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Miscarriage
Warning--if you're newly pregnant, you might want to skip this discussion :-(
I was hoping to put up another one of those "another baby on the way" happy discussion threads, but something kept holding me back. I wanted to wait to see the first ultrasound at 10 weeks. Well, I did, and it brought horrible news. There was no heart beat.
My choices were to wait for the miscarriage to complete on its own--but that could take weeks to happen--or to go for a dilation and extraction, done ASAP. I picked the second choice, as I could not longer deal with all the early pregnancy sickness knowing I wasn't really pregnant anymore.
This all happened two weeks ago and I am now physically totally back to normal. The procedure went very well and I had no side effects and felt recovered within days. Mentally I can't say I'm back to normal, although I'm functioning and trying to deal.
The reason I'm posting this is because I know there are others here who have gone through miscarriages. How did you deal? What made you feel better? Did you tell anyone other than close family? People are asking if we'll be having a second child soon and it seems mean to tell them why the answer is "no" as of right now. They don't mean badly.
I want to let people know so that other women know it didn't just happen to them. Does that make any sense?
I was hoping to put up another one of those "another baby on the way" happy discussion threads, but something kept holding me back. I wanted to wait to see the first ultrasound at 10 weeks. Well, I did, and it brought horrible news. There was no heart beat.
My choices were to wait for the miscarriage to complete on its own--but that could take weeks to happen--or to go for a dilation and extraction, done ASAP. I picked the second choice, as I could not longer deal with all the early pregnancy sickness knowing I wasn't really pregnant anymore.
This all happened two weeks ago and I am now physically totally back to normal. The procedure went very well and I had no side effects and felt recovered within days. Mentally I can't say I'm back to normal, although I'm functioning and trying to deal.
The reason I'm posting this is because I know there are others here who have gone through miscarriages. How did you deal? What made you feel better? Did you tell anyone other than close family? People are asking if we'll be having a second child soon and it seems mean to tell them why the answer is "no" as of right now. They don't mean badly.
I want to let people know so that other women know it didn't just happen to them. Does that make any sense?
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Violet on -
Wanted to add my well wishes and I hope you are getting the time you need to heal emotionally. The loss of a child is always hard, no matter how small they are. Big Hugs!
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Permalink Reply by SweetJudyB on -
I had a 6 week m/c and a 12 week m/c before I became pregnant a third time and that one stuck. The worst part with our second loss was that we had an early scan and saw a heart beat and even got pictures. We were having a housewarming party and decided to let everyone know. Then around 12 weeks I had some spotting and went in, they did another scan and there was no heartbeat and the baby looked to only be about 10 weeks. They gave me pills to insert vaginally, pain killers and sent me home with a jar to collect the baby in so they could run test to see if they could determine a cause. It was painful physically and emotionally, and they never could tell us what the cause was, or if it was a boy or girl. (On an odd side note I feel that all my pregnancies were the same being trying to come through, so I think it was a boy)
Anyway, we went to a wedding a few days later and it took my mind off things for a bit. It was hard for me to hear some other friends announce their pregnancies soon after. I was also mad at my body for not "knowing" the baby had died and had held onto it for almost two weeks.
We received flowers and cards, which I was thankful for (some people would rather not have to grieve publicly). Basically it takes time to heal. And you're under no obligation to discuss your reproductive life with nosy busy-bodies asking when #2 is arriving. Just say "Not right now" and change the subject. I wasn't even sure I was ready to try again a few months later and we kind of just went with the flow and are so lucky to have an amazing happy healthy boy with us today.
Lots of love to you and everyone else out there sharing in this story.
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Permalink Reply by kommishoner on -
I'm so, so sorry, DLBK. I'm thinking of you, and can't imagine how you must be feeling right now. So many internet hugs for you.
I found this essay by one of my favorite authors about parenting an only after a miscarriage. I hope it resonates in some way that is helpful to you. I'm so sorry for your loss.
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Permalink Reply by MamaButterfly on -
I'm sorry for your loss. It must make it hard to have people asking you when your going to have another. I hope you take whatever time and space you need to heal from this, I can't imagine how you must feel.
