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The Suburbs
We are house-shopping. We are doing it pretty casually, though, until our current condo sells. But, my husband would like to put a few suburbs on our list. I'm struggling with it. I know the concrete positives: more space, better schools, etc., but I'm struggling with the intangibles. On one hand, it's a little like moving anywhere--I don't want to make new friends. I like the ones I have now. And moving will make me see the ones I have now less. I don't like that. Perhaps if we were moving to an entirely new city, I could live with that, but I don't want them to be 15 miles away, but feel like more.
But, there is something more to it. I think I feel like when moving, any new friends I will make will be as "the Kid's Mom." Most of my friends I have now have been friends from prior to the arrival of the Kid. Sure, those that have kids, we talk about the kids, but we also talk about other stuff. And more importantly, they know me as something other than a Mom. Oh yeah, and I have fair amount of friends who aren't parents in the city. I have this perception that the only people in the suburbs are families, which I know is false, but when you have a kid and the first question anyone asks is "are you moving to the suburbs?", the perception gets reinforced...
Am I being a suburb snob? Will this happen when moving anywhere? Is my identity slowly but surely going to become "the Kid's Mom" no matter what, even if I stay in my current condo?
Perhaps this could have been a blog post as it ended up being longer and more personal than I started it as, but the moving thing has been a theme around here, so I figured there other with mixed feelings about it...
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by MamaButterfly on -
I don't know if this helps any, but when I moved from one small town to a slightly larger small town next door, I made a lot of friends that didn't even have kids and didn't just identify me as "the kids mom". I think the reason for that is, I discovered new hangouts in that area (bars and coffeshops) and would go there without the kids just for some me time. I also got really into the local music scene.
It wasn't the suburbs though. Sorry, I don't know what that's like. But 15 miles really isn't that far, and I'm sure these friends you've had for so long will still be a part of your life.
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Permalink Reply by Mamawho on
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I hear ya. I hate the burbs. Some folks don't like the city. We know a single guy who nearly makes 6 figures and he lives in an ugly townhouse in the far outer burbs here. He likes it there. I can't understand. I'm more of a small-city gal, myself. Probably why I liked Oak Park so much. We're eyeballing a small city (30,000) much farther north for a job that's opened up - it would be heaven if it weren't so cold all the time.
I'm not crazy about being in the burbs here, but we're pretty close in and it's just too damned expensive to live in DC proper. Insane.
Just wait until your kid's friends start greeting you like this: "Hi, Kid's Mommy!" I ceased to have a name for a few years. I laugh about it now, but it got to me a few times.
I felt like my identity was being swamped by "GirlWho's Mommy" but as she's gotten older and become a more independent personality and identity herself, that is subsiding. Other parents introduce themselves and we chat for a minute before saying whose parents we are. It's nice.
You could probably keep the lifestyle and friends you have now if you were in one of the near west burbs. I have friends in Park Ridge, which isn't that far out, but it felt like it was to me. And it's too damn close to O'Hare. And don't underestimate the draw of actual backyard barbecues if you get a house in the close burbs - it would be like when the first one of your friends got an apartment and the rest were in dorms. :)
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Permalink Reply by GGG on -
Stay in the city! Stay!!!
Kidding. ;) Why did your husband want to add the 'burbs to the list? May be a little discussion then about the pros and cons will get the burbs off the list permanently. And you won't be able to dodge the 'kid's mom'. I just got it this morning from one El D's preschool classmates. *hangs head*
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Permalink Reply by StitchyWench on -
A I'm glad this isn't a blog post - for some reason the mobile version of this site won't let me read this page's blogs on my iPhone.
B most of my friends in the suburbs, are my friends. I've found I don't fit in well with a lot of the kids' friends parents. I've met friends here who are neighbors, some through political activism and a few because we all have kids - even though the kids aren't close.
Sometimes the suburbs really stink, and sometimes they're pretty great.
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Permalink Reply by The Oracle on -
I grew up in the suburbs and always swore that I'd never end up back in them. I struggled with that a lot when we were looking for a house this time. We're ending up with a place that's only kinda suburban, but still very close to the city. and even that took a mighty effort for me to accept. (We're in escrow now. I still have my moments of internal conflict.)
I think that if you agree to explore that route, you have to define very precisely what it is you like/don't like/fear/loathe about suburbia and then define your terms around that. For example (with apologies to anyone who lives in one), I drew the line at L-shaped ramblers and split-level houses. I just have too much baggage with those layouts. Really, it's old old childhood stuff that I didn't want to go back to. On the same note, but slightly less personal, I didn't want to live in a neighborhood that was based on the same 3-4 blueprints, like the neighborhood I grew up in. And I wanted somewhere with little independent businesses nearby, not strip mall and/or big box hell.
And yeah, I think you become "Kid's Mom" no matter where you are, at least for a time and in some circles. And yeah, 15 miles is pretty far for someone who lives in the city, not so far for someone who lives in suburbia. My experience is, if you're the one living in suburbia, it's going to be on you to go see your city friends 15 miles away. To them, 15 miles is "out in the boondocks" and worth a novelty drive once but probably not more than that. The only reason I agreed to the house we're buying is because it's NOT that far from the city and it's walking distance to a couple cafes. All driving, all the time = true suburbia and I wasn't willing to do it.
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Permalink Reply by Herasmus B. Dragon on
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I grew up right here in the suburbs and feel kindof meh about them. Convenience and choice of stores is nice, but when all your neighbors spend most of the waking hours at their office, it's really just a bunch of nice houses and stores without a neighborhood feeling.
In all the places I've lived, I've felt most comfortable in a small town near a large city, as long as the town is independant of the city. I like the type of people that choose to live in small towns.
