An irreverent, inclusive, alternative parenting community
thinking of trying a UU church
I'm needing some IRL community. for me, for my family, for my kids. I'm about 90% Atheist, and about 10% agnostic. that 10% is because shit, there is a lot I don't know, so how can I claim to KNOW that there is no god? plus, I feel that for D, he needs some other viewpoints in his life. we've talked about what I/we believe and in the typical 6yo fashion he believes pretty much exactly what I do. I want to give him lots of options and opinions so he can come to his own set of beliefs. I'm looking for a community that accepts us as we are and can offer us some of the things that a community can. I'm intrigued that the local church here is having a thanksgiving sunday service for Atheists. I'm guessing that the congregation has enough non-believers to warrant having a service dedicated to Atheism. this is promising.
I know some of you have attended these churches and I'm wondering what you can tell me about your experiences. Is it: truly as inclusive as they claim to be? w/o the dogma that conventional religion clings to? What is the best/worst part about the church? things to expect?
So, i'm a little apprehensive but I need something... I don't have much of a community around me and more and more I'm seeing that maybe that is the root of so many problems today. we've talked about it here before, how it takes a village, and it seems I am w/o one (at least IRL). I need people. I really do. I also seem to have some social anxiety which makes it hard to connect with the people I need. I mean, I can fake it enough when out and about, but forming anything meaningful has become very tough for me.
I dream of the OS commune. but until then, I'm looking locally.
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Lady Grey on -
I have a co-worker who attends a UU church (and know a couple of others) and was talking to her about it this week, in fact. I, too, am intrigued. She keeps inviting me to hang with her UU friends. Aside from the fact that I'm usually too busy to hang with friends ( :( ), she's also 8 years younger than me and suspect many of her friends are, too. It can be hard to find things in common with childless, single youngsters.
Anyway, I digress. I'm curious, but I'm pretty much 100% atheist and don't really want to develop a spiritual side at this point. That sounds close-minded, I know. I'm sure allowing that into my life would be beneficial for me, but I feel like I don't have the energy nor time to devote to it. Since Girl Grey (wow, haven't used that moniker in a while!) was born, I have sort of longed to have a community for our family and I suspect the UU group would be good. I don't know.
We should just try it and see what it's all about rather than get advice from others, huh? The have an amazing comprehensive sex-ed program (my co-worker who attends the UU church has a MPH (Master of Public Health), so is very interested in such things), which I think is neat.
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Permalink Reply by Mommy Monster on -
I attended a UU church for years, and really loved it. Until I didn't anymore, but that was all about the dysfunction of that particular congregation and not about the denomination.
LG, the program you mention is called Our Whole Lives (OWL) and it's amazing. I'm going to see if I can enroll Meredith and Jack even though we aren't attending anymore.
So my thoughts are these:
1. Yes it's really that inclusive. To the point of being almost exclusionary towards Christians/Theists. I understand that - it's a place where it really, really is OK to be Atheist and most Atheists feel excluded in so many other places. But, as a sort of Theist, it was a little off putting to me. I found zero dogma.
2. Like any other organization its an 80/20 thing. 20% of the people do 80% of the work. If you recognize that going in and don't let yourself get sucked into every committee or event, but really choose what you like and want to do, you can gain (and give) a lot.
3. I dont' have a single bad thing to say about having my kids go there. They made some awesome friends and I loved the reinforcement they got being with peers who have similar values without the dogma.
4. If you have options, I would look for a church that is a designated "Welcoming Congregation" (if that's important to you). It means the congregation has gone through a formal process, including educational sessions, regarding LGBTQ issues and is formally welcoming of all individuals and families. I was part of our Welcoming Congregation committee. It was a great experiance. If you look at the main UU website, these congregations are noted with a rainbow flag. I loved my kids seeing families of all kinds and no one batted an eye.
Almost all of my IRL friends came through our UU church. Unfortunately I've lost touch with a lot of them. We still toy with going back because it was such a great place of community for us.
