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A Sizable Problem
Hi all. Sorry I haven't been around in a while. It was a long hot summer. I can't believe it's almost Halloween, my favorite holiday of the year.
Speaking of scary, a while back my 5-year-old, who was then 4 or maybe 3, points to a guy out in public somewhere and says pretty loudly, "FAT!"
I know, what parent hasn't had this experience or one like it, right? I wanted to shrivel up and disappear under my hat like the Wicked Witch of the West. (See how I'm continuing the Halloween theme?)
Anyway my very socially cool way of handling this was to clap an open hand over the kid's mouth and say, "SSSSHHHH!" in a stage whisper well within earshot of the guy and then hustle the kid away to give him an obvious-looking lecture while shooting apologetic looks at the fat guy. Who was completely ignoring me. So ... yeah. Cool under pressure.
What still bugs me about this, well over a year later now, is not just my stupid deer-in-headlights reaction but, way more than that, the whole subtext that it's shameful to be fat. If he'd pointed at a girl and said, "Pretty!" or a guy with tattoos and said, "Tattoos!", I would have probably just agreed. Hell, he's even pointed out people in wheel chairs and I just said, "Yeah, some people need to use a chair with wheels to get around." "Why?" "Because their legs don't work to walk." "Oh." When he was real little he even bonded with a couple ladies in wheelchairs with, "We both ride in chairs!" They were mostly just charmed. No harm no foul and all that.
But for some reason I didn't want the fat guy to feel bad for the fact that a preschooler noticed he was fat. However: A) I'm fairly sure the guy already knew he was fat. B) Maybe he didn't feel bad in general about being fat, much less about my kid pointing it out. So, C) Was my totally awkward reaction the only insult the guy got from us, since my kid was just being honest and saying what he saw, whereas I was showing my unfortunate but culturally ingrained bias against fat people?
Also, if my kid ends up fat or chubby for whatever reason, I don't want him to be ashamed of his body. So obviously my response wasn't great on that score either because basically what I told him is that he probably made the guy feel bad and we don't point out things about each other's bodies to them, especially things like being fat. So right there, again, you have the message that fat = shame.
I wish I could find the guy again and ask him what that episode was like for him. I wonder if my kid's the only one who's ever done that to him, and if not, what he thinks or feels when it happens. Mostly though I wonder what the supposed other parents did when it happened. Because I'm positive it was classier than my reaction.
What do you do in situations like this? Do you apologize or say something to the person? How do you talk to your kids about body size without shame or fear?
Speaking of scary, a while back my 5-year-old, who was then 4 or maybe 3, points to a guy out in public somewhere and says pretty loudly, "FAT!"
I know, what parent hasn't had this experience or one like it, right? I wanted to shrivel up and disappear under my hat like the Wicked Witch of the West. (See how I'm continuing the Halloween theme?)
Anyway my very socially cool way of handling this was to clap an open hand over the kid's mouth and say, "SSSSHHHH!" in a stage whisper well within earshot of the guy and then hustle the kid away to give him an obvious-looking lecture while shooting apologetic looks at the fat guy. Who was completely ignoring me. So ... yeah. Cool under pressure.
What still bugs me about this, well over a year later now, is not just my stupid deer-in-headlights reaction but, way more than that, the whole subtext that it's shameful to be fat. If he'd pointed at a girl and said, "Pretty!" or a guy with tattoos and said, "Tattoos!", I would have probably just agreed. Hell, he's even pointed out people in wheel chairs and I just said, "Yeah, some people need to use a chair with wheels to get around." "Why?" "Because their legs don't work to walk." "Oh." When he was real little he even bonded with a couple ladies in wheelchairs with, "We both ride in chairs!" They were mostly just charmed. No harm no foul and all that.
But for some reason I didn't want the fat guy to feel bad for the fact that a preschooler noticed he was fat. However: A) I'm fairly sure the guy already knew he was fat. B) Maybe he didn't feel bad in general about being fat, much less about my kid pointing it out. So, C) Was my totally awkward reaction the only insult the guy got from us, since my kid was just being honest and saying what he saw, whereas I was showing my unfortunate but culturally ingrained bias against fat people?
Also, if my kid ends up fat or chubby for whatever reason, I don't want him to be ashamed of his body. So obviously my response wasn't great on that score either because basically what I told him is that he probably made the guy feel bad and we don't point out things about each other's bodies to them, especially things like being fat. So right there, again, you have the message that fat = shame.
