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Preschooler crap cont'd
I posted a little while ago about my little man dealing with frustration. It's an ongoing and ever evolving situation, but I feel like I'm starting to get really frazzled by it- feeling very alone. I've been on a book reading mission learning about "spirited", "difficult" and "explosive" children.
This post made me feel a bit better, but I still feel at a loss for the right words/actions when he's in the middle of a tantrum (as always, I come up with the perfect thing to say about 30 minutes later).
Please send survival tips and stories.
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by mightyninjamom on -
Survival tip - They won't be four forever. Repeat. As many times as needed. Oh, and wine.
I'm sorry I don't have anything better...both my kids were fairly mellow at that age. We had issues before and after, though. If "The Happiest Toddler on the Block" was not recommended before, give it a shot. I got it when my son was around 2, and throwing himself on the ground for his tantrums. The advice in there was pretty helpful.
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Permalink Reply by Andromeda on -
You know what I love about this site? You have a problem and the answer is usually (in part anyway) WINE. No judgement, just drink. It will be OK. :)
D was a breeze at 4 but only because 3 was hell. Ro isn't yet 3 but I dread it. I don't have many words of advice, but I do know it eventually calms down and you can get on with things. Ro does throw tantrums but not as bad as other kids. (I thought D had bad tantrums until I saw my niece. Oh Em Gee. I had it easy) So at this point my M.O. is to try to pacify, but usually ignore. I don't like blackmail from anyone, especially not the little ones.
My mom has been known to lock Ro outside when he starts hitting and screaming. It only works a couple of times. It's the surprise that works. Once they expect it, it loses its effectiveness.
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Permalink Reply by kommishoner on -
There are no right words mid-tantrum - it's just emotions coming out, in whatever words happen to be in his head at the moment. I can't remember your previous post exactly, so I can't recall if there are specific triggers or not. If there are not, I think all you can do is manage the flow of emotions and acknowledge them and tell him that you're listening and love him no matter what. If there's hitting/kicking, it's okay to move him somewhere he can be safe - I've also very occassionally used a "bear hug" to immobilize my son if he's being particularly physically hurtful or unsafe. If there are specific triggers, 4 is probably old enough to use calm moments to reflect on how he's feeling and how to manage those emotions before they get so big. But 4 is hard - my son reminds me of how I felt as a teenager sometimes, when I just felt so angry and upset but literally lacked the words to articulate it, so just went into these sort of incoherent impotent rages. It's not a great time, for sure, but just when you think you can't take it for one more minute, they change. :)
And just as an aside, having family members whose son was recently diagnosed with bipolar disorder and depression after approximately 8 years of ragey frustration, it's okay to get him checked out by a professional. And meds, if they help, are okay too. If there's something chemical going on, he may have even less control over his behavior.
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Permalink Reply by mcglory13 on -
A child development expert we saw once once argued that when a kid is having a tantrum they are in their "limbic brain" (the part of the brain that is emotion based). It does no good to reason or argue until they get out of that and can regain rational thinking. That could be a while. What Kommish suggests sounds very true... you ride it out until it's over. There aren't magic words. We've given the small person a list of acceptable alternatives (hitting a pillow, yelling in his room by himself) to damaging things, but he doesn't always make those right choices either. As the brain develops they begin to be able to use the rational brain more of the time, but I don't think it's until 7 or 8.
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Permalink Reply by bap2 on
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We have had a tough year of it as well. And I totally agree with JudyB, sometimes you do feel alone. I feel that amongst families here there is this overwhelming need to whitewash everything. Yes *some* kids do this, some are explosive, some have tantrums, but not MINE of course. I notice that there's even some of that concern trolling and backhanded shit going on the comments section of the original link.
Bah, you are not alone. We've had our share of the f-ing fours here. In fact 3.5 to present has been pretty horrific. Apparently he flipped out on the new nanny today while I was at work, and my husband came home to a hours long tirade over the fact that the mac and cheese just "tastes wrong" and is "in the wrong box."
Again, you are not alone.
