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Sneaking around
No, not me, my daughter. Big O, beginning around age 7, has begun to get a little bigger. She eats a very well balanced diet, in appropriate proportions for someone her age, and yet she's continued to get bigger. I chalked it up to less activity, as she's given up even Wii games in favor of books and wants to ride her bike less. We do go out for walks and she runs at recess and takes ballet once a week (and comes out drenched in sweat, her Russian teacher works them HARD), so she's not sedentary, just not as active as she used to be when she was younger. She'll be turning 1o in two weeks.
I asked Hubby if he was giving her extra snacks, and he said no. I keep an eye on our snack level, and nothing seemed to be missing. Occassionally I'll see her with a granola bar without having asked, but she's of an age where I don't expect her to ask for everything she eats, just to eat only when she's hungry and make good choices. About the worst snack we keep is cheese sticks or reduced fat wheat thins. She eats really fast and asks for seconds at dinner, and sometimes I'll let her have some more veggies but usually I say "you've had the right amount of food, drink a little more milk or water" and she's fine. We have dessert maybe 3 times a week, like strawberries or lowfat vanilla yogurt. I don't worry about her getting junk food.
Most days we pack a lunch for her. A sandwich on low-carb bread, two slices of ham or turkey or one bologna, a slice of american cheese, a teeny smear of lowfat mayo, sometimes some lettuce if we have it. I pack a drink of milk, Silk, or apple juice, and two sides, usually a fruit and either carrot sticks or rice cakes or something. If she gets hungry at mid-morning she can eat one of the sides then. The school lunches are actually pretty balanced, but we *always* pack on pizza days. I know she's getting good food while she's out of the house, too.
And yet she continues to grow. Her legs are fine but her belly's getting too big for her shirts, and she looks like she's getting boobs but she's not. She doesn't feel bad about herself, and we never comment on her belly, but her doctor expressed concern over her weight in September. That's when we stopped packing an extra snack and let her choose if she wanted to take a lunch side for snack.
This morning I had a thought to check her lunch account. We get free lunch, but I still can track what she's bought over the last 7 days. Sure enough, she's been getting ice cream from the lunch line on days when we pack for her. There used to be a feature where I could click off her ability to buy a la carte, but that option's not there anymore. I talked with Hubby today, and we're going to see what she buys this week and determine if it's really worth bringing up. Maybe she just got ice cream that one time. If there's a pattern, we need to ask her if she's buying extra items int he lunch line, and if she says yes, we need to talk about not getting extra beond what's in her lunchbag. If she lies, we have a problem. I really don't want to turn off the free lunch, becuase it's saved us several times, but the fact is we really don't *need* it and can get along fine without it. But doing so tells her we don't trust her to make the right choices herself. Our main concern is her health, not her looks. She's got diabetes and heart disease as her two major genetic risk factors.
Any suggestions on how to tactfully broach this is she tries to hide her snacking? She's quite sensitive to anything that can possibly be perceived as criticism.
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by mightyninjamom on -
The daughter of the director of our school just went through this. A couple of years ago, I noticed her looking a bit on the chubby side. Whatever happened, happened over the summer because in the fall when we got back to school, she had really trimmed down. But she was noticeably taller, too. She is in middle school right now, so it could be that time frame.
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Permalink Reply by Lady Grey on -
Dude, you must have been living in my household for the last couple of years because you perfectly described Girl Grey. To. A. Tee. Wow. Weird. I'm at a loss for what to do, too, and I'm afraid it is becoming an issue and that she is starting to sneak food. We cut her off at many meals (when she wants seconds or sometimes thirds). The girl should not be eating more than I eat is how I view it. She east very healthfully, we let her buy the school cafeteria lunch once per week, but I think she buys chocolate milk occasionally, which is okay, if it's only occasionally. But sometimes she wants to gorge, it seems or she gets possessive about food. I also catch her in the kitchen "putting her dishes away" while she's munching more food out of the pan. Earl Grey and I do not handle this well, but we don't know what to do.
