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Sneaking around
No, not me, my daughter. Big O, beginning around age 7, has begun to get a little bigger. She eats a very well balanced diet, in appropriate proportions for someone her age, and yet she's continued to get bigger. I chalked it up to less activity, as she's given up even Wii games in favor of books and wants to ride her bike less. We do go out for walks and she runs at recess and takes ballet once a week (and comes out drenched in sweat, her Russian teacher works them HARD), so she's not sedentary, just not as active as she used to be when she was younger. She'll be turning 1o in two weeks.
I asked Hubby if he was giving her extra snacks, and he said no. I keep an eye on our snack level, and nothing seemed to be missing. Occassionally I'll see her with a granola bar without having asked, but she's of an age where I don't expect her to ask for everything she eats, just to eat only when she's hungry and make good choices. About the worst snack we keep is cheese sticks or reduced fat wheat thins. She eats really fast and asks for seconds at dinner, and sometimes I'll let her have some more veggies but usually I say "you've had the right amount of food, drink a little more milk or water" and she's fine. We have dessert maybe 3 times a week, like strawberries or lowfat vanilla yogurt. I don't worry about her getting junk food.
Most days we pack a lunch for her. A sandwich on low-carb bread, two slices of ham or turkey or one bologna, a slice of american cheese, a teeny smear of lowfat mayo, sometimes some lettuce if we have it. I pack a drink of milk, Silk, or apple juice, and two sides, usually a fruit and either carrot sticks or rice cakes or something. If she gets hungry at mid-morning she can eat one of the sides then. The school lunches are actually pretty balanced, but we *always* pack on pizza days. I know she's getting good food while she's out of the house, too.
And yet she continues to grow. Her legs are fine but her belly's getting too big for her shirts, and she looks like she's getting boobs but she's not. She doesn't feel bad about herself, and we never comment on her belly, but her doctor expressed concern over her weight in September. That's when we stopped packing an extra snack and let her choose if she wanted to take a lunch side for snack.
This morning I had a thought to check her lunch account. We get free lunch, but I still can track what she's bought over the last 7 days. Sure enough, she's been getting ice cream from the lunch line on days when we pack for her. There used to be a feature where I could click off her ability to buy a la carte, but that option's not there anymore. I talked with Hubby today, and we're going to see what she buys this week and determine if it's really worth bringing up. Maybe she just got ice cream that one time. If there's a pattern, we need to ask her if she's buying extra items int he lunch line, and if she says yes, we need to talk about not getting extra beond what's in her lunchbag. If she lies, we have a problem. I really don't want to turn off the free lunch, becuase it's saved us several times, but the fact is we really don't *need* it and can get along fine without it. But doing so tells her we don't trust her to make the right choices herself. Our main concern is her health, not her looks. She's got diabetes and heart disease as her two major genetic risk factors.
Any suggestions on how to tactfully broach this is she tries to hide her snacking? She's quite sensitive to anything that can possibly be perceived as criticism.
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Herasmus B. Dragon on
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Note that we have always talked about our larger size in terms of health and not looks. She's been educated in the nutrition science of whole foods vs processed foods, and why "sometimes foods" should be just that. We don't think junk food is evil, sometimes even McDonald's is necessary, but we all recognize how horrible we feel after a fast food meal, even the kids. She's seen Hubby's struggles to better his own health, and shared in his triumphs as his blood sugar levels and A1C tests have come down to the consistently normal range. She knows that we want both our daughters to not have to struggle like this, to have more energy than me, and not have sick hearts. If I had more time we'd be on walks and bike rides and camping and all sorts of outdoorsy things every day. Keeping the girls a healthy size is going to have to hinge on eating right for the amount of excersize they currently get.
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Permalink Reply by Joe Mama on -
Has she been growing taller in the last few months? Most kids seem to go through a up/out/up cycle in the 3rd - 6th grade years that could be hard for her doctor to spot in yearly visits. While I agree that keeping everything above board is key, one or two treats each week seems unlikely to have a huge impact on her overall health.
I've had some bad experiences with doctors jumping to a conclusion from a single data point ("oh, his head isn't really growing, we might have to do surgery." - not the best thing to tell a new mom with a careless, oh-by-the-way attitude. "oh, your estrogen is low, you'll never get pregnant without treatments - come back when you get tired of trying." - after one blood sample), so trust your instincts!
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Permalink Reply by kommishoner on -
So, while recognizing the health risks you've mentioned, I think it's possible that given the body type of you and Hubby, she might just be a bigger person, no matter what she eats, and may still be really healthy. It sounds like you're doing all the right stuff to keep her healthy, but it doesn't sound to me like cutting back on what seems like already suuuuper healthy food (I mean seriously, I'm impressed, and I was raised by obsessively healthy people) is going to do anything other than reduce her calorie intake, which she needs since she's still growing. In fact, it may be that she's doing things like buying ice cream because her food *is* so healthy - sort of a want-what-you-can't-have situation. I wonder if, rather than cut back on the fruits/veggies you pack her as a side, you might keep her more on board with the healthy eating, and set her up better with success with it, if you actually acknowledge that she wants ice cream sometimes (most people do) and tell her she can choose to buy one for herself once or twice a week, on days she chooses. That way she's still eating super healthy, but feels like she has some control over her own choices about when she wants to access the "sometimes foods" that are available at school. And you may avoid the risk of more dangerous binging behavior if she doesn't feel like she's got to sneak around. I dunno, there may be more going on here that I'm not getting, but that's my two cents.