I wish I could find the guy again and ask him what that episode was like for him. I wonder if my kid's the only one who's ever done that to him, and if not, what he thinks or feels when it happens. Mostly though I wonder what the supposed other parents did when it happened. Because I'm positive it was classier than my reaction.
What do you do in situations like this? Do you apologize or say something to the person? How do you talk to your kids about body size without shame or fear?
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Comment by wookie on October 14, 2010 at 5:19am -
I think the only lecture that I would have felt okay about giving my kid at that age is a brief "People come in all shapes and sizes, kiddo."
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Comment by Kiwi on October 14, 2010 at 8:10am -
I agree with Wookie. I don't think any more explanation is necessary.
To a small child fat does not yet indicate that a person is lazy or ugly or dumb or any of a dozen other adjectives that people throw around about fat people as if it were perfectly logical to equate a physical characteristic with a personality trait.
I'm fat and I have in the past had small kids say to their parent "that lady is fat". If their parent gets all flustered and apologetic I tell them don't be sorry it's no big deal. I also do my best to make the kid know they didn't do me any harm with their words. This summer I was at the beach with a friend and her kids. Her oldest said "you have big knees" and I said "it is a good thing I do because if I had small knees they'd a poor match for my big leg and I wouldn't be able to walk around very well". He looked thoughtful for a minute and said "No, you wouldn't". The friend look mortified but I shushed her mid apology because he wasn't being mean spirited at all he was just voicing his observation.
I actually hate it when people are all "you're not that fat" (I totally am) or "you carry it well" (what does that even mean?) because what they're really saying is that I’m not one of those fat people, I’m not ugly or lazy or smelly or a bad couch surfing two whole cake eater.
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Comment by mcglory13 on October 14, 2010 at 12:56pm -
We talk about "social niceities" in general. That people do not like it if you point, stare, or comment on how they look. This works for compliments or critiques-- it's creepy when someone stares at you whether they find you "attractive" or "objectionable" in some way.
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Comment by kanachick on October 14, 2010 at 5:32pm -
I had a terrible moment just like that. My son was three and a very large lady was coming towards us and she was smiling at him (cute little kid...) and then he said "that lady is fat". I saw the smile fall right off of her face. It was awful and I still feel so bad about it - there's nothing much that can be done but I wish I could go back and make it better. I just told him that we don't make comments about people's appearances or something lame like that.
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Comment by Mamawho on October 15, 2010 at 7:41am
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I stuck with "please don't point at people" and "let's not talk about people's bodies." I tried to avoid "nice" - I just don't like the way "it's not nice to point" sounds - I had "being ladylike" drilled into my head, and I think my reaction is related to that.
Trying to keep value judgments out of physical descriptions did cause some hilarity. In preschool when she was 4 , the kids had an activity in which they drew a few people they were close to and then "introduced" them to the class. (Lots of kids had deployed parents at the time, so they worked often on talking about absent loved ones, etc.) GirlWho drew me, DaddyWho, and DaddyWho's mom. It went like this "This is my daddy - he's tall. This is my mommy. She's pretty and has big boobies. This is my grandma. She has a big, big bottom. The biggest I've ever seen. " At least one of the teachers had to leave the room to crack up laughing. Poor GW was just being matter-of-fact.
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Comment by DLBK on October 15, 2010 at 11:36am -
My kid hasn't done it yet, but I've seen him very interested in people who look different from us (we're white and of average size). I know a comment is coming soon and I don't know how I'll react. I feel like no matter what I might say it could insult someone. Some people don't want their size/race/whatever discussed in front of them, even if it's to explain to a kid that people come in different sizes and colors and it's all good. I don't know how I'd feel if a kid pointed out my big boobs and started talking about them...
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Comment by ks on October 15, 2010 at 1:00pm -
A likes to tell me that I have a soft belly and a big bottom. He's also pointed out other people who have the same characteristic--"look, Mommy, that lady has a soft belly like you." I just respond matter of factly and try to re-direct to something else. Most of the time when it's happened, people smile at him or laugh. As far as I know, nobody's been offended by this.
They both went through a phase where they pointed out differences in skin color of various people they saw, though. But I think that comes from them being close to the same color, but very different from both Mr. S and from me--I'm super-white, they're both a nice dark beige, and Mr. S is very dark brown. Again, though, I was just very matter of fact about it whenever they brought the subject up.
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Comment by Silver Foot on October 15, 2010 at 4:22pm -
God I love kids. Everything is so matter of fact to them. No judgment, just it is what it is. Wish we could stay that way. Pony Boy. :P
All your suggestions are great. That matter of fact, "all shapes and sizes" angle, I really like. Guess it's my own hangups getting in the way here.
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