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Stress and kids... causing accidents?
My oldest two handle stress very differently (the baby just screams like a maniac). My middle girl, 4, is my drama queen, and can work herself into screaming hysterics from which she has trouble winding down. We've worked hard on the deep breathing and slowly but steadily, she is making progress to being able to self-soothe.
My oldest tends to bottle, but has some pretty predictable physical symptoms that accompany all her stressed out times: constant upset stomach and occasional pant-wetting accidents. She's 7, and still is like this. We try a lot of talking and cuddling, and trying to focus on what we can do to "solve the problem"... in this case making a trip to the bathroom before going out to play, every single time. But she worries me. That's quite old to be having accidents during the day, no matter how occasional. WTF? Does anyone elses kids still have this particular reaction to long-term stress? I'm really worried that she'll encounter this problem again in school and be stigmatized for life.
My oldest tends to bottle, but has some pretty predictable physical symptoms that accompany all her stressed out times: constant upset stomach and occasional pant-wetting accidents. She's 7, and still is like this. We try a lot of talking and cuddling, and trying to focus on what we can do to "solve the problem"... in this case making a trip to the bathroom before going out to play, every single time. But she worries me. That's quite old to be having accidents during the day, no matter how occasional. WTF? Does anyone elses kids still have this particular reaction to long-term stress? I'm really worried that she'll encounter this problem again in school and be stigmatized for life.
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by TeacherJ on -
It is NOT uncommon for first and even second graders to have bathroom accidents.
But it can be embarrassing. Maybe it would help to have her keep some extra clothes at school, just in case. So that it's one less thing she's stressing about.
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Permalink Reply by jenra on -
Gotta cosign TeacherJ here...
Some kids have accidents sometimes. The last time I wet the bed, I think I was in 3rd grade. My kid had a few accidents at school in 2nd grade too. The other kids were awesome about it, thank god. Once when I went to deliver clean clothes a sick 5th grader was in the nurses office where The Boy was waiting for me and this big boy told him that he wet his pants a few times too when he was younger and told ME that kids just have accidents sometimes and it's not their fault. I laughed and said he was a nice guy.
I also recall a conversation in middle school where someone was talking about how weird this one kid was and someone else mentioned that this weird kid had wet his pants in 3rd grade once expecting everyone to laugh about it. Several people spoke out in his defense and the general consensus was that this was not the thing to make fun of, maybe he had a physical or emotional problem causing it and nobody can help that so we shouldn't tease them for it. Kids can be cruel, but with the right training hopefully they can be understanding. I believe in the anti-bullying programs most public schools have been involved with in recent decades.
Also, most of the time they keep a few changes of clothes in the nurses office for emergencies like this. You can send an outfit for your daughter; sometimes they keep them in the office. After that first accident I packed an outfit for The Boy in a gallon sized ziplock in his backpack. When he had an accident after that he just changed into that, his teacher said nobody even noticed.
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Permalink Reply by mightyninjamom on -
wookie - bottled up stress can cause some really strange physical symptoms. I think you are doing exactly the right thing in encouraging her to talk. I never felt safe talking to my parents about anything, and I had a constantly upset stomach all through school. Eventually it got so bad I could not swallow my food anymore and was referred to counseling at my school for anorexia! It got better after I started talking more to the school counselor, but it took years until that happened. I think it's awesome that your daughter feels like she can talk to you.
Later on, I found out in a class for my massage therapy CE's, that in traditional Chinese medicine, repressed feelings often affect the liver and gallbladder. I found this to be very interesting.
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Permalink Reply by CJRW on
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What everyone else said, plus she may need help learning strategies to deal with stress ahead of time, so that she can head off an accident before it happens.
However, as someone who had medical problems and had "accidents" at school all the time, I can assure you that I am now a fully-functional adult... with friends, even!
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Permalink Reply by Piebrothersmomma on -
MNM - do you think massage would be helpful to a child who is holding in a lot of stress? Is it something a parent could do rather than a professional? Pie 1 is similar with stress and two days into the school year (at a new school), he already seems to be a mess. It breaks my heart to see kids having and holding onto this much stress.
mightyninjamom said:wookie - bottled up stress can cause some really strange physical symptoms. I think you are doing exactly the right thing in encouraging her to talk. I never felt safe talking to my parents about anything, and I had a constantly upset stomach all through school. Eventually it got so bad I could not swallow my food anymore and was referred to counseling at my school for anorexia! It got better after I started talking more to the school counselor, but it took years until that happened. I think it's awesome that your daughter feels like she can talk to you.
Later on, I found out in a class for my massage therapy CE's, that in traditional Chinese medicine, repressed feelings often affect the liver and gallbladder. I found this to be very interesting.
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Permalink Reply by wookie on -
pbm: we've tried the visualization / relaxation techniques, but with really minimal success.
I sort of wish she'd talk *more*... but it's hard to listen to some of her fears (that she'll be the only 2nd grader with a nightlight) without dismissing them. I don't know how to reassure her that XY or Z is not going to happen/not a problem without sounding like I'm dismissing them. I feel like I need a course in basic counselling :P
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Permalink Reply by Tea on -
J still has a night light in part because he doesn't like the dark and because he often has a lot of stuff on the florr that would be a tripping hazzard when he is up in the night.
wookie said:pbm: we've tried the visualization / relaxation techniques, but with really minimal success.
I sort of wish she'd talk *more*... but it's hard to listen to some of her fears (that she'll be the only 2nd grader with a nightlight) without dismissing them. I don't know how to reassure her that XY or Z is not going to happen/not a problem without sounding like I'm dismissing them. I feel like I need a course in basic counselling :P
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Permalink Reply by mightyninjamom on
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PBM - I think kids are better off with parents massaging them, rather than strangers. It can be confusing for a kid who may not have the vocabulary for things that make them uncomfortable. You can keep it very simple, and just use a lightly scented lotion to put on him like after a bath when he's more relaxed to begin with. If you've never given him a massage, don't do the whole body, just do his back and rub his shoulders lightly for a few seconds. If he doesn't seem to enjoy it, don't give up, just cut it short, but keep offering the service. It took a couple of years for Little B to like massages, but the Little Miss was into them right away!
wookie - is your daughter a control-type? It might help to work out a plan for if something goes wrong. Like give her something to say should a situation come up. She might feel better about something if she has a back up plan of some sort.
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Permalink Reply by Meghan on -
I read this book before I got pregnant called Parent Effectiveness Training (PET) that says that you should not try to solve your child's problem (or dismiss it). Some of the book sounded good to me and some not so much. I also read How to talk so your child will listen and listen so your child will talk, and it basically said to use active listening. So when your daughter tells you she is afraid she will be the only one in second grade with a night light, just repeat it back. So, you don't think the other kids in second grade will have night lights and you will be the only one. It signifies that you are listening (and not judging) what your child is saying and encourages her to keep talking and hopefully work out for herself an acceptable answer.
The examples in both books of how conversations would play out seemed highly unlikely, but still maybe worth a shot. Also sometimes kids keep coming up with stuff they are worried about, and it gets a little tedious to at least act like you are taking them seriously, but I suppose every now and then would help.
wookie said:pbm: we've tried the visualization / relaxation techniques, but with really minimal success.
I sort of wish she'd talk *more*... but it's hard to listen to some of her fears (that she'll be the only 2nd grader with a nightlight) without dismissing them. I don't know how to reassure her that XY or Z is not going to happen/not a problem without sounding like I'm dismissing them. I feel like I need a course in basic counselling :P
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