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Sneaking around
No, not me, my daughter. Big O, beginning around age 7, has begun to get a little bigger. She eats a very well balanced diet, in appropriate proportions for someone her age, and yet she's continued to get bigger. I chalked it up to less activity, as she's given up even Wii games in favor of books and wants to ride her bike less. We do go out for walks and she runs at recess and takes ballet once a week (and comes out drenched in sweat, her Russian teacher works them HARD), so she's not sedentary, just not as active as she used to be when she was younger. She'll be turning 1o in two weeks.
I asked Hubby if he was giving her extra snacks, and he said no. I keep an eye on our snack level, and nothing seemed to be missing. Occassionally I'll see her with a granola bar without having asked, but she's of an age where I don't expect her to ask for everything she eats, just to eat only when she's hungry and make good choices. About the worst snack we keep is cheese sticks or reduced fat wheat thins. She eats really fast and asks for seconds at dinner, and sometimes I'll let her have some more veggies but usually I say "you've had the right amount of food, drink a little more milk or water" and she's fine. We have dessert maybe 3 times a week, like strawberries or lowfat vanilla yogurt. I don't worry about her getting junk food.
Most days we pack a lunch for her. A sandwich on low-carb bread, two slices of ham or turkey or one bologna, a slice of american cheese, a teeny smear of lowfat mayo, sometimes some lettuce if we have it. I pack a drink of milk, Silk, or apple juice, and two sides, usually a fruit and either carrot sticks or rice cakes or something. If she gets hungry at mid-morning she can eat one of the sides then. The school lunches are actually pretty balanced, but we *always* pack on pizza days. I know she's getting good food while she's out of the house, too.
And yet she continues to grow. Her legs are fine but her belly's getting too big for her shirts, and she looks like she's getting boobs but she's not. She doesn't feel bad about herself, and we never comment on her belly, but her doctor expressed concern over her weight in September. That's when we stopped packing an extra snack and let her choose if she wanted to take a lunch side for snack.
This morning I had a thought to check her lunch account. We get free lunch, but I still can track what she's bought over the last 7 days. Sure enough, she's been getting ice cream from the lunch line on days when we pack for her. There used to be a feature where I could click off her ability to buy a la carte, but that option's not there anymore. I talked with Hubby today, and we're going to see what she buys this week and determine if it's really worth bringing up. Maybe she just got ice cream that one time. If there's a pattern, we need to ask her if she's buying extra items int he lunch line, and if she says yes, we need to talk about not getting extra beond what's in her lunchbag. If she lies, we have a problem. I really don't want to turn off the free lunch, becuase it's saved us several times, but the fact is we really don't *need* it and can get along fine without it. But doing so tells her we don't trust her to make the right choices herself. Our main concern is her health, not her looks. She's got diabetes and heart disease as her two major genetic risk factors.
Any suggestions on how to tactfully broach this is she tries to hide her snacking? She's quite sensitive to anything that can possibly be perceived as criticism.
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by TommysMommy on -
While I understand where you are coming from, I have serious concerns about not talking about it at all.
I had a friend in middle school who was a ballet dancer and bulimic. We all knew it. The teachers knew it. Her parents (who were ASSHOLES) knew it. NO ONE said or did anything (aside from us, but at 13 what could we really do?) What she took out of that was that no one cared enough about her to make her stop hurting herself and no matter how hard she tried to *look* right, it wasn't enough. It wasn't until high school 2 years later that our principal (who was an amazing person) got her into treatment and out of her parents' custody. She's better now but her health has never really recovered.
So while I think that the counselor totally could have handled the situation better (ie let's talk this over with your parents) and she should never have felt that way, I'm kind of glad someone was looking out for it.
HBD - you know your daughter best. If you think the responsibility of managing her own lunch will improve the situation, you are right! And the fact that you are aware and watching says more about the attention and care you give your daughters.
StitchyWench said:I don't know if I can stress to you enough how greatly I encourage you to NOT say a thing. Nothing she is doing sounds unhealthy to me. Many per-pubescent girls get a little pudgy before they sprout their womanly curves. That you care to take spend so much time and thought in what she consumes (and make sure that it is healthy) is enough of a positive model. If you talk to young girls about limiting they just cannot comprehend what you are saying. All they hear is, "I'm fat and I have to watch what I eat."
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Permalink Reply by Joe Mama on -
HBD - what about asking her if there is something from her packed lunch that she would still like? Less either /or and still giving her access to the healthy food you have been sending if she is actually going to eat it. I agree with SW that keeping it open without judgement is absolutely the right thing, but sneaking food sounds like she is already judging herself. Keeping it open without anger could be a relief to O.