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Permalink Reply by hermit crab on -
Wow, this seems brilliant to me. My mother was pretty controlling of what I ate at home and I absolutely developed into a sneak eater. The idea that you teach her to make choices about things she wants, having a conversation about the meaning of "sometimes food" keeps you on her side as she comes to develop even more opportunities to eat outside the home.
kommishoner said:So, while recognizing the health risks you've mentioned, I think it's possible that given the body type of you and Hubby, she might just be a bigger person, no matter what she eats, and may still be really healthy. It sounds like you're doing all the right stuff to keep her healthy, but it doesn't sound to me like cutting back on what seems like already suuuuper healthy food (I mean seriously, I'm impressed, and I was raised by obsessively healthy people) is going to do anything other than reduce her calorie intake, which she needs since she's still growing. In fact, it may be that she's doing things like buying ice cream because her food *is* so healthy - sort of a want-what-you-can't-have situation. I wonder if, rather than cut back on the fruits/veggies you pack her as a side, you might keep her more on board with the healthy eating, and set her up better with success with it, if you actually acknowledge that she wants ice cream sometimes (most people do) and tell her she can choose to buy one for herself once or twice a week, on days she chooses. That way she's still eating super healthy, but feels like she has some control over her own choices about when she wants to access the "sometimes foods" that are available at school. And you may avoid the risk of more dangerous binging behavior if she doesn't feel like she's got to sneak around. I dunno, there may be more going on here that I'm not getting, but that's my two cents.
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Kommish, that absolutely makes sense, giving her the choice of one or two days a week to buy ice cream.
This is why I wanted to see what goes on this week before we talk with her. If it really is just an every-so-often thing, I'm not even going to bring it up to her. That would do no good. I really don't want to be a controller.
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Permalink Reply by ks on -
And I'll second everything that Kommish said.
My mom was also pretty controlling of what we ate and I also became a sneak eater. That has been a *really* hard habit to break and I still struggle with it now. And it is why I do pretty much everything I can to mediate between Mr. S (who also has that control freak tendency and does NOT appreciate when it is pointed out to him) and the boys, so that they don't develop the same bad habits that I did.
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Permalink Reply by mightyninjamom on -
I think her eating sounds fine - the ice cream she's getting is probably the standard serving size, so that may not be the culprit unless she's eating more than one at a time. The only difference between the lunches we pack for our kids, is that mine only take water. I agree with kommishoner, that she may just be bigger and healthy.
The exercise thing is tricky as well - what's appropriate for kids their age, and what constitutes 'exercise'. Unless she's running a mile at recess, she may not be getting in enough activity then. Although her ballet class sounds tough!
I wonder if she is having a lull in growth right now? Is is possible that she's getting ready to have a major growth spurt?
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I know that girls may sometimes fill out a bit before puberty, and I'm hoping that's all this is. I don't have much of a frame of reference because until high school, I was a skinny muscular kid who spent every waking moment outside on my bike.
So, I guess I need to say this. "Hi, my name is HBD, and I'm a food controller. I may have good reasons but I'm going to ruin my kid if I don't back off. Also, I have great friends."
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Permalink Reply by mcglory13 on -
The food thing is frustrating on either end. We've had several doctors take note that Smudge is very skinny for his age. In fact, we dealt with a fucking failure to thrive diagnosis as a baby that then involved a lot of horrible tests to rule out a lot of horrible diseases. This year's check up was with a new pediatrician and so the weight thing came up again.
I struggle with food controlling issues too, the other way. I'll be honest. We are also really, really healthy eaters, but there are plenty of good fats, proteins, carbs available for him. He just picks at his food. If I could figure out a way to insist he eat more, I would, but I worry about associating foods with battles from my end. I just want him to have the energy to go through the day and to regulate his moods a little better. And, you know, I don't want people to think we're starving him. His father was 5'2" when he graduated from high school and weighed under 100 lbs, and people in my family start off tiny and skinny too... so this shouldn't be a surprise to me. But still, it feels like we're not doing something right.
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Permalink Reply by Andromeda on -
HBD- I immediately thought that she's probably just putting on a little chubs before hitting puberty. I bet as her body changes, it will go to the necessary places. :)
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Permalink Reply by Mommy Monster on -
Wow this is a kick ass thread. Kommish, that is such a brilliant and simple suggestion. I'm finding that I'm not a good influence on my kids since my sometimes foods are far to frequent and Loki is a food controller. We are surely messing them up but good. :\
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Permalink Reply by kommishoner on
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Wow, I'm glad my suggestion was helpful! Yay! HBD, I think it's going to be okay. I agree with JM, too - I've seen doctors jump on weight as a determining factor for health so often, when really it's just one part of many. The life duet has diabetes, high cholesterol, and a huge genetic risk for heart disease, and he regulates his diet really carefully. His mom was a binge eater/emotional overeater, and he's got some of those tendencies, so we've been working really hard on making our diet healthy but manageable, because if he feels like he's on a "diet" he's going to binge himself into an early grave. So I feel your need for control, but can also see in the life duet the success at making little concessions to keep the whole diet on track.
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