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The way she dresses
My daughter has been at her school almost a month now and three times she's been talked to by a teacher for how she dresses.
The first time was disturbing. I had told my daughter that morning that a muscle shirt, though the style and technically ok with an undershirt because the code only says no spaghetti straps (which seriously don't get me started on the spaghetti equals whore, lasagna = classy lady thing), but its ugly and not very school professional. She is her own damn person though, she swears tons of girls and more boys (with nothing under) wear them, so I let her go.
She's in the middle of a math test when teacher interrupts her to say, "stay after class." After class, teacher tells the child, she's distracting the boys by how she is dressed. Now, mind you this shirt fits the dress code - and - when did it become any girl's problem how a boy perceives a girl? Also, isn't her ability to focus on her test more important than the teacher's urgent desire to whore shame?
This week, she was talked to (unexpectedly) twice by two teachers. It seems to me the rules are 100% subjectively enforced, and my daughter is being singled out. She's kind of clueless to how lovely she is, but frankly, she doesn't care. She dresses how she does for a few reasons:
1) She is a performer, she likes to stand out, she likes to dress up, she refuses to be seen in scrubby clothes and her favorite scrubs are taxi cab pj pants or wiener dog pj pants. Even those stand out.
2) the child is tall and skinny. It does not matter if she eats yogurt for breakfast or two pop tarts, a chocolate chip frappaccino and a piece of Sbux banana bread - she must consume close to 3,000 calories a day to maintain her normal weight. This makes clothes shopping hard. People feel for the girl who is skinny with large breasts, who can't find non-baggy flattering shirts, but there is no sympathy for the girl who sometimes swims in xsmalls. She cannot help it! She just can't. Her skirts would be awesome length wise if she could fit in a 4 but it falls off over her hips. The cheerleaders wear shorter skirts. The football players' girlfriends wear shorter shorts with their boyfriends' jerseys and the enforcement is therefore 100% subjective.
I wrote a letter to the teachers begging them to stop harassing my girl. She feels awkward enough without grown ass women singling her out. I would understand if they overtly and non-subjectively enforced the rule publicly with the entire student body, but they don't. And at least twice, she was within code when they forced her to wear a sweater on a hot day, or told her to stop distracting the boys.
Maybe I'm missing something, but my girl is not a whore and it feels like the only thing that would make the teachers happy would be if on an 80 degree day my daughter does what she did today - wears jeans, a lasagna strap tank top and a t-shirt that fits well but if she raises her hand might show a quarter of an inch of her skin - without a tank top.
Her friend, my neighbor, was also wearing jeans this am because last week she was sent to the principals office and refused to change out of shorts (which again were longer than the cheer uniforms others wear and didn't show anything that should be covered) and were far less revealing than the footballer girlfriends' clothes.
Why does the school favor the clothes that brand a girl as property of the boys, while telling other girls they are distracting the boys?
My guess is that actual boys are disrupting class, day dreaming, or showing off in a way the teachers' perceive is related to how a girl is dressed. But doesn't that mean these boys should be singled out? My girl is not interested in any of the boys at her school, and if she were, still I don't think it's her problem. Seriously, the girl could wear sweats and a t-shirt, some boys will still be distracted.
I really don't understand this "issue". My son doesn't treat girls as objects. He's almost 11, and cute, and girls are constantly trying to get his attention (which he doesn't mind, but also doesn't use as an excuse to not focus in class, or respect them and his teachers. ).
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Herasmus B. Dragon on
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Regardless of the issue, a teacher should not be dealing with the student on this, because it's such a subjective thing. This is something for the principal or assistant principal to do. The teacher does not have authority.
That being said, so what if your daughter is gorgeous (and she is!)? She is not to blame for horny teenage boys staring at her. She could be in head to toe sweats and they'd be staring at her. And I completely agree with you that interrupting her test to ask her to stay after was completely inappropriate. No doubt it threw off her concentration and affected her grade. What kid can keep calm after being told they've done something wrong while they were just sitting there, working?
Sounds like a meeting with the principal and the teacher might be in order, if at the very least to get the principal to spell out very clearly what is and isn't acceptable in the dress code.
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Permalink Reply by mcglory13 on -
I have a bunch of thoughts about this.
1) Have you talked to R explicitly about the bad social narrative the teachers are falling into and trying to teach her? Sometimes you cannot help the irrational bullshit other adults inflict upon your children, but you can subvert them by explaining why they are acting the way they are, why that's bullshit, and why it's a choice to go along with it in service of a greater good (or that sometimes it's not worth going along with it).
2) I suspect teachers and administrators are not going to necessarily understand why they are being assholes in this instance. Note: it's not just girls in clothing that is too "revealing." They also take issue with kids who dye their hair exotic colors, have lots of piercings, belong to other religions that demand specific clothes, wear curlers in their hair. Anything "abnormal" is supposedly "distracting." I think it would be vastly more productive to get away from the notion that there is a "normal" and "acceptable" so that kids would be immune to this stuff, but I'm not making public school rules. They also inflict these rules on teachers, by the way. I just wrote a recommendation for a student teacher and one of the categories they ask me to comment on is "appearance." Super.
3) To that end, you'll probably gain more traction arguing about the consistency of the rules and asking that if teachers feel there is an issue they do it in a way that doesn't single out, shame, or embarrass girls.