I make her participate in an afterschool running club that only meets for2X/wk for 6 weeks, three times/school year. She says she hates it, but I don't think she always does. But aside from that, PE, and the wii, she doesn't get much more physical activity. She has ALWAYS preferred books, as a baby even, to anything else. My husband and I run and have since she was a toddler so it's not like we're all lazing around the house-we are pretty good role models for her and she had expressed interest in running and kids' races for a lot of time and we let her participate, of course. But now, it's been a couple of years since she has wanted to do so.
She takes piano lessons and sings in a children's chorus that is pretty busy sometimes, with a second opera opportunity coming up this next month. As a family, we cannot let her do another non-school related activity because we just can't manage it time-wise. I hate for her to give up chorus to do a sport and she doesn't really want to. But sometimes I think it would be best for her physically.
So, I'm at a loss. Like HBD described, GG has a belly that sticks out (but pretty much has since she was an infant). She seemed to be completely normal weight-wise until Baby Grey was born and she started packing on weight when we were getting ready to move across the country. I understand she may have been stressed for many reasons then, but, it hasn't gone away. She seems to fluctuate some, but I certainly wouldn't call her a yo-yo.
She turns 9 this weekend (holy cow!!) and she is starting to look like she is developing breast buds, but it just might be chub.
My mom is morbidly obese, so I'm scared to death that I'm going to cause her to become (or rather that she'll blame me if she becomes) a really overweight adult. My mom totally blames her mom for her sneaking food and emotional distress (half of which I think was in her head, but that's another post) and I would hate for that to happen to my daughter. Earl Grey and I are not big people (height or weight) and although my weight fluctuates by 5 lbs seasonally, I don't think it's a real issue. EG is trim. So although I totally get that body types vary a lot from person to person (and I'm not a small-boned person), if she ever became obese, that would be really awful and abnormal.
We often feel like we're scarring the shit out of her for many things and this is just one more. Baby Grey is <3 percentile for height and also for weight, so we have different issues there.
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Permalink Reply by Kiwi on -
I completely cosign everything that Kommish said.
Additionally I'd strongly recommend Dr. Linda Bacon's book Healthy At Every Size.
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Permalink Reply by Herasmus B. Dragon on
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Sooo.... She definitely has been sneaking around.
I checked the purchase report (which doesn't show today), which covers last Wed, Thu, Fri, and Mon. We packed for her on Wed, Fri, and Mon. She bought a lunch every one of those days, plus a breakfast on Friday. So she ate two lunchs three times, and two breakfasts once.
Holy cow.
Hubby and I had a brief talk via phone, and we're either going to stop packing for her, or remove her from the free lunch roster. Either way, she'll only have access to one lunch a day. But whichever we decide to do, we have to get to the root of the problem: Why is she feeling the need to eat so much? Is someone taking her packed lunch? Is she feeling insatiably hungry and we need to talk to the doctor? Is she really upset about something and eating makes her feel better? Is she just so in love with food that she's eating as much as possible because it tastes good?
I feel really bad about this. I don't know how to broach this with her, because she's extremely sensitive and has inherited Daddy's sense of constant persecution. I need some help to come up with the right words.
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Permalink Reply by TommysMommy on -
I think you have a lot of the right words right there. It's getting to the root of the problem, figuring out why this is happening. Is someone stealing her food? Is she hungry all the time? There's also the discussion of healthy eating if she's still hungry. And the finances as well. As someone else commented previously, she could be right on the edge of the growth spurt/puberty and it could be doing her in. But there are better ways of handling that.
Personally, I would take her off the lunch roster. I find that if I don't have the safety net, then I *have* to make my kid lunch, and would put extra healthy snacks in, fruit/veggies/cheese for extra protein. It's not controlling food, it's managing food. Cause food can really do you in. I LOVE to eat but I'd be 300 lbs if I let myself eat whenever I *wanted* to.
