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Take My Kids...Please!
Both sets of grandparents are ill-equipped for child rearing. All are over 65 and my mother is disabled to the point where my father cares for her 90% of his waking hours (sad because they are THE. BEST. 'RENTS. EVAR.) My husband has divorced parents. His mother is enjoying her child-free life finally and his father couldn't raise a healthy house plant let alone children. We haven't seen him in years anyways. I am an only child. My husband has a sister, who has told us if something happened to us she would facilitate the boys going into the foster system, "because strangers are better than I am with kids." She speaks the truth.
I have 11 aunts and uncles ranging in ages from 42-70. Some have kids, some don't. They're all wonderful. If something happened to us today, I have no doubt they would band together and find some kind of make-shift solution that would give the boys family and support them. I just don't want to put this all on one person, especially if they are advanced in age. I know this shouldn't matter, but the people we thought might be best equipped just threw their hat in the Bachmann ring this weekend and hold slightly cringeworthy political views.
So does anyone have a will where family doesn't get the kids but friends do? We have some really great friends in Minnesota (like, real Minnesotans--not Bachmannites:)). They told us they would take the older one when he was a baby, but now that we have 2, they said, "Well...try not to die." They live comfortably in about 1300 sq. ft with 2 boys and 2 bedrooms, but I dunno about 4 boys:). Should I ask them seriously? Especially if it comes with a load of money that's enough to buy a new, bigger house? I have no problem leaving them everything. My family would understand and my husband's probably wouldn't know we were dead for years before they bobbed up to ask.
Otherwise, they'll have to be raised by the OS commune. Who wants them? Does anyone here not have *anything* in place and just worries about this constantly?
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Boring User Name on -
We actually have siblings with no kids that want them that are ideal for this situation for us. But, if things were different, I would not hesitate to ask friends. I would actually talk frankly about money with them. Tell them that you (aren't rolling it in now, so they shouldn't try any funny business) have adequate life insurance policies to provide for a bigger house and assist with the increased cost of living should anything happen. Odds have to be pretty small, right?
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Permalink Reply by wookie on -
I have nothing in place and it does freak me out. I'm just not sure how to handle it without being disowned or putting htem with someone who shouldn't be trying to raise kids.
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Permalink Reply by mcglory13 on -
We are blessed with both great friends and several siblings that would make good substitutions for us. At the present, the friends get the kid and the spouse gets financial guardian status. Now that spouse is growing older and pondering settling down, that may revise somewhat. For now, we're ok.
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Permalink Reply by Bigkrygowski on -
Bunny has been pushing for us to get a will together for a while now. I think I am going to try and leave the kids to Bill Gates with Larry Page and Sergey Brin as alternates. In all seriousness now that you bring this up it does raise the question. We both have brothers and sisters but really wouldn't trust them with this kind of responsibility. I would feel kind of weird asking friends because most of ours have a herd of their own and we are not wealthy and I feel this would be a burden on them.
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Permalink Reply by ks on -
I would ask them.
We don't have anything official in place, but we have talked about it. It worries me that we haven't done it, though. Our main problem is that Mr. S and I don't really agree/can't decide on who should get the boys--my mom would take them if we asked, although we probably wouldn't, and we both have a sister who would take them, has offered to take them, *and* who neither of us would have a problem with and deciding whose sister to go with has been a problem (we're the officially designated recipients of the children for both my sister and his, so we can't use reciprocity as our criterion either). Although my sister is who we'll most likely ultimately end up going with because his is British and mine lives here in the US and there would probably be fewer legal issues. There's also the issue of "sharing" the kids between both families, since our two families are very spread out and logistically this would be difficult.
We also both have other sisters who we wouldn't ask to take the kids, for various reasons, and while my other sister knows this and is fine with it (she wants her kids to go to our other sister too and I'm not mad about that either), his other two sisters do/would be horribly offended that we don't "trust" them with our kids, even though we have drastically different values and they don't really want our kids anyway.
