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Supporting without getting sucked in to the craziness
I found out this morning that one of my choir members at church has had her 6 month daughter removed by Child and Family Services. Some background:
1) Mom is a single mom and 33 years old
2) Dumped sperm donor when he started selling drugs
3) Has not made the best choices in her life in regards to people (see #2)
4) May have a history of depression/paranoia. Certainly has trust issues
5) Just lost her father after a long battle with cancer
6) Has no family/support system nearby.
I am the kind of person who immediately gives everyone the benefit of the doubt and believes that most people are inherently good and that everyone deserves a chance. I have only known this woman for about 4 months, since she joined the parish and my choir. Her daughter, who she brings with her, is a jolly, happy, well-cared for baby. You know how you can look at some kids and just tell they are cherished?
So here is my dilemma: I want to help this person but am leery of being drawn into it too much especially after being burned last fall by someone I trusted. I do believe that people can reform and change, especially if there is a child involved. But I have only spent a few hours in total with her. She has a court date tomorrow with DCFS and I want to be supportive. But I'm also afraid that I may turn into "the bad guy" if I see the point of the social worker/lawyer that maybe she does need therapy/medication/supervised visitation or whatever. Not that she has said this might happen, but after my experience last fall, I tend to look towards the most negative aspects. And again, I don't know all the facts.
The worst part of all of this is that as a mother, I feel wretched about the baby. Has anyone had any experience with the process of removal/return? I know most of you are 'Mericans but there has got to be some similarities?
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by TommysMommy on -
And this probably should have been a blog post but I wanted as many opinons of it as possible.
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Permalink Reply by Joe Mama on -
It seems like you don't have enough information. Being a single mom who has made bad choices but is working to keep her daughter safe doesn't sound like someone who ends up getting targeted by Child Services unless there is more backstory. That doesn't mean she has done anything wrong - an angry ex could be reporting possible abuse, for example.
Has she asked for more than just sympathy? Would you be comfortable acting as a character witness (active member of church group, observed positive interaction with child, child appears happy and healthy, etc) without claiming to know her outside of that one setting?
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Permalink Reply by Meghan on -
I agree with Joe Mama. I believe in the States that a child is not removed from a home until after an investigation proves abuse/neglect or if there is a serious accusation of either that would still be occurring. Like if the baby was left alone in the house or something.
I have not dealt with removal of a child, but I have dealt with women who were very good at lying for sympathy. My sister is now so good at it that I don't even think she is lying anymore, she has simply changed history in her head. One of my friends is allowing a pregnant niece to stay with her because her parents kicked her out of their home, and she is getting close to kicking her out herself because of the lies.
Just be careful how emotionally involved you get. Although, I am sure there are times when child services removes before fully investigating especially if there are only accusers and the directly accused to interview.
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Permalink Reply by kommishoner on -
I agree with Joe Mama. It sounds like you're looking for a good and kind thing to do for this person, but need to see what the boundaries are and need a little more backstory. Honestly, you can probably be a huge support to this person just by being willing to hear her story and not communicating judgment to her, and not shunning her. That's more than most people are able/willing to do in these situations.
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Permalink Reply by mcglory13 on -
What everyone else has said. I would limit how much you get involved with this because you don't know this person well enough, and hopefully, like they said, child services wouldn't get involved unless they have some cause (which you don't know). And sometimes, people are really, really good at hiding the very bad things they are doing. There was an experience in my life where I thought I knew somebody, and like you would have testified that they were an upstanding citizen and I would have been very, very wrong. I don't think I'm an idiot, but I sure was fooled in that case.
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