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Permalink Reply by wookie on -
My newly minted 4 year old has freaking perfected the passive aggressive. He doesn't flip out and damage things in anger/frustration, but he will pick the oddest things to freak out over, decide he wants you to do for him, yell "I don't love you GO AWAY" immediately followed by "I NEED you!" And the incessant whining ... just some days no matter what you do/have/are it is not the RIGHT thing at that exact moment :P
The refusal to do things for himself is the most concerning as we're about to start school and he'll be expected to zip his own zipper and deal with his own shoes and wipe his own butt. I put my foot down a few months ago that he can and will do these things on his own but I swear I've only bought myself an extra five tantrums a day. He does them. With great protesting and weeping.
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Permalink Reply by The Oracle on -
My best survival tips after YEARS of tantrum intensity that finally abated around age six:
1) Practice finding your own Zen place during a non-tantrum time until you're able to access it quickly at the first sign of a tantrum. Maintaining your own authentic calm is key to not getting pulled in while also not denying the child his/her reality which is, as kommish said, huge emotion with no words to go with it.
2) Realize there is a difference between manipulative tantrum as opposed to meltdown tantrum. Most toddlers don't have the neurology for conscious manipulation (much as it feels to us like they are purposely pushing our buttons). (I know your guy isn't a toddler anymore, but I think it bears mentioning anyway.) Learn to recognize the difference in your own kid, because the response will be different depending on the motivation. For a manipulative tantrum, just keep repeating "no" in whatever form: the child needs boundaries. For a meltdown tantrum, more compassion: the child needs connection and reflection. Make sure everyone is on board with understanding and recognizing the distinction. If they're not, he gets mixed signals and it just adds confusion to an already reactive situation.
3) Keep the child's blood sugar on an even keel, starting with a breakfast that includes plenty of protein and making sure to have protein-rich snacks throughout the day. I think I read the entire library of "sensitive/spirited/challenging child" literature, but it wasn't until I read Little Sugar Addicts that I was able to manage -- not eliminate, but manage -- the meltdowns to any degree at all. Daycare didn't have morning snack so I sent a cheese stick. Afternoon snack was often crackers with no protein so I sent yogurt. They were mostly accommodating.
4) Make sure he/she is getting enough sleep. We can always tell when sleep and/or protein is lacking because the meltdowns come faster and are more intense.
Of course, you might already be doing all these things -- I don't recall the details of your original post either -- and if that's the case then all I can send is hugs and compassion. It's so hard. Most of all, I refused to be embarrassed when it happened in public. People can suck it if they think badly of him or of me.
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Permalink Reply by DLBK on -
My 4-year old's newest insult: "I don't like you! I don't need a mommy! I want to put you in the trash!" This is usually followed by insane crying as I'm walking away from him--I will not stand there and be insulted. Immediately after that he asks for a hug to feel better.
Like others have said, they'll grow out of it eventually--right?!
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Permalink Reply by DonnaKat on -
My 4-year old will slam her bedroom door and say "I want a new family! You're not my mom anymore!" It is truly a relief to see she's not the only one.
DLBK said:My 4-year old's newest insult: "I don't like you! I don't need a mommy! I want to put you in the trash!" This is usually followed by insane crying as I'm walking away from him--I will not stand there and be insulted. Immediately after that he asks for a hug to feel better.
Like others have said, they'll grow out of it eventually--right?!
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Permalink Reply by SweetJudyB on -
Yes, Momba, it was like a light going on over my head when I realized a few of our latest meltdowns were probably blood sugar related. We, too, get a lot of the "You're not my mom" "I'm going to go live by myself" stuff. The book I seemed to connect with the most is The Nurtured Heart Approach. I'm trying to focus on specific positive statements to reinforce what he does right, and try to give no energy to him when he breaks the rules. I think it's starting to sink into his little head. The book also talks about a credit system, but I haven't had the energy to think about setting that up.
Thanks all for the words of wisdom- especially People can suck it if they think badly of him or of me.
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Permalink Reply by mightyninjamom on
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Just to add to Momba's post - I credit the kids' diet with a lot of their mellowness, not necessarily my parenting skills.
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