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Permalink Reply by DLBK on -
Thanks for another helpful essay and for everyone's very kind thoughts. I'm very glad I shared the miserable news with you. Hopefully sometime this year I'll have something a lot happier to share.
kommishoner said:I'm so, so sorry, DLBK. I'm thinking of you, and can't imagine how you must be feeling right now. So many internet hugs for you.
I found this essay by one of my favorite authors about parenting an only after a miscarriage. I hope it resonates in some way that is helpful to you. I'm so sorry for your loss.
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Permalink Reply by bethany on -
DBLK,
I am so sorry for you.
I miscarried at 16 weeks the first time I was pregnant--found out the same way, an ultrasound with no hearbeat.
I told people (and was amazed to learn how many other people had had them), cried a lot, and tried to be positive (I had a baby sized uterine tumor that was the cause, which was ultimately removed and benign.) But it was awful, for a long time and in the strangest ways--like when I saw a baby that would be the same age, or other random things like that--I swear I noticed every pregnant lady and child and felt awful. Putting away the bassinet was the worst.
One thing that made me feel a little better was to create a tangible remembrance of the baby. The hospital gave me an angel bear, which was sweet, but didn't quite cut it. I had my 12 week ultrasound photo made into a christmas ornament. Every year at the holidays, it gets taken out and hung up and we say a little prayer for our first baby that didn't make it. I am sure it sounds silly, but it helps me. Even a few years later, I'm teary just typing this which surprises me because I have a healthy happy 14 month old.
Big hugs and healing thoughts to you.
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Permalink Reply by LeastLikely2Breed on -
I'm very sorry for your loss :(
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Permalink Reply by paperbagshoes on -
I'm so sorry. I had an early loss a few years ago and felt so horribly alone. No one in my family or circle of friends had ever experienced a loss (or they just didn't talk about it if they had), so I really had no one to understand what I was going through at the time. People kept saying horribly hurtful things that I'm sure they felt were comforting. I ended up finding a pregnancy/infant loss support group message board and found a lot of solace in that. It's then that I discovered how common miscarriage really is and that made me feel less like some kind of freak, if that makes any sense - it's not a club you ever want to join, but you're glad there is one when you go through it.
More hugs and internet support.
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Permalink Reply by Boring User Name on -
DLBK, I also just wanted to say that I'm sorry for your loss. I think you are very brave/sweet/something for thinking about other women at your time of loss. I appreciate it you thinking about it. In whtever manner you decide to talk about it, I hope you find the support you need.
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Permalink Reply by Mommagrrl on -
So sorry, DLBK.
I had a miscarriage prior to my first healthy pregnancy in 1999. I was around 8 or 9 weeks pregnant and started spotting. "Fortunately" I completely miscarried and didn't have to undergo a procedure.
How did I deal? I cried a lot. When I went back to work a few days later, I wore dark sunglasses on the Metro so no one could see I was crying. Eventually it got a bit better. Then I found out my dear friend was pregnant and I was awash in misery again. And then I got pregnant with Miles.
My only regret was in telling folks too soon about the pregnancy. I was excited, it was my first. I never even imagined I'd miscarry. The second time around I waited until we saw the baby, heard the heartbeat, and knew for sure that things were on the right track.
As for people asking about your plans for a second child, I think you should say whatever feels right depending on the person. A vague, "we're hopeful that eventually we'll have a second" should suffice. If people press, they are being rude. It's also okay to tell them about the miscarriage if you think they will take it the right way. Some people are shallow and won't handle it well, but most people will be supportive and kind, I think.
Best wishes to you.
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Permalink Reply by kommishoner on
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T-Rex, I'm so sorry you're going through this, and for the second time too. I'm sending you huge internet hugs.
I haven't been through what you're going through, but I can tell you that exercise has been an incredible help to me when I've grieved. I once did four straight hours of yoga because I couldn't think of anything else to do that wouldn't be unbearably emotionally painful - I think my teacher saw something about me that day and offered the second two-hour class gratis.
I'm so sorry.
T-Rex said:Hi, I am late in joining this because I am having my second miscarriage in less than a year right now. Both have been about 12 weeks, both physically painful, like a mini-labor. I was up last night losing literally piles of blood, crying for the physical pain. Having the aching breasts and morning sickness with no promise of a baby was terrible. That's gone now, though.
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