Fast Five on a Friday

I originally didn’t intend to see Fast Five. The fourth one was pretty awful and ruined my appetite for the franchise. But curiously Fast Five started to get decent reviews. And since WonderWife™ had planned on going to sleep very early, having gotten up in the middle of the previous night to put on a tiara and weep over the Royal Wedding, I had no plans for my Friday night. This is how I found myself in a packed theater watching Fast Five. And I have to admit that I kind of enjoyed myself.

Here’s what I was told before seeing the movie, turn off your brain. Not only did friends of mine invoke this mantra when we discussed the past movies of the series, but just about every review said the same thing.  After watching Fast Five, I wholeheartedly share this advice.  This movie does have its fun parts, but it's completely bonkers.

So here’s what you need to know if you decide to go see Fast Five:

The action scenes are cool, probably the best in the series.

The wardrobe must have been washed in water that was too hot. Everybody’s shirts seem about two sizes too small.

The rules of physics don’t apply. The movie asks the audience to believe in some completely insane things. When you’re watching these scenes, you have a choice—either go with them or fight them. Choose wisely. Your decision will impact how you feel about the movie. (By the way, the Mythbusters would have a field day testing what they do in the climax of this movie.)

It’s now Ocean’s 11 with cars. After 4 movies, I guess they’ve exhausted every way to utilize street racing so they’ve decided to turn this one into a heist movie—a warmed over version of every other heist movie you’ve seen, but a heist movie nonetheless.

It doesn’t care about clichés. They are going to pull of one last job and then they’re out.

Everybody now knows everything. Characters who were previously only known for driving suddenly have the ability to hack computers, crack safes and plan majorly complicated heists in a matter of minutes.

Stuff always gets done. And speaking of Ocean’s 11…remember how Clooney and company could easily get anything they wanted, regardless of how insanely impossible it seemed? And how we never got to see how they pulled it off, things just happened? Well, the criminals in Fast Five do that too. A lot.

Vin hearts Dwayne. There’s a moment in the movie where at one point I swore that Vin Diesel and the Rock where going to start making out.

The bad guy will remind you of a Brazilian Phil Hartman.

There will be a Fast Six. Based on what Fast Five tells us, my guess is it’s going to start feeling like some adrenaline fueled soap opera.

So despite my every impulse to the contrary, I had a good time watching Fast Five.  I checked my brain at the door, I internally heckled the really stupid parts and I let the first Summer movie wash over me without a care.  After I felt kind of weird about it, like the feeling one would get after really enjoying a burger from McDonalds.  It's not a good movie.  It's a guilty pleasure movie.  If you’ve been a fan of any of the past Fast and Furiouses, chances are you’ll like this one. But if you’re the kind of person who needs logic in their stories, you’re gunning down the wrong highway.