An irreverent, inclusive, alternative parenting community
What Should I say... If anything?
Lately, there has been a lot of talk around here about my MIL moving up here from FL. I'll try to give as brief a background as I can on me and the "in-laws." I love my FIL and my SIL, even though they often do things that drive me BONKERS, but hey, so do my own relatives, so *shrug*. It would take way too long to go into why I don't get along with my husbands grandparents, so I'll leave that out for now.... but his Mom... is a whole other kettle of fish.
We've never had any major dissagreements or falling outs until recently when she flipped her lid about the baby's gender. She wanted to be THE FIRST to know when we found out, but despite the fact that we called her multiple times on the way home from the ultrasound, she never answered. She never called back. I informed the hubby that I had a literal LINE of friends and family waiting to hear the news and that I was absolutely NOT waiting for her to make herself available. She is notoriously flaky and unreliable. I called my family and then updated my facebook to inform our friends. The woman had a cow. *MOO*
She started posting really snide and ugly remarks on my facebook whenever the baby was even HINTED at, which is something I feel she should have long grown out of by now. When Tim called her to talk to her she refused to believe we had tried to call her, that we had with-held the information on purpose. She was ugly, rude, she hung up on him. Then the facebook stuff got worse. When Tim asked her to stop and tried to talk to her about it again, she deleted him and me from facebook (seriously) and then started emailing ME informing me to pass the message to her son that she no longer wanted anything at all to do with him, or to ever hear from him again, or to ever hear anything about any of our children EVER.
Despite trying to work things out with her multiple times, it only got worse. She ended up deleting every family member, my FIL and SIL included, as though it were a huge conspiracy.
The woman is psychotic. Really, I think, I don't *entirely* mean that sarcastically. The hubs moved to FL after college to "take care" of her for three years, during which time he was responsible for basically trying to keep her ass out of jail. The cops seriously knew him by name and sight and were APOLOGETIC to him whenever he had to come pick her up. Then, when she landed in jail anyway, he had to work to support himself, his sister, and his younger brother, as well as make sure the crazy lady didn't lose her home. AND?! She wore JEANS and a tank top to our WEDDING!!
So here is where I need advice. In all of this "talk" about his mom moving up here, everyone is EXCITED! He seems literally THRILLED that she is coming up here. And, okay, I get that it is mother we're talking about here, but he's talking about how "excited she is at the prospect of babysitting the kids." Um......MY KIDS???! The ones she didn't even want to hear about??! He wants the jail house, flaky mom of his whole growing up life, who has JUST gotten over her latest tantrum to babysit our CHILDREN?!!
I am at a total loss of how to handle this without coming out as "the big bad guy," but for my kids, I will go all Momma Bear if I have to. I haven't even said anything about it to him because I have no idea how to word that I am less than thrilled about her moving here at all, and HECK NO! she is NEVER babysitting, without sounding all typical, "I hate your mom and I'm being irrational" about it. How would the hive respond?
Replies to This Discussion
-
Permalink Reply by Mommy Monster on -
Wow. That's a huge issue, and I agree....no way would this flaky lady be watching my kids. Has her behavior gotten worse lately? Maybe there really is some mental illness that should be addressed?
I would tell your husband that you need to find a quiet time to talk to him and schedule it when the kids are not around. That way, he'll know there is a Big Issue to discuss, and you can do it calmly and rationally, on your terms, and not wait for some flare up to prompt it.
-
Permalink Reply by wookie on -
Watching them ... like alone? No f*cking way in hell. Watching them with you around, sure, why not.
You guys do need to talk. She doesn't sound like a reliable person to watch kids. I can sympathise... I love my mom and my in laws, but there's a whole lot of crazy and alcoholisim, so they don't babysit. Everyone is more sane that way.
-
Permalink Reply by mcglory13 on -
If he wants her to move up there, I don't think you're going to score any points or do yourself any favors by not supporting him in that. His relationship with his mom is his relationship with his mom (woe betide the woman or man who tells my son how to feel about me). Your kids, on the other hand, are another kettle of fish, and shouldn't be left with anybody you don't both feel comfortable with. But babysitting isn't an issue until she actually does move there. I'd leave it alone for now.
-
Permalink Reply by Gumbo Momma on -
Thanks for the input. I agree that he is entitled to be happy about his mom moving here, like I said, I get that it's his mother. Also, whether I'm happy about it or not isn't going to prevent it from happening. However, I do have concerns that her past behavior and her recent behavior are both signs that her being closer could cause some future problems. So, I'm not sure I'll leave my concerns about it out of discussion entirely.
