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Women's Language

Are there expressions, phrases, utterances, or speaking patterns in American English that are still used primarily by women?

In some cultures, "Women's language" was sufficiently different that males listening casually can not understand it. Today, we have that less although some languages such as Japanese have grammatical endings that only women use. I would imagine that remnants of this might exist in our culture even though women rarely create their own full fledged dialects any more.

We have a number of scholars of language and society amongst our ranks, so I chose to ask this here, rather than on FB. I think on FB my intentions might be miss-understood.

Tags: language, society

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Permalink Reply by LeastLikely2Breed on March 29, 2011 at 2:14pm

I agree with everything McGlory said esp. the 'could you' vs. 'would you' request/command.

I'm not an expert BTW - but from observation: I'd also like to add the sheer volume of words expressed. When women write/speak (perhaps because of the the need to be passive and hedge around the topic?) it can result in quite a lot more words over all.

So for patterns I'd say: longer and detailed for women - shorter for men.

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Permalink Reply by YoYoWannaBe on March 30, 2011 at 5:25pm

Joe Mama said:

Like McG, I think there are patterns of speech that I think are "feminine". I've noticed women tend to paraphrase the the perspective of the person they are talking/arguing with before giving their perspective. They also tend to acknowledge some aspect of the other person's argument (no matter how small). It is vaguely rude to just disagree or contradict someone, no matter how ridiculous the other's position. I think that can be interpretted as weak or wishy-washy by more direct-speaking (usually male) listeners.

Have you read Deborah Tannen's work (Genderlect, rapport vs report)? She has done a lot of research in this area.

I have read a bunch of Tannen's stuff, and I find it very perceptive. However, everything she discusses can also be profitably used by men as well. Men can flex towards the feminine style and recognize that we limit ourselves when we doggedly stick to a transactional model. Women can flex towards the masculine style to avoid being hurt by what they perceive as brusqueness. Tannen largely focuses on gender as a culture and states that all communication across gender lines is cross-cultural communication.

She frequently makes an analogy with cross cultural expressions to foreign culuture. When travelling to France, we don't insist that the French speak English nor do we expect them to use the same strategies for getting their needs met. However, the analogy breaks down a little here; we're not prohibited from learning French ourselves, nor are there parts of the French language that only French nationals are allowed to say.

However, in some languages, notably Japanese, there are expressions that only women say. This goes beyond cultural style, a la Tannen, because it is directly encoded in the grammar of the language. I was tempted to be haughty and say that we would never do that here, but then I thought "what if we do?" Hence this thread.

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Permalink Reply by ruth on April 4, 2011 at 8:53pm

From what little I remember from linguistics classes, without looking up my notes, the things mcglory notes are pretty well documented in linguistics research. Women definitely do use a questioning intonation more, and pre-apologize for their statements of opinion. They qualify things more. It all kind of sucks.

mcglory13 said:

It's a good question. I think you will find patterns of speech that are considered feminine. For example that annoying habit teen girls have of making everything sound like a question? That's something they're socialized to do. It's considered less threatening and less assertive. Women are also socialized to apologize for their opinions before they state them: "I could be totally wrong, but maybe we could try to do this?" They are also socialized to use agreeable words more often.

Up until dictionaries became widely available there were more variations in spelling and punctuation. The dash, for example, was much more highly favored by women than men. But the dash became considered ungrammatical (probably by virtue of the fact it was used more by women) and so fell out of favor.

The thing in our society is that English favors men and is a very male centric language. With second wave feminism what rose up was liberal feminism, that if women acted more like men (including language usage) they would be more likely to succeed in culture. Some efforts were made towards cultural feminism with language (womyn and the like) but that mostly got ridiculed.

The only thing I can think if is maybe that abbreviation speak that women use online on message boards. The whole "ds" and "dd" and "dh" and all of that stuff. I would guess that is strictly a female way of writing.

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Permalink Reply by Joe Mama on April 5, 2011 at 2:58pm

@Ruth - it doesn't have to suck - it could be interpretted as kind and open to acknowledging that another person could have information you don't have. It only sucks in that women's language, like women's work/bodies/strengths/etc, are not seen as worthy in comparison to those language patterns seen as masculine in our society. In some parts of the world, language patterns that allow for polite disagreement and saving "face" are considered polite, not "weak".

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Permalink Reply by mcglory13 on April 5, 2011 at 5:33pm

I just think it's hilarious that Ruth decried women's feelings that they need to apologize for their words by saying "it all kind of sucks." You know, as opposed to just "It sucks." :)

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Permalink Reply by YoYoWannaBe on April 5, 2011 at 6:24pm

I do find it discouraging that the practice of active listening, as taught by Alan Garner and others is labeled as feminine. All very interesting; thank you all for sharing your perspectives.

I do find it unusual and frustrating when a woman apologizes for having an opinion. But as McG pointed out, the movement to try to adjust women's speech to a more assertive mode was not terribly successful.

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Permalink Reply by YoYoWannaBe on April 5, 2011 at 6:27pm

I would like to point out, for those who know me, in the three weeks after my wife's surgery, she lost all remnants of feminine speech patterns. It was interesting to observe the process. I struggled with whether or not to give her feedback on this change during the critical period of pathway rebuilding.

The whole process made me question many things on the nature/nuture spectrum.

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Permalink Reply by mightyninjamom on April 6, 2011 at 6:56am

JM - you hit on something there. From what I've been able to discern just from watching a lot of Asian shows, everyone uses 'women's language'. That type of speech pattern is simply considered polite - not feminine or masculine.