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Permalink Reply by The Oracle on
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To me, that's different than what I think of as suburbs. That sounds nice.
When I think "suburbs," I think large subdivisions of houses all the same four colors (olive green, cream, mustard and tan) with the same basic layouts, curved streets and cul d'sacs, no mixed-use areas, no commercial districts in walking distance, no cohesive sense of identity or identifiable sense of place or clear town boundaries. No real town, actually, at all.
I think Edward Scissorhands. And I shudder. Visibly.
Herasmus B. Dragon said:I grew up right here in the suburbs. In all the places I've lived, I've felt most comfortable in a small town near a large city, as long as the town is independant of the city. I like the type of people that choose to live in small towns.
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Permalink Reply by bethany on -
Daria,
My hubby's from Chicago (Morgan Park neighborhood). We met at the University of Chicago. We talked about moving back. His idea of living there now is the 'burbs. Mine was the Wrigleyville or something in the city. Never the twain shall meet. Suffice it to say we're in upstate NY and not Chicago.
Chicago suburbs are particularly NOT Chicago--granted suburbs have some good things but it's a helluva trip to the city, and if you plan on commuting, hells no!
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Permalink Reply by Daria on -
To answer a variety of questions:
1) The biggest reason for moving to the suburbs is to get a single-family home. Single-family homes in much of the city are really, really expensive. I thought I was willing to do a townhome, but I look at single-family homes and I see a yard, in which I can garden and more importantly, send the kid out to play in. So, there are a few single-family homes in neighborhoods in the city that we can afford...but the commute to downtown is actually further from those city locations than from the near suburbs. And they just aren't great neighborhoods...our favorite house so far by office buildings...not a real "city" feel.
2) Bethany, you might to live in Wrigleyville, but chances are that you may not want to send your kids to school there. Or more accurately, one side of the street in Wrigleyville, your kid qualifies for the neighborhood school with a good reputation, on the other side, the one with a bad reputation. And the house prices reflect that. I feel totally snobbish saying this kind of crap. I don't think my kid needs to do go the best school...an average school is fine, but there a ton of schools with really low attendance rates, really low test scores, and little parental involvement. (We can talk up the yin-yang about how those statistics may not reflect the quality of the education or an individual teacher...but I don't know how we sort through hundreds of neighborhood schools without relying on some "objective measures.") And yes, it totally sucks that the quality of education in the U.S.A. varies so much.
3) Oracle is right. 15 miles isn't much to the suburbanite, but it is on the reverse side. They can't take a cab home (without it costing a boatload of money). And drinking is a real issue-I can drive to the city to avoid the train schedule, but then I can't drink. And they don't necessary want to drive to see me, either for the same reason. And those drunken girl gab sessions are kind of useful for bonding. And they just lose an impromtu feeling with the need to plan ahead of time, around train schedules, etc. It's difficult to schedule now without those additional barriers.
4) The "Kid's Mom" aspect. I actually don't mind it being called it all that much from kids...I'm just not ready for my whole identity to be that. I think this is also a SAHM-transition issue. I'm going from big firm lawyer to SAHM and I feel a little lost. I've spent most of my "me" time in the last year working on health issues, but now that those are improving, whether in the city or suburbs, I need to be figuring out more non-kid activities for myself. Anyway, I'm glad to know that many of you all have been successful in forming friendships outside of the kids. Stitchy raises a point that is a suburb plus: political activism actually becomes do-able.
So yeah, there's more going on than just the move, but I appreciate the comments. Very useful in terms of sorting through things.
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Permalink Reply by Daria on
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That is my fear...although my involvement is already becoming less impromtu. And that's why it is posted in this category. I really am contemplating the relationships most of all...
And two other quick thoughts:
1) Stitchy: Click on "full site" at the bottom and you should be able to see everything, as in the normal site. Which can be annoying on a phone, but at least you can read everything.
2) Oracle/HBD: These are suburbs with little downtowns and such....not the far western ones with only strip malls. So it could be worse...
T-Rex said:
But! I unfortunately live 30 minutes away from my best friends, who all live closer together, and I am so hurt when I hear of them hanging out in the kitchen together, catching an impromptu bite to eat, etc. My involvement is always planned. If you have a good group of friends, don't move too far.
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Permalink Reply by StitchyWench on
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Awesome -what a dork! I've never noticed the "view full version of this page" before. :D
Daria said:That is my fear...although my involvement is already becoming less impromtu. And that's why it is posted in this category. I really am contemplating the relationships most of all...
And two other quick thoughts:
1) Stitchy: Click on "full site" at the bottom and you should be able to see everything, as in the normal site. Which can be annoying on a phone, but at least you can read everything.
2) Oracle/HBD: These are suburbs with little downtowns and such....not the far western ones with only strip malls. So it could be worse...
T-Rex said:
But! I unfortunately live 30 minutes away from my best friends, who all live closer together, and I am so hurt when I hear of them hanging out in the kitchen together, catching an impromptu bite to eat, etc. My involvement is always planned. If you have a good group of friends, don't move too far.
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Permalink Reply by Kiwi on -
How much will moving away from the city change other things for you guys (i.e. work commutes, recreation activities, etc)?
I totally hate the suburbs. I am pretty sure the fact that I've had to dwell in the burbs for nearly the past 7 years if my punishment for crimes committed in a past life.
The 'burb I dwell in is a city 20 miles from the center of Houston and has a population of about 80K. I mostly hate it because I work in the city and everything we regularly do for fun (zoo, museums, great restaurants, etc) is in the city so I'm driving back and forth 6 days a week.
I have finally made up my mind to move back into the city and we are relocating in June. I loath packing but I love the idea of being within walking/biking distance of work and the places we play.
Good blog post about city vs burb
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