As to her mental stability, I DO think it's a real issue and not just necessarily her personality. Her stint in jail was served for DUI. I suspect other drug use, but have no proof. Tim's little brother still lives with her and there have been times in the last year where he has called us and talked about how he had no idea where she was, that he hadn't seen her in days. So yeah, even if that does cause a big fuss, she is definitely not going to be charge of the kids alone.
-
Permalink Reply by SweetJudyB on -
As hard as it may be, facing your hubby and the rest of the family that is excited about this possible move, stick to your guns about this woman being left alone and in charge of your children. Sounds like your instincts are in overdrive about it, and I think you should trust them. I recently put up a post about my elderly folks watching kids, and pretty much everyone said "just don't let the opportunity arise".
-
Permalink Reply by kanachick on -
Is the move just talk or could it actually happen? Does she actually follow through on the things she says or is it likely that she's just floating a balloon and it won't really happen? I guess I'm saying "Don't Panic" until it's time to panic. If you go after your husband about his crazy mother and nothing comes of the talk about moving then you look like an asshole. What's her parole situation? Would she even be allowed to move at all?
-
Permalink Reply by Gumbo Momma on
-
The DUI situation happened before Tim and I even got married, so she could move if she chose to. The truth is, I'm not sure if it will happen or not. On the one hand, I could see it just being talked about and not really amounting to anything, but the SIL and Tim's little brother are really pushing for it. Honestly, I can't blame the kid for wanting to move up here where his siblings are around. On the other hand, I could also see her making the move without a set place to go and expecting us to put her up until she "gets on her feet." In the past, Tim has always been the one to step in and take care of her, and I would not be surprised to have her just show up on our doorstep one morning with no warning. Similar things have happened before with his little brother. He ends up getting dropped off up here with the SIL and then without any sort of warning we end up being expected to care for him while she works. It once turned into him staying the entire summer. Once he got here, it was like everyone else vanished. We couldn't get up with the SIL or the MIL until the day before he was due to start school.
kanachick said:Is the move just talk or could it actually happen? Does she actually follow through on the things she says or is it likely that she's just floating a balloon and it won't really happen? I guess I'm saying "Don't Panic" until it's time to panic. If you go after your husband about his crazy mother and nothing comes of the talk about moving then you look like an asshole. What's her parole situation? Would she even be allowed to move at all?
-
Permalink Reply by jenra on -
Holy wow. You need to talk to your husband about what you will and won't allow to happen. If you are not willing to have her stay with you, he needs to know that, and if your SIL is in town she needs to be kept in the loop so she can keep the couch warm for her mom. How old is your BIL?
-
Permalink Reply by Gumbo Momma on
-
He's.... 15 I think. Possibly 16, but I'm fairly certain he isn't legal driving age yet. Before we had Mr. C and got pregnant with this little one, we actually contemplated having him live with us full time. He was a lot younger then and quite a handful, but I felt like ultimately, he'd have been better off with us. At the same time, I wasn't sure that I was emotionally strong enough to deal with that kind of situation and we did have NB to think of too, so we just sort of waffled. After I got pregnant with mr. C though, that pretty much nipped in the bud. We don't have room for other people now. I have talked with Tim a little about it by now. Last night I asked if he had heard any more from his mom or sister about the potential move and he was talking about how she had a few houses lined up she wanted to look at and that there was plans in the make for her to come up around thanksgiving to look around in person. This is where my fear comes in, because for her and the BIL, "visits" like these often turn into prolonged stays where we start wondering if they are ever going to vacate. I brought up my concerns with her being left alone with the kids, just stating rather simply that I wasn't comfortable with that idea considering her past and recent behaviors. I explained that it wasn't that I expected her to be irresponsible, but that I feared it was a possibility and that I wasn't willing to even risk it with the kids. He said, "Yeah I get that." And that was it. He didn't really say anything else about it so I'm not sure he really said what he was thinking/feeling or not.
-
Permalink Reply by Mamawho on
-
I think I may be your long-lost SIL. You've described my mother! But I've cut all ties with her and she will NEVER talk to my child again. Done.
Anyhoo, boundaries. Make them. Love them. Your husband has to be on board with you, though, and kids of crazy parents aren't always so good at standing up to and denying their crazy parents the right to trample their lives. It's a seeking affection and approval thing. He got her back after she swore him off - he's going to tap dance for a while for her, and she probably fucking knows it.
If you can get him to acknowledge that he isn't terribly level-headed when it comes to his mom, maybe you can agree that you have final veto power when it comes to her access to the kids. It puts you in the crappy position of being the boundary warden, though, but you'll probably be the bad guy anyway. Yuck. I'm sorry.
© 2012 Created by Offsprunger.
Powered by 
.
