20K/year. Our next best private school is about $2K less. Pope HS costs $12K this year (less than I paid for day care in MD!!) Cost does not necessarily imply quality, and I'm well-aware of that. That is not what this is about. Among private schools where I live, I'd say that academically, Pope is probably the 3rd or 4th best and is perhaps the best parochial school in the city.

Now, it may be that we could possibly swing tuition for private school for GG, but over the last year, I pretty much decided that it's probably not worth it. That was further solidified when I learned that the public HS I attended is becoming an International Baccalaureate school next school year. That school was already pretty good and this will be an awesome program that I think will complement GG tremendously. It is probably a lottery to get in since it is out of district (unless that have actual admission criteria, but since it's a public school, I don't think they can do that). However, my parents still live in district, so we could probably use their address for her to go.

That leaves middle school to contend with. I'm not excited about GG going to any public middle school--I think they are a wasteland, but at least we live in district for what is probably the best public MS in the district.

When we first moved back here, Earl Grey told me he wouldn't mind GG going to Pope HS, but I said no way. He had a good experience there and he's super smart and ended up being extremely successful, so obviously the school didn't hold him back any. While I don't think that school is any worse than the public highs schools, I certainly never thought it was better (well, I'm sure it's better than some, but it's not better than where I went). I was never impressed by the students coming out of there, was never impressed by their athletics (except soccer) or fine arts programs. In the public schools, the fine arts programs are much bigger and the kids have more opportunities for performing, and obviously have bigger sports programs. The IB school has always had a very strong music program outstanding choirs, and an involved theatre group, which at least at this point is what GG is interested in. My last two years in HS, my main group of friends consisted of a bunch of honors kids (*pushes up glasses*) who excelled at school and extra-curriculars and we've all gone on to be rather successful. My husband was in the chess club and I'm sure he was friends with the same types and I'm sure they've all gone on to be successful.

EG argues two things: (1) While Pope HS may not be better than IB school, it afforded the sense of community that private schools offer and that are harder to exist in a public school (i.e., network). (2) The mere fact that it is a private school and isn't cheap, as well as the fact that private schools can kick out troublesome kids, means that the student population is more selective.

Now, no one wants her kids in a class full of disruptive kids who don't give a shit but at the same time, the "eliteness" of private schools kind of bothers me. I get the benefits of the sense of community. I have to say, I also have a BIG issue with the idea of supporting the Catholic church. I suppose the religion that I most identify with, culturally, is Catholicism, but I am certainly not a Catholic (I'm an atheist). I have major issues with the church and their stances on things and I do not like the idea of supporting them financially nor do I like the idea of having my daughter required to attend mass and religion classes. I know she'll actually get to study some interesting world religions, but I don't know what the bias, if any, there is in such classes and I don't want her mind being poisoned. Maybe it won't be an issue for her because she is my child and I am raising her with a strong sense of self including making decisions based on her own logic. My husband might be atheist or agnostic (not quite sure exactly where he stands) despite his attendance at Catholic schools. He's also a scientist and clearly a free-thinker.

While the things I've mentioned about private school bother me, if money were not an object, I'd want GG to go to our premier one. It's a beautiful campus and the kids have amazing opportunities. I am not excited about her going to Pope and I think that money could be better spent, like for college. It's not my money, but we'd inevitably have to pay for all of the extras: fees, books, etc., etc. I don't feel like I could ask MIL to set aside that money for college or the other private school, though it would certainly be appreciated (and maybe she'd do it without us asking).

What would you do? Would you let your MIL pay for private school? What would be your concerns or your exaltations about it?

