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The honeymoon is over
The nearly 4.5 year old, E, has been having trouble dealing with his frustration and aggression, and now I've been called to the "principal's office" to brainstorm about it. I feel ashamed, embarrassed and lost.
The lead teacher in his classroom seems to be rather cold towards me, and I worry she's that way with him too. I know her job is hard. She's seen him hitting other kids without provocation. I don't want him to be labeled as a troublemaker. I know there is zero tolerance when it comes to hitting.
I just feel totally defeated, totally horrid, a total failure as a mom. I've been reading books about spirited kids, trying techniques in the nurtured heart approach, trying to figure out what to do. I give him love, affection, my time- even fish oil with the thought it will help his brain.
He can hold a grudge, and when he perceives he's been slighted, he runs with it. He sometimes will take responsibility for his actions, but more often will try to put the blame on others.
I worry it sounds like nagging and he stops listening when I bring up good choices, bad choices, hands are not for hitting, etc...We read books about dealing with anger, and tell him all feelings are okay, but being mean or hurting people is not okay, etc...
I'm rambling. I know I've posted on this topic before. I know many others here are dealing with bigger struggles. Thanks for letting me vent OS.
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by wookie on -
That still sounds pretty developmentally normal. It's something you're working on, together, and it sounds like you're on the right track. If he's still hitting people without provocation in 5th grade, it's a bigger problem. In kindergarten? Dude. So normal! I think by this age we're hopeful they aren't biting one another like puppies anymore. Hopeful.
So, the two key points you're trying to run with, making a non-hitting choice and taking responsibility.
My gut feel is to draw out the second one first. Encourage him to talk about how the other person made him feel, because that's probably what he's having trouble expressing.
John took my turn at the sink. That made me feel mad. Then I hit him. That was my choice. What other choices could I have made (deep breath, words, etc.)
I know the books you're reading probably cover some if not all of that, but reading your post makes me think that's at the heart here. He doesn't feel like his feelings are being acknowledged, probably doesn't know how to sort them out, and until he can be acknowledged, he's going to have trouble taking responsibility for his actions and making different choices.
Totally normative, afaik. Not desirable, obviously, but totally normal. You're not a bad parent. A bad parent would laugh and talk about the other kids toughening up, or fight with the teacher and principal about how your sweet little snowflake could never!
If the teacher is cold, there's nothing you can do to change that, so let go of that worry.
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Permalink Reply by Lady Grey on -
Totally normal. My 4.5 year old son is having some issues, too. It's mostly a result of making the wrong choice to hang with the trouble maker kids, then Baby Grey also gets in trouble. When he hangs with the quiet kids (the girls in his class), he's fine and a perfect angel, so I hear. This is kid #2 for me, so I'm not worried about it, much. I hate to see him adopt bad behaviors, but he'll learn, both from his parents and from his teachers (and other kids) what is and is not acceptable. We try to teach him self-defense skills and we talk about right and wrong. he also gets sort of glassy-eyed when we talk about it too much. Interestingly, while we know he's a bright kid, his teacher has specifically mentioned that when he gets a little bored that he is more likely to get in trouble (horse around), so she's trying to (a) keep him challenged and (b)
Hang in there. I promise it's totally normal.
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Permalink Reply by mcglory13 on -
We are right there with you. Terrible parent teacher conference, all of the same problems, they are demanding a psychological evaluation.
I feel about the same way as you, as well. It was pretty well insinuated this was our fault, that we were doing something wrong at home. Except we're not having any major problems at home.
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Permalink Reply by The Oracle on -
Oh yeah, mcg, I was once told by a daycare teacher that the Dragon had severe separation anxiety because we breastfed. Whatthefuckever .
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Permalink Reply by DLBK on -
Right. We all know how bad breastfeeding is for kids!
The Oracle said:Oh yeah, mcg, I was once told by a daycare teacher that the Dragon had severe separation anxiety because we breastfed. Whatthefuckever .
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Permalink Reply by SweetJudyB on -
Another call today- talking about punching another kid, then "bopping" another girl on the playground...I think I'm gonna throw up. It might be normal, but it sucks.
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Permalink Reply by G.G. on -
You're doing the right things and it does suck out loud.
The bright side is that hopefully he'll be through the worse of it so come kindergarten it'll be smooth sailing... when you can have anxiety attacks over sight words instead. ;) Ha! (which is really a dig at myself because I'm freaking the fuck out over El D's first 'report card')
Anyway, we experienced something similar in the start of kindergarten... at first it seemed to be his only defense mechanism... so, I spent a lot of time explaining the walk away and telling method. I figured if El D needs some assistance in resolving an issue he may need some adult intervention. It helped. The teacher realized she needed to pay attention to El D in this manner and is 'working with him' on these types of conflicts. I hope the school is partnering with you on a solution... I even asked his teacher - well, what do you suggest? Or how do you deal with it as it is happening? I can work with my kid allllllll day long outside of school but I need to understand/know what is happening in school so that he can get a consistent message...AND I want to influence what that consistent message is...@mcg - I'm wondering how El D's (2nd) parent teacher conference will go on Thursday. The progress report/report card basically said smart but doesn't play well with others... I smell an only child lecture coming on... ha!
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