An irreverent, inclusive, alternative parenting community
Needed: Sage advice for a newly-single mom.
Hi! I've been an inactive member for quite a while but have a feeling I'm going to be spending more and more time with you crazy kids.
I've been a (separated) single mom for seven weeks and 10 hours (not that I'm counting). The divorce should be final around Halloween, but I've already legally changed my name back. My beautiful, sweet, amazing son is 2 years and 9 months old. My asshat non-husband has moved into an apartment (that we totally can't afford) in town while P and I live in the house we bought just 8 months ago, trying to sell it. I am finalizing the separation agreement with my laywer tomorrow, and it will basically become the divorce settlement, so I need to make sure I have everything: child support, spousal support, me continuing on his health insurance for at least a year (this is one area I'm particularly afraid of), our son continuing under his health insurance until he's 18, joint legal custody and primary physical custody. Can anyone think of anything else I'd need?
I'm also concerned about what I should be doing or not be doing for my son's well-being. He seems just as happy as before. He is acting out a little because I basically need to ignore him anytime we have a showing so I can get the house ready. (We've had 9 showings in 3 weeks.) That part is really hard for me to deal with, but there are truly no other options. I stick him in front of Sesame Street and hope for the best. I know it will be the same for when we move, which I hate. But otherwise, I think I'm a much better mother now than I was when I was in a tense and unhappy marriage.
So... do any BTDT moms or dads have any advice for someone just starting out on this roller-coaster? I don't know what I don't know. Thanks. :-)
I've been a (separated) single mom for seven weeks and 10 hours (not that I'm counting). The divorce should be final around Halloween, but I've already legally changed my name back. My beautiful, sweet, amazing son is 2 years and 9 months old. My asshat non-husband has moved into an apartment (that we totally can't afford) in town while P and I live in the house we bought just 8 months ago, trying to sell it. I am finalizing the separation agreement with my laywer tomorrow, and it will basically become the divorce settlement, so I need to make sure I have everything: child support, spousal support, me continuing on his health insurance for at least a year (this is one area I'm particularly afraid of), our son continuing under his health insurance until he's 18, joint legal custody and primary physical custody. Can anyone think of anything else I'd need?
I'm also concerned about what I should be doing or not be doing for my son's well-being. He seems just as happy as before. He is acting out a little because I basically need to ignore him anytime we have a showing so I can get the house ready. (We've had 9 showings in 3 weeks.) That part is really hard for me to deal with, but there are truly no other options. I stick him in front of Sesame Street and hope for the best. I know it will be the same for when we move, which I hate. But otherwise, I think I'm a much better mother now than I was when I was in a tense and unhappy marriage.
So... do any BTDT moms or dads have any advice for someone just starting out on this roller-coaster? I don't know what I don't know. Thanks. :-)
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Mamawho on
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Actually, per the new health regs, he can stay on your husband's insurance, provided he's in school, until he's 26 or so. Don't short yourself, or your son, on that.
I'm sorry you're going through this -even if it's for the best, divorce is a gigantic pain in the ass. And it hurts.
My husband was gone with the military when my daughter was around your son's age. It wasn't easy, but it wasn't as hard on her as I thought it would be. I tried to keep things spontaneous and light, so things were fun when Daddy was gone. I was also in school full time and taking care of my grandmother, so I had my hands full, too. I didn't focus so much on parenting goals and principles while he was gone, and it helped keep me and her sane.
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Permalink Reply by ruth on -
First off, I wouldn't wory too much about your little guy. I think the younger the better where divorce is concerned. It should be relatively easy for him to adjust to a change in routine and he'll soon come to regard it as just the normal way of things. And he'll be ok watching a little extra Sesame Street. Go easy on yourself.
You've covered all the major bases I think. Depending on how much of a dick your ex is being, you may want to spell out the specifics of how holidays are going to be handled, and summer vacation time. My ex was a monumental prick about everything and we had to have every tiny thing spelled out in writing because he was incapable of coming to a compromise with me.