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Permalink Reply by TommysMommy on
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Oh and SW - based on your further comments, that counselor should be fired. That's terrible.
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Permalink Reply by Herasmus B. Dragon on
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I think that's where the packed snack can come in. She does like yogurt and apples and other things that aren't always available in the lunch line. Heck, I can even have her pack her own snack the night before! Just IMAGINE all the free time we're going to have!
Joe Mama said:HBD - what about asking her if there is something from her packed lunch that she would still like? Less either /or and still giving her access to the healthy food you have been sending if she is actually going to eat it. I agree with SW that keeping it open without judgement is absolutely the right thing, but sneaking food sounds like she is already judging herself. Keeping it open without anger could be a relief to O.
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Ooh, Hubby just brought up a thought. What if she's buying lunches for a friend? She is exactly the type of helpful, empathetic sort who would do that.
Anyway, I'll give an update tomorrow after we give her ths new option tonight.
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Permalink Reply by JTX on -
Thanks to HBD for posting this and to everyone for their thoughtful responses. As a sneak eater, I can tell you that you're doing the right thing by thinking about things from the health standpoint.
A couple suggestions:
- I agree with Kommish. Don't limit Big O to having no treats at all -- it only makes things worse. Give her control over a mutually-agreed upon thing. Make sure she doesn't feel pressured to get the treats at school. You're better off letting her have it when & where you are comfortable with it. You can say that the sugar and etc. during the school day is counterproductive for her studies, and that the family will have treat on X nights. (We do Fridays & Saturdays here.) Then, make it a small but GOOD treat. I let my kids trade off picking what it will be.
- Even though O is exercising at school and with ballet, add more movement to her downtime if you can. We tell our kids that Wii Fit or anything like dancing (MJ Experience is big with my two youngest) doesn't count toward any screen time limitations the way regular video games might. I encourage them to do this, ride bikes, etc. every day if they can. The Wii is really helpful during the winter.
- Ask O's doctor to check her thyroid, if s/he hasn't already. You should have a baseline on her from as early an age as possible. We didn't catch my underacting thyroid until my 20s -- and it turned out I should have had growth hormones in my preteens, because I never achieved my full height. It is a problem for me, and we're watching my kids closely (especially my middle son, who is hypotonic and tends toward the chunky).
- Don't panic unless this turns out to be an often-repeated situation. It may be a growth spurt thing, a dealing-with-changes thing, etc. But keeping an eye on it in case there are patterns is smart.
- Finally, if O has any emotional/behavioral disabilities, talk to her doc about this as a function of impulsivity. My eldest is a total sneak eater -- we used to find old, used dishes under his bed! Ewww! Turned out that when his ADHD was poorly controlled, he literally couldn't stop himself. When he's properly medicated, he can control himself better and talk to me when he's craving stuff. Then we can provide him other options.
Good luck with all of this!!!
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Permalink Reply by Boring User Name on -
Hey, so I think the advice offered here is very thorough. I had one thought from a week ago that I wanted to pass along. I note that IANAN (nutritionist), but you may want to add more healthy fats to the diet, instead of mostly offering low-fat versions of food. Without fat, you can always feel hungry (at least I do). So, perhaps try adding some nuts to the list of foods that you have around the house as snacks. (Cheapest purchased in bulk or "pieces" form.) Or do things like add flaxseed to oatmeal or smoothies in the morning or avocado to sandwiches.
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Permalink Reply by Floor Pie on -
Me three. SW, thank you for saying that. This is a good discussion, but it was totally stirring up my old adolescent food/body image issues in a most uncomfortable way. Thanks for the reality check.
Kiwi said:StitchyWench said:
Don't let some ridiculous idea of what a girl her age should look like shape your behavior. You are an awesome mom! Don't doubt yourself.
I want to give you a fist bump, two high fives, and a chest bump for this.
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So I offered her to switch to buying only, and she threw me for a loop. She says, without stopping to think, that she likes my lunches and wants me to pack twice a week, and she'll buy the other three. Now what?!?
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well, yes!
But I got no answers or hints of problems or even an acknowledgement of extra food. I even asked if she'd ever bought breakfast and she was confused. My mom (a teacher at her school) is wondering if there might be a system error somewhere because on Fri, when she supposedly bought the breakfast, she was in Mom's room until the bell. She would have had to sprint into the buikding from the trailer (against traffic), buy and wolf down a cinnamon roll and milk, and make it upstairs to her own room in less than 3 minutes. I emailed her teacher to ask if he's ever let her go after she'sfirst arrived.
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Permalink Reply by Joe Mama on
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Many schools just have the kids punch in a number. The check-out person is supposed to confirm that the name on the account matches the child, but if it is a free meal they might not bother to check. Could another child be using her number?
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