Tags: private, school

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Comment by guinnessgoddess on August 9, 2012 at 3:11pm: I would let nearly any willing party pay for my children's private school, but only because I am significantly dismayed at what I see coming from the public school system where I live, and particularly in the language in which I'd like to see my children instructed (English), and am therefore determined not to see them go to public school at that level of their education. I spend a significant amount of time contemplating how on earth I'm going to afford private school when the time comes. Here, though, university is much more affordable than where you are, and more affordable than private schools in general, so it's a totally different situation. It's also different in that you have a public high school with which you are truly impressed, that sounds like a really viable and dynamic option for GG. Maybe you could talk with EG about the possibility of talking to his mother about putting that money toward university instead? That is ultimately what I'd do, if I were you. You raise good points about it being her money, and it being extremely difficult to ask such a thing, but maybe if the two of you together could present her with a set of reasons (you have listed many good ones here) for why the high school you'd like is good, and why funding university would ultimately help more, it could work? Maybe, though, she is bent on continuing family tradition, which seems apparent from the legacy of family members going to that particular school. I don't know. Sorry if this isn't really helpful. I appreciate your dilemma, for sure.

Comment by mcglory13 on August 9, 2012 at 5:00pm: If Pope High (mascot: fighting bishops?) were significantly better than the public option, sure, I'd let her pay for it. I can't say anything about private school snobbery because my child is in one. Granted, it's far more ethnically and religiously diverse than the local public schools and I don't need to worry about his teachers trying to convert him to their religion.

BUT! It is not the academically premiere institution, which implies to me that what matters to your Mother-in-law is the very kind of religious exposure and conversion attempts that we are trying to avoid with our private school and that you, as an atheist, don't seem so comfy with. Are you obligated to let your mother in law attempt to buy your kids into her religion? Nope.

This isn't so much a gift as it is the pancake breakfasts the neighbors keep inviting us to. They don't want to give us pancakes, they want to convert us to their religion. The pancakes have strings.

If it were me, I'd say thanks so much for the lovely thought, but that for your family and your area, public schools are the best option. I wouldn't ask for the money for anything else. In my interpretation, the offer is not about education, so arguments about college are unlikely to be welcome. Maybe she will someday offer to help pay for your kids' college, which will be fantastic. But I generally think these kinds of gifts should be freely offered and not solicited.

Comment by Boring User Name on August 9, 2012 at 6:48pm: I think I kept picturing one of our parents doing this while reading this and my hair was on end, because it seemed coercive to me. I was turning down the money from the first sentence because I was worked up! Admittedly, I read coercion into a lot of things (I have authority issues) and am very, very sensitive about attempts to convert my child. So, my reading of things might not be the most objective.

I've known a lot of people who have had very positive Catholic school upbringings and fantastic friendship from them. Most of them are men.

As a result, I agree with McG that you can't ask for anything else. This is an offer for a particular thing and I don't think you can repurpose it.

As for private versus public, we are committed to public, even though public is going "big business-corporate" here. Many public high schools are selective enrollment and require rock start standardized test scores. If you are concerned about your neighborhood high school and want it to be an option, you can try to get involved now. (That's certainly the strategy that many people are trying here.) [My fingers are in my ears about the "using your parents address" part. They bust people around here for that.]

Given your prior blog topic, are you and Earl Grey leaning different directions? Is this going to cause additional stress?

Sorry my thoughts were so rambling.

Comment by ks on August 9, 2012 at 6:56pm: I wouldn't do it. Not at all. But then, I'm one of those people who feels very strongly that my kids *will* go to public school. Even if a private school were more academically rigorous or had a better community or whatever else, barring serious safety issues, my kids will go to public school. Period and end of discussion. I really don't like the idea of private school in general and I *especially* don't like the idea of religious private schools.

I wouldn't worry too much about the mother in law and as far as the money, I don't see a problem with asking her to use it for college expenses or on the other, better private school, if she's determined to spend it anyway. If she specifically only wants to spend it on that particular school, then that is her business, but there's no harm in asking. The only thing I'd be concerned about if you are determined that you'd prefer your kids to go to the public school (or at least, not to *that* private school) is whether or not EG will have your back on that decision.

Comment by Mamawho on August 9, 2012 at 8:48pm: I would worry about whether you guys would be pressured to be church members. Many Catholic schools have greatly reduced tuition for Catholics. If Grandma is picking up the tab for several grandkids, she may want to keep costs down.

