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Teaching Stranger Danger
Little Kyron Horman has been missing for a week now. It's sad for any parent to experience this kind of horrible tragedy, hard for any of us parents to even hear these kinds of stories. The community is feeling on edge and so helpless, right now. For starters, we don't know what happened to him. That school is located on a country road backing to the forest, and farm land or estate properties all around. Getting lost, if a child were to wonder off, would be very easy and finding that child would be really hard - even with all of the experts looking.
Also located near the school is a major road that leads from the Western Portland suburbs to Highway 30 which connects the coast to Portland along the Columbia River on the Oregon side. It is a major truck route. Disappearing with a stranger would be easy there, too.
My kids don't go to the same school as Kyron, but it is only about 5 miles from our house. Kids at his school play sports with kids from my kids' school. All of this has lead to a renewed reason to talk stranger danger with the kids. Balancing our need to make them reasonably concerned with the desire to not terrify or traumatize them, is a very fine line to walk.
On Monday, before the kids went to school, I had a talk with them about being aware of who was at their school - telling a teacher if they see anyone, even parents they know, there without a name tag on. We've told them to never go anywhere with somebody they don't know - run away, yell and make noise, get the attention of an adult they know if somebody (even nicely) asks them to go anywhere with them. We've warned them that mom and dad would never have somebody else pick them up. In an emergency they know the one - and only one - person we would send to get them, anyone else even if they know them, is not allowed to take them anywhere even if they are a friend's parent.
We already had safety rules in place in our school district. Everyone has to check in to the office during school hours, and everyone has to wear a name tag. Every parent or volunteer has to be background checked before they are allowed to work with the kids or act as support on a field trip. The kids have a regular bus driver who knows every child and knows when they ride and where they get off. It's always felt very safe in our neighborhood, because it always has been safe.
But let's be real, as a mom, I'm a little more than just concerned about this. I'm worried and sad for Kyron and his family. My heart hurts for those poor kids at his school who are missing him and worried. And as a parent in this area, I'm a little worried for the safety of my own children.
Monday after school, Ro said his teacher talked to them about not going with strangers and making sure everyone has name tags who visits, and not wondering off. That was good to hear. Ri said they're being very heavily watched by adults at recess and not allowed to go too far on the grass field. That's good. On Tuesday, I was working in the office and saw first-hand the extra security. The new lock-down policies that are in place every day until we learn more. I've been dropping the kids off every day just so I can see them physically enter the building. And I know damn well they have a school secretary who would call if they had an unexcused absence, before any of this happened.
Poor Ro has had trouble sleeping. He's worried about Kyron. We see his posters everywhere we go, even on the corner bar in the heart of our little neighborhood. How do you talk to your kids about stranger danger, in age appropriate ways?
Also located near the school is a major road that leads from the Western Portland suburbs to Highway 30 which connects the coast to Portland along the Columbia River on the Oregon side. It is a major truck route. Disappearing with a stranger would be easy there, too.
My kids don't go to the same school as Kyron, but it is only about 5 miles from our house. Kids at his school play sports with kids from my kids' school. All of this has lead to a renewed reason to talk stranger danger with the kids. Balancing our need to make them reasonably concerned with the desire to not terrify or traumatize them, is a very fine line to walk.
On Monday, before the kids went to school, I had a talk with them about being aware of who was at their school - telling a teacher if they see anyone, even parents they know, there without a name tag on. We've told them to never go anywhere with somebody they don't know - run away, yell and make noise, get the attention of an adult they know if somebody (even nicely) asks them to go anywhere with them. We've warned them that mom and dad would never have somebody else pick them up. In an emergency they know the one - and only one - person we would send to get them, anyone else even if they know them, is not allowed to take them anywhere even if they are a friend's parent.
We already had safety rules in place in our school district. Everyone has to check in to the office during school hours, and everyone has to wear a name tag. Every parent or volunteer has to be background checked before they are allowed to work with the kids or act as support on a field trip. The kids have a regular bus driver who knows every child and knows when they ride and where they get off. It's always felt very safe in our neighborhood, because it always has been safe.
But let's be real, as a mom, I'm a little more than just concerned about this. I'm worried and sad for Kyron and his family. My heart hurts for those poor kids at his school who are missing him and worried. And as a parent in this area, I'm a little worried for the safety of my own children.
Monday after school, Ro said his teacher talked to them about not going with strangers and making sure everyone has name tags who visits, and not wondering off. That was good to hear. Ri said they're being very heavily watched by adults at recess and not allowed to go too far on the grass field. That's good. On Tuesday, I was working in the office and saw first-hand the extra security. The new lock-down policies that are in place every day until we learn more. I've been dropping the kids off every day just so I can see them physically enter the building. And I know damn well they have a school secretary who would call if they had an unexcused absence, before any of this happened.
Poor Ro has had trouble sleeping. He's worried about Kyron. We see his posters everywhere we go, even on the corner bar in the heart of our little neighborhood. How do you talk to your kids about stranger danger, in age appropriate ways?
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by TommysMommy on -
This makes me so sad. Maybe I missed this, but I wondered why no one reported him missing during the day if he wasn't in class? From what I recall, the step mom saw him headed to his class but no alarm was raised until after school?
Himself is only 3 but he knows that only Mom, Dad and the grandmas will pick him up from school. My husband's BFF and wife are the "extreme emergency" people and Himself knows that too. We've worked on memorizing his dad's cell phone number so that if he gets lost he can tell the police his full name, the street he lives on and how to contact his dad who ALWAYS has his cell phone. I haven't yet worried about strangers too much because other than preschool he is never out without an adult. But we'll get there soon, I know.
I really hope they find this little guy. Sending you, your family and the community big internet hugs.
