An irreverent, inclusive, alternative parenting community
Preschooler frustration
I realize this is probably the worst time to post something about violence and threats, but I wanted to get some feedback on a how my kid sometimes voices his frustration.
E turned 4 in June and he's a healthy, funny, physically active kid. He does get easily frustrated, and usually he'll get pouty or stomp or even throw things. My problem is that sometimes he starts making threats. And sometimes these threats he comes up with are kind of violent. His daycare provider said he had a bad day yesterday and was coming up with a lot of these..."I'm gonna kill you" "I want to blow up the world"...that kind of thing. I don't think he has any problem being empathetic- he recognizes when people are sad, he'd gentle to out pets, but I'm not sure how to react. I don't want to give him too much attention when he does this because I don't want him to do it for attention (he gets plenty of positive reinforcement). I remind him to use nice words, that it's not okay to say those hurtful things etc...
He's starting a preschool program in the fall and now I'm starting to get anxious about how they'll react if/when he says something like this. Any thoughts on how to nip this in the bud? How to respond? What to expect from future teachers?
Replies to This Discussion
-
Permalink Reply by kommishoner on -
I can't tell you how the new preschool or future teachers will react, because I am always surprised by what some teachers ignore and other teachers lose their shit over. When the little man makes threats, though, we say things like "wow, those are really strong words. Do you have really strong feelings right now that you want to tell me about?" under the theory that he's making his threats bigger and bigger so we'll take him seriously, and he lacks the vocab to express himself any other way - so if we hear him on how he's feeling and feed him some non-threats language to use, he won't feel the need to use the threats. On the few occasions he's done it for attention (usually accompanied by some giggling) we tell him that those words scare us because sometimes people mean them, and we know he doesn't but other people might not and might feel scared around him and not want to be his friend, etc. It's an imperfect process.
-
Permalink Reply by mcglory13 on -
First off, I think that's normal. And yeah, what Kommish said, teachers get weird over stuff. Smudge's teacher gets really upset when the kids make fart jokes or whatever, even though that is the height of hilarity at this age.
I think it gets a big reaction, which is the goal. Small kids have no idea why that would upset people because they have no notion of the gravity of such claims. I think what Kommish advises is wise.
-
Permalink Reply by mightyninjamom on -
Yeah, teachers react differently to things. It's really hard to say. If you are concerned, you can always talk to the teacher first, and just tell them that you are working on toning down that type of language
As for dealing with it/nipping it in the bud...that's tricky. You don't want to negate their frustration, but often times their reactions are all out of proportion to the situation. What worked on my kiddos was to take their words literally, and make them think on that for a minute and then see if they change their minds about what words they use. "I want to blow up the house!" "Yeah, but then where are you gonna put your stuff?" "I'm going to kill you!" "But then who's going to make you dinner?"
That kind of thing. A bonus with that, was that it would sometimes get a laugh, which is great for getting rid of excess frustration.
When that failed, I would give them the evil eye and tell them to knock it off, RIGHT NOW. Sometimes outward expressions of frustration and anger are okay, but when you're milking it...not so much. If you're going to act like a brat, you can do it in your room where you won't bother anyone else.
Like kommish said...an imperfect process. I hope you're able to find a method that works!
-
Permalink Reply by DLBK on -
Yesterday my 4-year old threatened to "hit you all over your body" because I said he couldn't play out in the yard unsupervised. I'm working on acknowledging his frustration, which isn't always easy to do when he's so annoying. I also said that I'd put him in time-out if he hit me. That stopped him, thankfully.
I would think acknowledging that his frustrated, then making it clear that his threats are very serious and could scare/upset people would be a good way to start. I read somewhere that making a frustration/anger chart numbered 1-10 similar to the pain charts hospitals use is a good tool. However, the same source suggested putting something like "our house burning down" as number 10, and I don't want to introduce any such ideas. If I could think of what to put at 10, I would make it and try to use it--most of their frustrations are obviously going to be over minor stuff.
-
Permalink Reply by kommishoner on
-
Man, she would pass out cold at the little man's school - right now there's an epidemic of penis and toilet seat jokes. Also pooping on people's heads (the joke, not the actual act, thank heavens). Apparently the recipe for comedy is to insert "penis" in replacement of any word in a sentence. Brings the house down.
mcglory13 said:First off, I think that's normal. And yeah, what Kommish said, teachers get weird over stuff. Smudge's teacher gets really upset when the kids make fart jokes or whatever, even though that is the height of hilarity at this age.
I think it gets a big reaction, which is the goal. Small kids have no idea why that would upset people because they have no notion of the gravity of such claims. I think what Kommish advises is wise.
-
Permalink Reply by mcglory13 on
-
It gets worse when I get phone calls or have to have parent teacher chats about this stuff. I have a hard time caring and/or taking it seriously. Small person and I agreed that I don't give a damn and he can make all the poop jokes he wants at home, but since it upsets his teacher and he gets put into time out, it's probably best he just not do it at school. He seemed to get that.
-
Permalink Reply by Lady Grey on -
Oh, I totally know what you mean, McGlory. One of Baby Grey's teachers was very concerned about his "potty talk" and chose the wrong day to try to talk to me about it--I was in a hurry and I'm sure it's annoying to have a bunch of 4 yr old boys calling each other "bobo heads" (potty talk?), but seriously, I couldn't have cared less about it that day. However, we tried to curtail it at home because Ms. Brett doesn't like that, and with due diligence, it worked.
I go the route of MJM here. I tend to be a bit sarcastic and say things like she does ("well, if you kill me, I can't give you hugs and kisses any more"). If you are really concerned about an anger management issue, I suppose you could find a family counselor for him to see. That's making a mountain out of mole hill, at this point if you ask me.
© 2013 Created by Offsprunger.
Powered by