I went to a posh, selective private school and most everyone I went to school with is working for their parents or teaching at the school and still living in the golf club neighborhoods we grew up in. I bailed after 9th grade - I'd been there since pre-school- and I'm one of the few to have left the state. Most of my classmates have married people from the school. I'm FB friends with two others who escaped and we gossip occasionally about how bizarre it is.

Comment by Lady Grey on August 9, 2012 at 10:41pm: I really don't think MIL is trying to convert us, or the kids. I think she does want to continue the tradition of her family attending there and I guess I can appreciate that. The tuition break for parishioners is only $2K, which isn't nothing, but it's not like it's half the cost. My MIL is a very reasonable Catholic and she's a good person. She's saved a lot of money over the years and is now retired and this is what she wants to do with the money.

Aside from that, EG already feels like his sister has not had to pay for expenses like we have. Granted she lived her her whole life and had her kids here while we chose to move away and start our family elsewhere. Still, it gets under EG's skin that we forked out tens of thousands of dollars in childcare while his mother is baby-sitting his two-year old niece and nephew 3x/week for free while his sister and her husband work (the rest of the time the other MIL is watching them). I asked him if he'd feel resentful if his sister's kids continue to get a free ride through HS while we pay our own way and he said he would feel a little resentful of his sister. So, I suppose there could be issues. Maybe he'd actually be mad at me. I don't know. We've worked past our other stuff (that you mentioned, BUN), for the most part anyway, but I suppose this could be another monkey wrench.

Who knows. GG was in a private Montessori preschool and she did kindergarten there (as a pre-K kid) and so I have a feel for the differences between public and private schools. I was also glad to get away from all that competitive parents crap (which still exists in public schools, but not nearly to the same degree). I also have a coworker who sends her kids to the good private schools and though she thinks she's not one of those obnoxious, competitive parents, she is. Totally. I don't like being around that, urged to compete.

I agree that I can't ask her to spend the money a different way. I suppose EG could ask her, but I'm going to let them have that discussion. We borrowed money from MIL to move here and for a down payment for our house. It's almost paid off and I'd rather not get involved financially with family again. Nothing has gone wrong-in fact, it's been quite smooth, but I do not want any family member gifting us with money and then having certain expectations of us, or us feeling obligated to her for any reason.

I guess we'll see. It's still a ways in the future. Thanks for the input.

Comment by DLBK on August 10, 2012 at 11:17am: I wouldn't want to send my children to a religious school, but if we could afford it I would definitely try a private school--as long as it were better than the local public schools.

I think EG can ask your MIL to save the money for your kids' college. She's his mother and he can ask; all she can do is say no.

Comment by Boring User Name on August 10, 2012 at 5:47pm: I hope I didn't imply that you had make a decision one way or the other just to keep peace with EG--it just struck me as another factor to work through.

We are very sensitive to our in-laws weighing in on stuff--because even though we are pushing 40, we are still fighting battles for independence in many ways. We would probably say no if we had an unsolicited offer for piano lessons. Good luck to you as you sort through it all!

Comment by bap2 on August 10, 2012 at 7:14pm: As an (ex) Catholic, who spent a great deal of time around the schools, thou never as a matriculated student for behavioral reasons, I have one question. Is it Jesuit? If so....I'd consider it. If not, GTFO. :)

I felt the same as many about private schooling, then I began to work in one. I love my "family" here to the ends of the Earth, and I'm already fretting my sons won't pass the rigorous entrance requirements so that they too can feel this love and benefit from the learning environment.

We have a local Catholic school and it's not "Jezzie." we send some kids there and they go from curious and loving learning to bullshit rote popped collar assholes. They also start acknowledging creationism and other scary shit.

Comment by mcglory13 on August 10, 2012 at 7:32pm: LG, sorry if we read the motives wrong. I don't really get school spirit, like, at all, so the notion that there's something intrinsically valuable in attending a school just because other family members did would honestly never occur to me. I dunno. It's like religion, I just can't believe in it for some reason.

Anyway, luckily you all have some time, so I'm sure you guys will figure out the best solution for everybody involved. And it's lovely that she wants to do nice things for the kids.

first world problem: private school

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