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Permalink Reply by StitchyWench on -
The excuse given by the school is that there was an event that morning with many families on campus and they assumed he left after the event with his step mom. I don't get that. This is a small school I don't see why you wouldn't call if nobody specifically called him in or checked out. That makes sense fir after school events but not school day events.
When we have Field Day, the kids check in to class then get to run free in small controlled groups with massive parent and teacher supervision, then they are checked back in to class. I can't imagine people not freaking out if somebody was missing after that.
I can say, I know parents with kids at the school. It seemed like a close knit community school. I also have a friend who's challenging kid went there for Kindergarten. It was such an awfull experience for them, complete with staff/teacher fails on a 1:12 ratio, that she moved her to our school with a 1:22 ratio in first grade.
TommysMommy said:This makes me so sad. Maybe I missed this, but I wondered why no one reported him missing during the day if he wasn't in class? From what I recall, the step mom saw him headed to his class but no alarm was raised until after school? Himself is only 3 but he knows that only Mom, Dad and the grandmas will pick him up from school. My husband's BFF and wife are the "extreme emergency" people and Himself knows that too. We've worked on memorizing his dad's cell phone number so that if he gets lost he can tell the police his full name, the street he lives on and how to contact his dad who ALWAYS has his cell phone. I haven't yet worried about strangers too much because other than preschool he is never out without an adult. But we'll get there soon, I know.
I really hope they find this little guy. Sending you, your family and the community big internet hugs.
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Permalink Reply by Floor Pie on -
This is heartbreaking. Our school has all kinds of safety measures in place, too, but things still slip through the cracks. The Boy (age 5 at the time) cut his gym class one day and joined another class for recess on the playground instead. No one noticed he was missing from gym class and the recess teacher (who was a sub) didn't notice there was a kid who wasn't supposed to be there. I only found out about it because The Boy happily told me all about it when I picked him up at school -- at which point, I marched him back to his classroom (marched!) and had him tell his teacher what he'd done. She took it very seriously, he hasn't pulled anything like that since, but still...why was it so easy for a 5-year-old to disappear at school?
I do talk to him periodically about this stuff, as it comes up. I think we may be due for another talk soon, especially in light of this situation in Portland. One thing I haven't mentioned yet, which I should, is that the local low-lifes who sometimes turn up at neighborhood playgrounds have been known to try to lure the kids with Pokemon cards. (Which pisses me off to no end...)
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Permalink Reply by wookie on -
I think for me the harder thing was explaining why a stranger would "steal" a child. Find age appropriate way for that discussion, let me know.
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Permalink Reply by StitchyWench on
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That is just crazy! I can't believe nobody noticed.
Floor Pie said:This is heartbreaking. Our school has all kinds of safety measures in place, too, but things still slip through the cracks. The Boy (age 5 at the time) cut his gym class one day and joined another class for recess on the playground instead. No one noticed he was missing from gym class and the recess teacher (who was a sub) didn't notice there was a kid who wasn't supposed to be there. I only found out about it because The Boy happily told me all about it when I picked him up at school -- at which point, I marched him back to his classroom (marched!) and had him tell his teacher what he'd done. She took it very seriously, he hasn't pulled anything like that since, but still...why was it so easy for a 5-year-old to disappear at school?
I do talk to him periodically about this stuff, as it comes up. I think we may be due for another talk soon, especially in light of this situation in Portland. One thing I haven't mentioned yet, which I should, is that the local low-lifes who sometimes turn up at neighborhood playgrounds have been known to try to lure the kids with Pokemon cards. (Which pisses me off to no end...)
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Permalink Reply by StitchyWench on
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Yeah, there is no appropriate way and Ro asked almost that exact question. We explained the reason you make noise and never go with them no matter what they say or what lies they tell you is because if you go with them, you may never get back. "Why would anyone want to hurt a child?" - was his exact question.
I think we told him the truth, we don't know and they aren't normal. Something has to be very wrong with somebody to ever want to hurt a child.
wookie said:I think for me the harder thing was explaining why a stranger would "steal" a child. Find age appropriate way for that discussion, let me know.
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Permalink Reply by mightyninjamom on -
I take the approach Elastigirl used in The Incredibles. It's enough to tell them that there are adults out there who don't care if they are children, and will still take advantage of them for their own purposes. There's no way to discuss this without shattering some of your childs faith that the world is inherently a good place.
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Permalink Reply by Floor Pie on
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This is a little off topic, but it's not always a stranger. A boy at our local high school was recently charged with raping a fellow student in a school bathroom. Turns out the kid was already a registered sex offender. You can read the whole f'd up story here.
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Permalink Reply by Mommy Monster on -
I think we've erred on the side of not having enough of these discussions early on. We did eventually, but our kids were older than most. I did drill the name/address/cell phone numbers into them early on, but just found that I couldn't handle the inevitable tough questions about stranger danger.
I keep seeing updates - or non-updates as the case may be - on little Kyron. It just breaks my heart.
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Permalink Reply by StitchyWench on
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That was the part of the conversation that I think really scared Ro. He knew to always run from strangers, but he had never thought of the idea that a friend's family member (or somebody he knows) could be bad.
Floor Pie said:This is a little off topic, but it's not always a stranger. A boy at our local high school was recently charged with raping a fellow student in a school bathroom. Turns out the kid was already a registered sex offender. You can read the whole f'd up story here.
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Permalink Reply by ferret on
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Just wanted to give a quick resource on talking to kids about personal safety....
I believe these resources ( somewhere on that page ) address the fact that it could be a person the child knows already.
I've used the coloring book with my three year old and it seemed age appropriate. The link to that is on the left.
I have also read portions of the e-book Courageous Parents, Confident Kids- and met the author through a book discussion group.
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