The last thing I can think of is him paying a portion of childcare over and above child support or extra support in lieu of that. And discuss taxes - who claims the baby, if he's entitled to a credit, etc. I have 2 kids so we each claim 1. I don't know how that works with one child.
Hang in there. It DOES get better.
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Permalink Reply by mcglory13 on -
I don't have any advice, but hey-- welcome back and I wish you the best in the upcoming changes. :)
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Permalink Reply by Andromeda on -
no advice really either, but i hope it does get easier for you. ok, maybe a little advice....
i also agree with what ruth said about the custody thing. my husband is a cop and he often has to deal with split up couples having custody battles. if there is nothing in writing that is approved by the court, then whoever has the child usually gets to keep the child if there is a dispute and the law gets called. i also have another friend whose ex was being a dick and tried to tell her she could not have the kids back but when the police got called they told him he had no right to keep the kids because she had a court order giving them back that friday (or whenever). and don't think that just because things are civil now and there is a verbal agreement that things will necessarily stay that way. all sorts of things can happen that can sour an otherwise civil divorce. just get everything in writing and have it approved. you can always tweek things later as they need to be changed.
i say all of this because this is a big thing IMO that my brother is doing wrong. even after my husband spelling out how things can go drastically wrong, my brother is still refusing to get the courts involved on this issue. BIG mistake because i'm pretty sure his ex is mentally unstable and will use their daughter as a weapon in the future. (even though she was the one that left him). she has schizophrenia in her family history (a lot of it apparently) and my brother has moved in with his girlfriend who has 2 older boys. if B does go completely nuts, i could see her claiming one of the boys did something they didn't and then keeping their daughter from coming up to visit my brother. there is a lot to the story but i'm not going to get into any more of it. i guess all i'm trying to say is to protect yourself.
welcome to OS and i do hope you keep us posted. we are always here to listen! don't forget to take care of yourself please!
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Permalink Reply by The Oracle on -
Hey DysLexie! I also don't have any legal-type advice other than what's already been given. But I'll agree with Ruth that the younger the child, the easier it is for him to bounce back. In terms of child development and long-term emotional resilience, the most important thing for P is that he feels he has someone stable and supportive in his life. The second-most important thing for him is that YOU have someone you can lean on and depend on. It doesn't have to be a romantic partner -- a friend, a sibling, a parent, whoever is in your life that you know you can count on. How's your IRL support network?
I'm glad you posted. We're a good group for support, information and advice, solicited or not. :)
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Permalink Reply by Herasmus B. Dragon on
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Do either you or the asshat plan to move out of the area at any time? Might want to plan for arrangements or leave legal wiggle room for new jobs in new locations. If the plan for splitting the house proceeds written down?
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Permalink Reply by DysLexie on -
Thanks for all the support, guys!
I made notes of the things some of you suggested and emailed them to my lawyer to get his take. Thanks.
My IRL support network is pretty strong, especially considering I've lived in 7 different zip codes (and 3 different states) since I got married in 1995. My parents have been AMAZING. (It even makes up for them screwing me up so badly I spent half my junior year in the looney bin.) The first thing my dad did when I told him was lease me a new car so I wouldn't have to drive with P in the 14-year-old Civic I had been stuck with. And they are floating me money (to be paid back out of my inheritance! No pressure!) for the lawyers and moving and crap. And I've made some local friends who I can count on for company, babysitting and general venting-to.
This sucks. But it will be SO much better, soon.
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Permalink Reply by Jeanette on -
No real advice, just take your time with the paperwork and do things right the first time. My daughter was also 2.5 when her dad and I split up, and my situation was much like yours; the house was on the market, and it was very stressful keeping it spotlessly clean and working full time and taking care of a two year old all by myself. *However* I look back at those days with this wonderful crazy nostalgia; it was the turning point right before my life & Elsa's life got a thousand times happier and healthier. I knew I was making the right choice for the two of us, and I summoned up some pretty incredible momma -bear courage and did it. If anyone ever asked me what I was most proud of in my whole life, it would be how I handled that year.
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