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Permalink Reply by StitchyWench on -
I don't know if I can stress to you enough how greatly I encourage you to NOT say a thing. Nothing she is doing sounds unhealthy to me. Many per-pubescent girls get a little pudgy before they sprout their womanly curves. That you care to take spend so much time and thought in what she consumes (and make sure that it is healthy) is enough of a positive model. If you talk to young girls about limiting they just cannot comprehend what you are saying. All they hear is, "I'm fat and I have to watch what I eat."
We've dealt with SERIOUS eating disorder issues this year. My daughter was accused (and I don't misuse that word here) by her counselor at fn school of having bulimia. It appears there is a serious eating disorder problem with the dance program at her public arts school, and as a result, my naturally very thin daughter who openly consumes food at school was under suspicion by her dance teacher. We did not know this happened for MONTHS. The teacher went to the counselor, the counselor went to my daughter and directly told her that she looks skinnier as a 13 year old than she did as an 11 year old girl. My daughter heard, "Your dance teacher at school thinks you are a fucking freak who looks disgusting, therefore you must be doing something horrible to your body."
My daughter, for months, kept this to herself. She cried frequently, constantly talked about herself as a, "hideous freak whom nobody will ever love" and we didn't know what the hell was going on. Girls struggle with messages from each other, messages from the world around them, and in dance, messages from some people you have to keep completely out of their life.
It's time we tell our girls, you are normal, you are healthy, you are beautiful. You can encourage positive behavior without making her feel like she is in trouble for wanting ice cream. Sometimes, we just want ice cream. That is OK! If her doctor is still concerned when she is 13, then you might want to consider a broader discussion on what she eats. But you are doing a fantastic job! You are providing her with healthy options and it sounds like she is successful in choosing those the majority of the time. Don't let some ridiculous idea of what a girl her age should look like shape your behavior. You are an awesome mom! Don't doubt yourself.
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Permalink Reply by StitchyWench on
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As for double lunches, these kids get like 15 minutes to consume their lunch. It's possible she just hates your packed food and dumps most (if not all of it) in favor of school lunch. I know my son has done that many times. Sandwiches get boring.
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Permalink Reply by wookie on -
Maybe just start asking questions... "I noticed you've been taking lunch and buying lunch... are you that hungry or are you just not liking the stuff we pack?" ((Honestly, I'd be more miffed about the possibility of food going to waste))
Maybe the middle ground is to pack a snack and let her get lunch at school.
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I've spent the last half hour emailing back and forth with Hubby and my mom. I think we're going to not say anything for now, stop packing, and see what happens. We all decided her sensitivity was not worth taking a hit. The school lunches are not as good as what we pack, but it's pretty good, and it's a lot more variety. We'll say that we're giving her another step in responsibility as she grows up, to choose what's best for her out of what's laid out in front of her. I'll monitor quietly, but at least we'll know she's not getting two lunches.
Stitchy, I'm so sorry that she had to go through that and that she felt the need to keep it to herself! She is such a beautiful girl even at 13 (seriously, she does not look 13!).
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Permalink Reply by Kiwi on
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StitchyWench said:
Don't let some ridiculous idea of what a girl her age should look like shape your behavior. You are an awesome mom! Don't doubt yourself.
I want to give you a fist bump, two high fives, and a chest bump for this.
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Permalink Reply by StitchyWench on
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I'm so glad to hear it. I think that is a fabulous solution!
And thanks HBD. We have it set up now that she will leave that school at the end of the year (we didn't want to disrupt her completely in the middle of the school year), that counselor is never allowed to have contact with her again without myself or my husband present (which should never be an issue because she is an awesomely good kid), and we had her removed from the dance program at school. She is so relieved! She has a healthy wonderful dance experience outside of school, and we don't want this horrible program shaping her in any way.
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Permalink Reply by StitchyWench on
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Kiwi said:StitchyWench said:
Don't let some ridiculous idea of what a girl her age should look like shape your behavior. You are an awesome mom! Don't doubt yourself.
I want to give you a fist bump, two high fives, and a chest bump for this.
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