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Permalink Reply by TommysMommy on -
Our current state of the world is that my mother would get full custody of the kids and my FIL is executor. It is explicit in our wills that both sides will do their best to ensure the kids spend time with ALL grandparents and families since both sets of grandparents are divorced. There would also be the boatload of money should something terrible happen to both of us. It's what works right now since we are both the oldest and none of our younger siblings are currently in a position to take on 2 kids. Not that they wouldn't but it's just easier for my mom or FIL. As the kids get older, or if the health or situation of one of the grandparents changes, we will definitely look at other options. I know 2 sets of our friends love our kids and would be amazing with them. Again, with the addition of the boatload of money.
I would ask them more formally, and do mention that you have taken care that they wouldn't be financially burdened. Our wills are set up so that everything goes to the other spouse or in trust for any child(ren). It's a terrible thing to have to think about but I sleep so much better at night knowing that my kids will be well taken care of if (God forbid) something happens to us.
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Permalink Reply by mcglory13 on
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Yeah, extensive life insurance helps make fears about financial burdens much smaller.
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Permalink Reply by bethany on -
I'm a lawyer and I advise people that when they don't agree on naming guardians, they should just name different ones. That is what my husband and I did. Unless you and your spouse die in a common disaster, one of you will outlive the other, and the survivor could change his/her will to name a new guardian anyway, so it doesn't matter if you don't agree. Whoever dies first doesn't have much say. That said, I know number of couple who are still stalled in their estate planning because they don't agree about guardians.
Depending on the laws of your state, you should do the will, as some states require that in the event a spouse passes without a will, his/her estate is split between kids and spouse (even bigger unintended consequences in a 2nd marriage or other older kids). This can mean that some liquid assets that surviving spouse needs might end up in trust for kids if that is the default in the state law....worth checking out or just doing a simple will if you don't have all assets jointly titled.
I'd recommend that you name a trustee that is different from the guardian unless you are 100000% sure the guardian won't make choices like buying a new house to accomodate the new family and spending all of the trust money to do so....sounds crazy but it happens...a second set of eyes is helpful.
ks said:I would ask them.
We don't have anything official in place, but we have talked about it. It worries me that we haven't done it, though. Our main problem is that Mr. S and I don't really agree/can't decide on who should get the boys--my mom would take them if we asked, although we probably wouldn't, and we both have a sister who would take them, has offered to take them, *and* who neither of us would have a problem with and deciding whose sister to go with has been a problem (we're the officially designated recipients of the children for both my sister and his, so we can't use reciprocity as our criterion either). Although my sister is who we'll most likely ultimately end up going with because his is British and mine lives here in the US and there would probably be fewer legal issues. There's also the issue of "sharing" the kids between both families, since our two families are very spread out and logistically this would be difficult.
We also both have other sisters who we wouldn't ask to take the kids, for various reasons, and while my other sister knows this and is fine with it (she wants her kids to go to our other sister too and I'm not mad about that either), his other two sisters do/would be horribly offended that we don't "trust" them with our kids, even though we have drastically different values and they don't really want our kids anyway.
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Permalink Reply by Boring User Name on
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Yeah, for us, it was more difficult to find people who we trusted with our money than our kids.
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Permalink Reply by ruth on -
Bizarrely, being divorced makes this less of an issue because I only have to worry about it if my ex dies first. If I kick it, he automatically gets them. But I also wouldn't hesitate to ask friends. I have a friend in a similar situation - only child, no parents living on her side, no appropriate parents on dad's side, who asked her best friend and her husband to be guardians - her kids and the friends kids are besties already, practically cousins. I think the best situation for your kids is what matters, and family isn't just blood-relatives.
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Permalink Reply by hermit crab on -
Great question. We've been very will-centric lately too, since we recently had a family member die intestate and jesus do I not want the bub caught up in that kind of mess. We just picked up forms off the internet. The self-made will might not be the best will, but it's better than no will at all.
Definitely ask the friends seriously, with details about life insurance etc. How awkward if they say no, but better to know and be able to think up another plan, right?
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