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Permalink Reply by Andromeda on -
yeah, i'm not really looking to develop a spiritual side either, but i can appreciate the morals and values that this kind of community upholds. i can teach my kid morals and i can pass on my values, but i like the idea of having a group of people around whose morals and values are similar and can add to the teaching experience.
Lady Grey said:I have a co-worker who attends a UU church (and know a couple of others) and was talking to her about it this week, in fact. I, too, am intrigued. She keeps inviting me to hang with her UU friends. Aside from the fact that I'm usually too busy to hang with friends ( :( ), she's also 8 years younger than me and suspect many of her friends are, too. It can be hard to find things in common with childless, single youngsters.
Anyway, I digress. I'm curious, but I'm pretty much 100% atheist and don't really want to develop a spiritual side at this point. That sounds close-minded, I know. I'm sure allowing that into my life would be beneficial for me, but I feel like I don't have the energy nor time to devote to it. Since Girl Grey (wow, haven't used that moniker in a while!) was born, I have sort of longed to have a community for our family and I suspect the UU group would be good. I don't know.
We should just try it and see what it's all about rather than get advice from others, huh? The have an amazing comprehensive sex-ed program (my co-worker who attends the UU church has a MPH (Master of Public Health), so is very interested in such things), which I think is neat.
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Permalink Reply by Andromeda on
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thanks MM! the OWL program sounds really good for when D and Ro get older. I think the congregation here in sacramento has the welcoming congregation. i saw something about it on their website.
and i'm glad to hear they are as inclusive as they say. I belong to the local atheist meetup group and i think it does have stuff to offer, but not for my family. so many of the people either don't have kids or have grown kids so most of the meetups are not kid friendly. plus, i can only listen to so many lectures about proof jesus didn't exist, or how horribly bad the christian religion has screwed things up. I don't want to be an angry atheist.
Mommy Monster said:I attended a UU church for years, and really loved it. Until I didn't anymore, but that was all about the dysfunction of that particular congregation and not about the denomination.
LG, the program you mention is called Our Whole Lives (OWL) and it's amazing. I'm going to see if I can enroll Meredith and Jack even though we aren't attending anymore.
So my thoughts are these:
1. Yes it's really that inclusive. To the point of being almost exclusionary towards Christians/Theists. I understand that - it's a place where it really, really is OK to be Atheist and most Atheists feel excluded in so many other places. But, as a sort of Theist, it was a little off putting to me. I found zero dogma.
2. Like any other organization its an 80/20 thing. 20% of the people do 80% of the work. If you recognize that going in and don't let yourself get sucked into every committee or event, but really choose what you like and want to do, you can gain (and give) a lot.
3. I dont' have a single bad thing to say about having my kids go there. They made some awesome friends and I loved the reinforcement they got being with peers who have similar values without the dogma.
4. If you have options, I would look for a church that is a designated "Welcoming Congregation" (if that's important to you). It means the congregation has gone through a formal process, including educational sessions, regarding LGBTQ issues and is formally welcoming of all individuals and families. I was part of our Welcoming Congregation committee. It was a great experiance. If you look at the main UU website, these congregations are noted with a rainbow flag. I loved my kids seeing families of all kinds and no one batted an eye.
Almost all of my IRL friends came through our UU church. Unfortunately I've lost touch with a lot of them. We still toy with going back because it was such a great place of community for us.
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Permalink Reply by MamatothaMax on -
I'm an atheist and not the least bit spiritual. I don't really want to be.
That's the one draw back of atheism in my opinion, the lack of instant community. So I've had to work and put myself out there, something I'm not very comfortable with.
This could certainly be very good for you and the boys. It could be worth just a couple of visits if it means you make some new friends even if you end up not becoming a member.
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Permalink Reply by TeacherJ on -
I grew up UU, and I still go to UU church. I recently started going to a new UU church that's closer to where I live now. I'm pretty sure the primary reason my family started going to the church I grew up in was for the community, and that's definitely the reason I've stayed. A lot of my church friends started going once they had kids.
