Offsprung

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Most of you know that I've lost a few pregnancies, some that I've posted about here and some that I haven't.  I should be over it by now, and I know it.  Instead, I still find myself freaking out for no reason.  I'll be reading through a craft book, see something with a child's drawing on it, and have a panic attack.  I mean, trouble breathing, shaking, the works.  My mind keeps running in circles and telling me that I'll never have a child--everyone else has children, why can't I, when I'd be a better mother than half of them and provide so much love?--it's not fair--I'll never be able to do these things--and on and on.  It doesn't matter that I'm holding my squirming kid on my lap at the time.  I can't look at the magazines in the check-out aisle at the grocery store because they're covered in pictures of baby-toting or pregnant celebrities.  If a show about twins, in particular, comes on the radio, I have to turn it off.

Ignoring the whole "when does life begin?" question, I know that I didn't really lose a "child," not like so many other people have.  My  heart weeps for those people.  I never held my would-be babies.  They didn't have personalities.  Most didn't live beyond a few weeks.  I have a beautiful, vibrant little boy who's as alive as it's possible to be.  We've been struggling to have another, but the wait isn't as bad as it was the first time because of our existing kid.  Still....

How am I supposed to get over this and move on?  Therapy isn't an option.  It wasn't when all of this started because I was working at a government facility and had a clearance that mandated that I report any sort of mental health issues, including talking with a counselor, and that I be investigated to make sure I wasn't a risk to the program.  I know I would've been cleared due to the nature of the "issues," but I didn't want to risk giving my already-flaky employer a reason to get rid of me (which they did in 2010 anyway during a plant-wide layoff).  It's not in the budget now that I'm not working and have less inclusive insurance, and I know my husband wouldn't be happy about it anyway.  He's the pragmatic type and doesn't really get it.

I just wish I could be normal again, or at least as normal as I ever was.  I know some of you have been through similar situations.  How did you let go?  It's not like I'm walking around thinking about this all the time.  I just feel like a ticking time bomb, going through life as normal and then BAM! wanting to curl up in a ball somewhere and lament that fact that I'll never be a mother.

Views: 123

Comment by Kiwi on January 27, 2012 at 9:02pm

I really really really think that talking to a professional would help. It really sounds like you're experiencing posttraumatic stress disorder. 

Even if your insurance doesn't cover it there are sliding scale and in some cases even free help out there.  You might want to start by contacting NAMI (nami.org) and seeing what sorts of resourses in your area they can connect you with. 

Comment by wookie on January 28, 2012 at 5:20am

The panic attackesque thing rings my PTSD bells too.  Although we're always here to listen, I agree with Kiwi that you will probably get a lot out of talking to a good professional.

However... when I was dealing with flare ups of some past abuse issues, I always felt a little better, a little more in control, when I had the bach flower remedies.  I definately used the Rescue Remedy and I know I picked up another one at one point that started with a C... crab apple or something.

Comment by mcglory13 on January 28, 2012 at 5:56pm

I agree with what they said. I was diagnosed with PTSD after Smudge's traumatic birth and our time in the NICU. It really did help to talk to someone. I did a group thing for "healing your traumatic birth" and talked to that therapist one on one as well. That, and time, helped a lot. Really. I know you say budget things are hard, but maybe you can find a group session like I did? That made it a lot cheaper. 

And also, you don't need to diminish the loss you feel. Loss is loss, it doesn't come in sizes. You have a right to be sad about that stuff, you know? 

Comment by hermit crab on January 29, 2012 at 5:34am

Maybe it would help to show your husband this post? I know you're a writer, so maybe you're expressing yourself more clearly in writing. I can't imagine really understanding that my wife was having a serious, persistent problem and then not encouraging her to do whatever she needed to do to find relief. You're responding to real grief and traumatic loss. A lot of people need professional help to move on from that, because it's easy to get stuck in a cycle with it. Here's a mechanical analogy for your engineer: you are spinning your wheels in the snow, and the harder you work the more hopeless you feel and the less traction you are actually getting. You need a tow. Not to be dragged forever; just a tow.

Comment by ks on January 29, 2012 at 1:51pm

*hugs* hon.  I don't have anything constructive to add that everybody else hasn't already said and better.  But I hope that you can give yourself some slack on this--some things just take a while to get over and you've been through a lot.