4) I'm sure this was just rhetorical question asked out of frustration, but the rules are set up the way they are because we live in a patriarchy and we like to argue that a girl is "asking for it" if she wears a short skirt (as if women are never harassed, attacked, or raped in countries where they were full length outfits and veils). Public schools are an institution. They uphold dominant values.
5) My general approach is that I can't change their behavior immediately, I can just change my reaction to it and frame the issue and what the subtext is for my child.
6) All this said, it might be that my thoughts and advice aren't what's needed but instead a hearty THAT FUCKING SUCKS. Which I offer you. As that's complete bullshit.
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Permalink Reply by Mamawho on
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My school had a hard-core dress code, but it wasn't very subjective. Teachers enforced it, but there wasn't much room for picking on kids. Skirts no shorter than 1 inch above the knee, no shorts, ever. No t-shirts, except for school shirts on the day of sport event. No sweats or athletic wear and nothing sleeveless, period.
ETA - I think when dress codes are vague and inconsistent, it makes it too easy for teachers and admins to say these crazy-ass things, because there seems to be no other reason why kids can't wear item X. A well-written dress code might fix that.
Telling her that she's "distracting the boys" is just out of bounds. If she's got something on that's out of dress code, that's not a huge deal, and a gentle reminder will do. But the dress code needs to be clear and enforcement needs to not be a girl's introduction to slut-shaming. I'd meet with the principal and get this ironed out.
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Permalink Reply by ks on -
Depends on how many enemies you feel like making and how much you want to fight this particular battle, because it absolutely *is* 100% subjective. I would, politely, let the teachers know that so long as she is within the letter of the dress code, then it isn't their business how she dresses and if the boys can't control themselves, then that is their problem. And I would repeat that to the teachers, principal, other parents, whoever, over and over again. And until that dress code is enforced 100% across the board, then they need to lay off your kid who isn't behaving disruptively or inappropriately. But honestly, I don't know that there isn't very much you *can* do other than support your kid and document every single instance of harassment by teachers and administrators at the school, because that shit is absolutely harassment, so that if it does come to it, you have records that your kid is being singled out.
But I feel for her. I was built that way as a teenager too--skinny, really tall (with most of my height in the legs), small chested, and a tiny waist. It didn't matter what I wore, it was always way shorter on me than on the other girls. Always. Every skirt/dress was a mini and every pair of shorts were short shorts. And I got to hear about it all the time, because it was "distracting for the boys" and "inappropriate for school," even if I was wearing exactly the same outfit as half the other girls in school. And it doesn't end just because I'm now a bit chubby and an adult. When A was a baby, I was doing a long term sub job at the fancy high school in town and I got reprimanded by the principal because my boobs were distracting to the boys in my class. I was breastfeeding and they were huge and, while I was always pretty careful about cleavage and such, I did wear tight-ish sweaters and button down tops with camisoles underneath. I asked her flat out if she thought I should just leave the boobs at home and come to work without them, because of course I'd be willing to do that. Or if maybe I should continue on and act professionally, and let the boys learn to deal with their hormones like the almost grown-ups they were. She shut up, but, needless to say (because of that and some other personality conflicts), I did not have my contract renewed at that school.
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Permalink Reply by StitchyWench on -
Oh crap! She just texted me on the sly to say her entire lunch table was dress coded for wearing red bandana headbands for the high school theme color - tonight is homecoming. She refused to remove it until, "The principal forced me to!"
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Permalink Reply by StitchyWench on
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McG, we have had many discussions, together, with friends, with other parent feminist supporters, and with her boyfriend, who now lovingly and completely tongue-in-cheek jokes with her for being so whorey with her clothing selections. She appreciates his support.
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Permalink Reply by mcglory13 on
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Well, the say the number one thing that "bully proofs" children/teens is support and love from family/friends so I think that's the number one most awesome thing to do.
Also a chance to bust out that "Mean Girls' quote: "Boo you whore!" :)
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Permalink Reply by StitchyWench on
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...minimizes disruptions to the educational environment, ensures student safety,
and encourages you to wear clothing that fully allows participation in learning activities.
•Heavy coats and hats may be worn to school but should be removed once in the school building. If you are often cold, wear a pullover or zipper style fleece, windbreaker, sweater or sweatshirt while at school.
•Bandannas, hats and hoods may not be worn in the building.
•Pants should fit securely at the waist, completely cover your undergarments, and not drag on the floor.
•Shirts and tops must cover the midriff when reaching above your head.
•Shorts and skirts should be long enough to adequately cover you, not be a distraction to others or
inhibit your ability to participate in all learning activities.
•Halter-tops, backless tops and spaghetti straps are not acceptable. Tops should cover all undergarments. •Sleepwear is not appropriate attire for school.
•Tank tops with large arm openings should be worn with another shirt underneath.
•Clothing and other items may not have inappropriate language/pictures, be gang related or advertise
alcohol, drug or tobacco products.
This is the dress code. Only 2 of the 4 were covered explicitly here. 2 are subjective.
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Permalink Reply by StitchyWench on
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We say that often and watch the movie frequently! Also, you guys would love the letter I wrote. I can't share it here, but it was very good and told them a) uniformly, publicly, and in writing, enforce the code. Otherwise, leave my kid alone!
Also, conferences with student, one of the teachers, and her, are Thursday.
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Permalink Reply by StitchyWench on
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We live in the most upscale hood/zip in the state. Gangs are not a problem here!
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Permalink Reply by mightyninjamom on -
I think it's great you're backing her up. And those teachers...WTF?
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