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Punishments - What's acceptable?
To make a very long story less long, we were kinda thrown into our upcoming (as in leaving TOMORROW) family vacation. It was supposed to be the husband & I but due to babysitting issues, it's now all 5 of us.
Well, my oldest, he's 11, has been getting in trouble all year. Nothing big, just spending his time grounded from video games, television, ipod etc for doing things like being disruptive in class and getting dhall. Or not turning in homework and lying to us saying he doesn't have any. I chalked it up to being 11 and being a boy.
Well, last week he really lost his mind. He stole (or in his own words "took") a watch from his teacher's lost and found box. He had asked her for it and she told him no. Well, a couple of months later, it still hadn't been claimed and he just helped himself to it. Ofcourse we drilled him about where he found it, and he lied. I mean, outright lied to our faces. Not once, but twice. Finally, after realizing we weren't buying his ridiculous stories of where the watch was found, he confessed. So we made him return it. I mean, that kid is restricted from EVERYTHING. Every single thing he owns. We also increased his chores, which he will continue to do for FREE while he's grounded. Indefinitely. And we made him write a letter apologzing to the teacher. And return the watch. And the school also punished him by giving him ISS for two days.
Well, today, about 20 mintues ago actually, I get a call from the Principal. Guess what? My kid is back in ISS for being disruptive in class and goofing off after the teacher warned him 3 times.
So now what is left? I can't take anything away, well except leaving to go on vacation with us tomorrow. That's what I want to do. I feel like that would make a HUGE impact. But, I'm just not convinced it's right. Should I cancel the trip for all of us? Bring him along even though I'm resenting it thinking he doesn't deserve the privilage? Is a vacation a priviage even?
I seriously need some assistance here. Please convince me to not feel guilty, or explain as to why this is just cruel and convince me it's in everyone's best interest to just bring him. I don't want to make a knee jerk reaction but seriously, our flight is less than 24 hours away!
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Mamawho on
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I agree with Capp. Maybe being away from the normal routine for a few days will allow you to see something you might otherwise not in his behavior or demeanor. But telling him that you don't think he deserves a vacation would be OK, I think. To cancel the trip would really punish everyone else, not to mention the sunk costs.
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Permalink Reply by Boring User Name on -
I also agree. It seems like the time together might actually be an excellent thing.
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But I just want to add, I totally understand your NOT wanting to rewards him with the trip. I'd be in the same boat, if I were you.
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Permalink Reply by MamatothaMax on -
Last night was bowling night and Mo was supposed to do his homework before we went. Well he mucked about from 4 until 6 and Sailor got irritated with that and took away bowling. Now that plum pissed me off because Sailor, myself, and Max really wanted to go to bowling night too. I don't dig on the punishing everyone by taking away something like a trip or a night out. Plus he didn't run this form of punishment by me first.
I agree with Capp, it would be a good opportunity to get to the bottom of the issue.
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Permalink Reply by mightyninjamom on -
Well, I can't really add anything new since I agree with the previous posters. *sigh* Kids are just hard. At least once a week I just look at AlphaGeek and ask, "what made me think I could do this?"
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Permalink Reply by Kiwi on -
Let me start by saying I'm a hard ass. Well now that's out of the way...
I would not at all cancel the vacation for everyone. I'd cancel his airfare and let him spend the vacation cooling his heels at the house with a sitter (or in my case he'd be grounded at Grandma's).
I would make it very clear to him that his behavior is unacceptable and that if he continues he'd loose more and bigger things down the line up to and including his ability to participate in extracurriculars.
We are a products of our children's current school district and you know as well as me that once you're labeled a troublemaker that word spreads and it follows you till you graduate.
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Permalink Reply by RBridwell on -
So true Kiwi! Thanks for the advice everyone, it really helped me see different perspectives.
I so wanted to be a hardass too, but we decided to tread the middle of the road and compromise our options. We decided that while we would allow for him to go on vacation with us, there would be some stipulations. For starters, all his restrictions remain....even on vacation. And no suveniours would be purchased for him. Also, we decided to jump ahead to the extracurricular activies. He's seriously into baseball, and we made him tell his little league coach about all the trouble he's been into lately. He's a leader on the team, and the coach had a dicussion with him about choices and going down the wrong road.
The coach also decided, with our approval, that he'll be running at his next 2 practices and not working out with the team. Any further trouble will result in the same, and if it becomes a pattern he will not particpate any further.
This one little conversation seemed to have more impact on him than anything we've done so far. He was embarrassed that he had to tell his coach, and he seemed remorseful for his actions for the first time.
So, while I kinda feel like I'm giving in, I am relieved to have my entire family with me this week. Besides, the babysitter would have been a grandparent and knowing them as we do, that would have been a reward in itself. Those people never respect our wishes regarding the kids. But that's a whole other post!
Well, we're leaving for the airport now! Watch out DC - here we come!
KiwiBttrflyTy said:Let me start by saying I'm a hard ass. Well now that's out of the way...
I would not at all cancel the vacation for everyone. I'd cancel his airfare and let him spend the vacation cooling his heels at the house with a sitter (or in my case he'd be grounded at Grandma's).
I would make it very clear to him that his behavior is unacceptable and that if he continues he'd loose more and bigger things down the line up to and including his ability to participate in extracurriculars.
We are a products of our children's current school district and you know as well as me that once you're labeled a troublemaker that word spreads and it follows you till you graduate.
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I don't think I could forget being grounded on vacation. I think you made good calls all around.
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Permalink Reply by YoYoWannaBe on -
I don't like the troublemaker label at all. It just makes trouble for people. The troublemaker label will live up to his reputation, and why not enjoy it because people won't trust your recovery.
The death spiral of punishment does not work. You have clearly reached the limits of what punishment can offer. At this point, you seem justifiably terrified at the prospect of his being kicked out of school. If you warn him or push him any further, he may just push back and say "I don't care". He has no stake in further social contribution because he believes everybody hates him. I'm not saying punishments are wrong; just that they have a logical limit.
What will work is more intense supervision, which you have already figured out. After vacation, expert help is needed here. This cannot be solved within your own family.
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Permalink Reply by Joe Mama on -
I think pulling in the coach was a brilliant move! Having students connect with other adults can make a huge difference during these challenging phases.
Something that might help at school is asking if there is a meaningful responsiblity he might be able to take on in a class (feeding animal, watering plant, tracking non-sensitive paperwork etc) - it might create opportunities to reward positive work...
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