Comment by DLBK on January 30, 2012 at 8:33am

I sort of know where you're coming from. While I didn't have panic attacks, I would end up crying for half of my 45 min commute home a few times a month after my early miscarriage in 2010. I had gotten pregnant easily with my son and the fetus I miscarried, so I assumed I'd be pregnant again soon and that would make me feel better. It ended up taking a year and a half and every possible test and fertility treatment for me to get pregnant again.
During this time I definitely alternated between feeling OKish and feeling like I'd come unhinged if I had to go through one more procedure only to fail at getting pregnant yet again.
The entire time I kept telling myself that I'd be fine, that my miscarriage was early (10 weeks), that I already have a great child, and that other women have it worse. You seem to be telling yourself the same now. While it's true that other people might have it worse, making yourself feel as if you shouldn't be too sad seems unfair. Of course those other people are hurting too, but that doesn't mean you don't have a right to mourn.
Your husband's reaction isn't that unusual for a guy. I'm older than you and most of my friends have gone through miscarriages or fertility treatments or both. We have good husbands, but it still seemed like they couldn't quite grasp the depth of our emotions; I suppose it makes sense, given that they weren't pregnant physically. My own husband was supportive and loving despite not really wanting me to go through all the tests and treatments.
Can you find a group of women in your area who have gone through similar problems? Hearing that I wasn't the only one helped a bunch. Other than that, time passing helped, and of course getting pregnant. I don't know what my mental state would be now if we were still trying to get pregnant and failing. I'd like to believe that I'd get over it and be happy with my one child, but I'm not so sure.
Sorry this was so long. You can email me anytime if you want to talk about it more.
Many hugs.

Comment by rommie on February 2, 2012 at 10:49am

Thanks, everyone.  I'm being completely serious when I say I can't go see a therapist/psychiatrist/whatever, though.  Even beyond the cost issues, I don't trust anyone to not report back to my father-in-law, who would just throw a fit exactly like he did when the maternity ward nurse called and let him know we were losing the twins.  HIPAA means exactly nothing except another piece of paper to fill out.  I can't rid my mind of the cruelty and blatant hatred he dumped on us after that particular loss (the only one he knows about).

 

My husband, probably due to being raised by a father like the one he has, is only semi-supportive.  He mostly just gets irritated with me, though he hides it as well as he can.  He's never had to deal with any of the mental issues that seem to love ganging up on me, and he doesn't understand what it's like.  Maybe I'm just broken.  I don't know.  Regardless, he would just assume I was overreacting or something if I said I needed to talk to someone professionally.  Frak, he thought I was overreacting when I didn't feel up to cooking dinner or dealing with our toddler while in the middle of my last miscarriage.

Comment by caya on February 18, 2013 at 2:15pm

Hi,

I had 3 miscarriages before we were able to carry my son to term. They are so difficult. Talking did help me. Writing in my journal also helped. Acupuncture was amazing as well. Just know that you're not alone.

Comment by Kat on February 18, 2013 at 4:28pm

I have had 11 pregnancies and had 2 live births. I had 3 miscarriages before the birth of my eldest. I get it. I was in real despair after the first 3 miscarriages, not knowing if I could ever have children and knowing I wanted them. My then-husband was truly unaffected by them. I don't know whether he didn't care if we had kids, or didn't understand the loss I was feeling, or what, but it was hard being around him and him being okay and not understnading I wasn't. I was 4 months into my pregnancy with my son when I realized I was actually had a shot at going full-term and finally sort of allowed myself to acknowledge it. Anyhow, I get that it is a loss and how much of a loss it is, how profound it is. Somehow, and I don't really know how, but I got over it. I sort of healed. Things still hurt sometimes. I have an ultrasound picture of a twin pregnancy I cannot throw out. I don't know why. I know where it is in my closet and I won't look in that basket. It sucks. Anyhow, it sounds like you are not only dealing with grieving  a loss, but some serious family issues -- mentally abusive FIL, controlling husband? That's an issue in and of itself and should be handled that way. Call Samaratin House or a local women's shelter for counseling on that. If they are preventing you from seeking the help you need, that needs to be dealt with.

  

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