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When is a friend no longer a friend?
At what point do you give up on a friendship? At what point do you hold onto one either to be polite or because it's convenient?
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by rommie on -
The long story, for what it's worth:
As I've mentioned before, I don't have any really serious friends in this area. I have people I know and like from my previous (and my husband's current) employer, but I only get to see one of them on any kind of a regular basis, and that's only for lunch. I have people I know and like to various extents from the local LLL/hippy-dippy parenting group, and that tends to be where the problems originate. I've been hanging out with one woman met through the latter group, who I'll call Lady X just because I've always wanted to call someone that, for about a year. At first, though we had nothing in common other than the fact that we had babies, we got along well. It didn't hurt that both our kids had food allergies, so we could talk about cooking. After a while, she started getting really clingy. I considered us somewhere between aquaintances and friends, since I'm just the type of person to have a small handful of extremely close friends, and it takes time to earn my complete trust and enter into that group. She had apparently fast-forwarded us to best bosom buddies status.
Over the last couple of months, she's become more distant, and I was 100% okay with that. I wanted to hang out, not have her hanging onto me and making comments like how such-and-such friend betrayed her by hanging out with some other person that Lady X doesn't like, and she's so heartbroken, but at least she knows she has me and I'd never do something like that. Um...yeah. The need on my part for hanging out was mostly because there was no one around and I needed human contact. She's a nice lady--and good friend in the sense of remembering birthdays and stuff--but I didn't feel any real connection.
Well, she zipped from "more distant" to making more obnoxious remarks than usual. She'd said things in the past about how, if I ever had a girl (her only child is female), she'd undoubtedly end up "twisted." I don't do the pink fluffy tutu thing, though I'd do my best if the child initiated it. Then it moved on to comparing the long-awaited return of her period to the miscarriage I'd had the day before. (I ended up telling her just to get her to shut up when she kept insisting I could be pregnant, as I was still feeling sick the day she came over.) Time went by without much in the way of oddness, and then a couple weeks ago she took out her anger at another person and some events in her life that I didn't know about...on me. Publicly, or as much of "publicly" as you can on a Facebook group. She deleted the worst of the comments within the hour, but things were said that should not have been said. I'm used to that. My father used to use me as his verbal punching bag, and I know it's not personal. I also know that, forgiveness aside, I can no longer trust her to not say things that are hurtful.
Yesterday she started texting me and wanting to know why I unfriended her on Facebook. I pointed out that I had unfriended pretty much everyone, as I had said I was going to do weeks before. Among other things, she accuses me of being mad at her. Over the course of the next few hours, I told her clearly, seven or eight times, that I had been irritated that she had once again lashed out at me because she was angry about something else, but that I wasn't mad. I was, honestly, perfectly fine. She kept trying to force me to tell her what exactly she had said that I had, weeks before, been irritated about, which I couldn't do because she'd deleted everything and I'm not an android with a perfect memory. Eventually, I told her three times to let it go and that the only thing making me mad was that she wouldn't frakking LET IT GO. That I didn't want to talk about it. I started out being extremely polite. I ended up being polite, but more straightforward, since she wasn't listening to me. I don't like it when people don't listen to me.
So now she's mad. I don't want her to be mad. In part, I just don't want anyone to be unhappy, with me or otherwise. In part, I don't want to lose one of the few contacts I have in this area for joining up and going to the park or whatever stay-at-home moms are supposed to do. I'm considering calling her tonight and seeing if she and the family want to come to dinner tomorrow. I guess I should add that I really do like her husband. He and I have a lot in common, unlike Lady X and I. Unfortunately, I can't hang out with him much because she's the type who is convinced that any other female who wants to, say, play video games actually wants to sleep with the poor guy. So not only do I lose a "friend," but Moose also loses out on getting to play with her daughter, and I lose out on a potential gaming buddy who gets my geeky book and movie references.
Do I let her go? Do I try to bring her back, even though I don't really even care if I ever see her again or not? Somehow, I doubt she'll change her ways, since she's convinced that she's right and that I'm just being mean. She really doesn't seem to think she's done or said anything unkind. I'm really not mad at her. I'm just tired of the games.
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Permalink Reply by Joe Mama on -
I would let this one go - she sounds like far more maintenance then your previous relationship would justify. I'm not a fan of drama and it seems like Shakespeare has nothin' on this one.
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Permalink Reply by ks on -
Yeah, I'm with JM. Just doesn't seem worth the trouble she brings to keep up the friendship.
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Permalink Reply by Lady Grey on -
You held on waaaay longer than I would've. She's not treating you well. What kind of friend is that?
And I second JM, drama sucks and I avoid it at all costs (and people who cause it).
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Permalink Reply by DLBK on -
I'd let her go, too. She's not nice to you and you don't have much in common, so why bother?
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Permalink Reply by kommishoner on -
Keeping a polite/not unfriendly distance may help you avoid inciting further drama with her but not causing her to feel like you've instigated a friend breakup, the grounds of which she can then debate.
fwiw, that's what I did with the unhelpful/self-centered baby-shower-on-mother's-day person I was complaining about on another thread - never really addressed the issues with her, and am friendly when I see her and/or when she wants to hang out. It keeps things at a low level of awkwardness.
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Permalink Reply by Lady Grey on
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Yeah, except this woman sounds like she's not going to let issues drop. She'll keep calling, at least for a while, to "talk about it" more. Blech.
If you have to see her at LLL meetings or at the park, or wherever, then yeah, keep things cordial, but you don't have to take her phone calls and inviting her over for dinner, well it looks like you're trying too hard to keep a "friend" who isn't really a friend and who takes advantage of you.
I had to stop returning calls to someone I met last year. I didn't care for her to begin with, but she kept inviting me and my family over for playdates/Halloween & birthday parties. We went to a couple, but when her kid was mean to my kid, that was it. I didn't need a further reason to drop her. Hate to be that way, but who has time in their lives to be burdened with people and things that make them unhappy?
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Permalink Reply by mcglory13 on -
I concur with what everyone else has said. Sounds like a hassle and a pain and more misery than joy. Probably time to let it go.
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Permalink Reply by mightyninjamom on -
Her behavior from the beginning seems suspect, to me. You may be used to people lashing out because of the previously mentioned verbal abuse, but that doesn't mean you should sit and take it. Or that you have to. This lady sounds...not right in the head somehow. Not only that, she is continually trying to re-write the boundaries of the friendship, by seeing how much you will take from her. Don't. Decide now what behavior you will accept, and then don't let her past that line. She is not a friend. She is someone who is looking for someone to take hits from her, whether they be verbal or behavior-oriented, for whatever reason. You are not her punching bag.
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Permalink Reply by TommysMommy on -
Yes to what everyone else said. It is so hard to find good friends and so not worth putting in any time for someone who doesn't treat you well.
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Permalink Reply by rommie on
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I've done a lot of thinking (and reading, of course). She's not a friend, that much is pretty clear. We did invite her and her family over for dinner the other day, and it went well. Moose loves playing with her daughter, so that was good. At this point, she's a friendly acquaintance. If they want to visit occasionally, that's cool. It won't be a regularly scheduled, several time a week sort of thing, but we can hang out a bit. If she screws up again at all--and, let's be honest, it's likely to happen--she's down to "person I see around town occasionally." I can at least feel at ease knowing I'm not just overreacting.
Thanks for the thoughts and advice. I was leaning towards letting her go, but it's easier knowing that it's justified and not just me twisting things all out of proportion.
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