I'm an atheist, and I've never felt unwelcome. UU churches do vary widely as to how spiritually oriented they are - some of that comes from the congregation, and some from the minister. The church I grew up in feels more traditionally "churchy" than many UU congregations. The one I go to now seems a lot less so (at least so far). Some congregations use god language, others talk about the mystery of the universe or force of life. Everybody sort of expects that whatever language is used will be as inclusive as possible and that everyone will interpret it to make sense to them.
I also have some social anxiety. Which is why it took me a full year after moving to start going to the local UU church. But everyone was super welcoming and friendly, and people go out of their way to be extra helpful if they know you're new. You should definitely stay for the coffee or social hour if you decide to go; that's when all the chatting happens.
For me, an atheist group isn't a good fit. I like that going to UU church helps me figure out what I DO believe in (morality and life-wise, not spiritually), and that there's a bunch of other people there trying to figure it out, too.
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Permalink Reply by kommishoner on -
I went Quaker. I find it to be much like UU, only quieter.
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Permalink Reply by The Oracle on -
Ah, kommish, I want to know more. We've been going to UU churches for a few years, in L.A. and here as well, and lately I've been thinking about checking out the Quakers.
Andromeda, to your question, what's been said here is mostly what I've experienced as well, but I will add that the UU church we attended in L.A. was much more pagany spiritual WRT observing Solstices and stuff like that, whereas the one here is much more atheist/rational, almost to the point of shying away from anything that hints at spirituality. I like a little pagan with my agnosticism so I miss the L.A. church. Plus, the minister there was just a freaking genius in the way she tied several divergent threads together and stuff.
But I guess my point is that, even if the nearest UU church doesn't suit you, I wouldn't give up right away. A lot of how services go seems to depend on the particular minister and congregation.
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Permalink Reply by kommishoner on
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I've got some articles and stuff about the practice, Oracle. Remind me and I'll scan them and email them to you.
I big heart the Quakers, if for no other reason than their core tenet is the same as mine, which is that service doesn't end at the meeting room door - you engage in connection with the divine, and you worship, wherever you are, and whenever you perform service, and whenever you connect to the goodness in others. It's really helped me quit being such a cynic. They're not the rowdiest bunch, it's true, but I like them a lot.
Also, people can kind of connect in whatever way works for them, so some people are a little Jesus-heavy for me. I just try to filter it out and listen to the sentiment.
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Permalink Reply by hermit crab on -
If you really, really don't want the Jesus part, you can always hit up the Reform Jews. The excellent congregation we visited this fall sounds exactly like kommishoner's description of the Quakers, substituting mentions of the Old Testament God for the New.
Given how I felt completely alienated from the congregation I grew up in over issues of exclusion and politics around Israel, I was so delighted to find a place that didn't ask me to try to be spiritual in a context of political and ethical myopia.
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Permalink Reply by Boring User Name on -
Husband grew up UU. We went to one here for awhile until I got recruited to the board and the drama became too much. But our minister was an atheist and there were lots of atheists/agnostics there. Also, ours was attracting a lot of young families that were looking for other liberal families to connect with. I would recommend checking one out.
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Permalink Reply by Andromeda on
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Well I went yesterday. I liked it. it was nice, low-key, and not at all preachy. My initial impression was like if you took all the god-stuff out of a conventional sunday sermon and just talked message. The message was one of community, helping, and team-work. i liked that. I don't like that morality is often tied up in being held accountable to a higher power and I felt none of that there. so far i like what i've experienced. I will be going back. :)
one question though for those of you who attended for a long time: what is the "becoming a member" all about? per the website of the local UU church there is a bit of a financial "donation" but nowhere do i see what that really entails or how much. that part makes me just a little uncomfortable because at this point it feels a little like tithing. i mean, i understand it takes money to run a church and to offer the things that they do (and boy, does this church offer a LOT) but i'm curious, for those who choose not to become a member for what ever reason, but still enjoy the services, are they treated as second class or what? i just don't have enough information about it and i felt uncomfortable asking my first time there.
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