I saw this on MSN and posted a few times on Facebook.
So yeah, I get it bonding isn't instant for every parent. I don't love everything El D does. I even LOATHED certain stages. I even completely dislike some of his habits. But him? I love him. He is a child and deserves my love and understanding... but the author's own judgment of her child makes me all feel all stabby...and I think she's an asshole. A total asshole.
Anyone else? Am I just clutching my pearls? Whatcya think?
If you (general "you," not any you in particular) don't like your kid for whatever reason, fine. No one can make you enjoy the presence of any other person, even if that person is your child. I have no doubt that it's really, really hard to not like your own kid.
But telling her that? To her face? Letting her know for years and years that she disappoints you for not being the person you want her to be? I don't get it. There are a lot of people I really, really don't like, but I still have to be respectful--and that's adults. Children, even the most difficult children, should not know that they're despised, much less by their own mothers.
Well, I don't get how someone could do it. I do know how it feels to be on the recieving end. I am my mother's eternal disappointment. I was born to be the person she always wanted to be and never could be. I am supposed to be skinny, blonde, a cheerleader, popular with all the right people, outgoing, fashionable, and in touch with all the current trends. Instead, I was a geek, a tomboy, and editor/photographer for the school yearbook. I was painfully shy, cried myself to sleep, and hid behind my bangs and big glasses. The rejects rejected me--and so did my mom. It HURTS to know that your mom wanted a kid, but IT WASN'T YOU. She didn't want you. Why won't you just go away, or at least try to be the desired child? I didn't have a diagnosis, so my mom's still trying to fit me to the mold she created for me long before I was born.
I worry, instead, that Moose will grow up to be "the popular guy" who dates a different girl every week and plays football from the time he's in preschool. I worry that I'll have a daughter who's a girly-girl. I worry that I'll have a kid who isn't academically gifted. My husband and I are both pretty intelligent, and while I've volunteered with kids long-term who have trouble in school, I worry I wouldn't be patient enough with a kid who doesn't grasp math or science or basic grammar instinctively. I worry--a lot--that I'll have a kid that is hard for me to love.
So yes, while I understand as well as I possibly can without having gone through it just how much it must suck to not really enjoy being around or claiming your child, I understand even better how it feels to be the one who isn't wanted. It makes me want to pull this author aside and scream at her. Maybe, though, it's just Mom at whom I want to scream. Hooray for displaced anger, right?
People who go into parenting for some sort of payoff are in for disappointment. You daughter is not your American Girl doll. You get what you get and you love that. And boo-hoo she wasn't all spunky and crap. Get over yourself. You set unreasonable expectations that very few children could have met, and then you whine that you didn't get what you wanted? You shouldn't even have a damn cat. I feel sorry for this little girl. At least she has her father who loves her unconditionally. No parent is perfect, no child is perfect -- but not being able to forgive your child because she is who she is (and she sounds like a sweet, quiet child).... that's bordering on narcissism. Or something-ism.
I love both my boys. There are things they do that I don't like. I see one struggle socially and my heart goes out to him, but it makes me love him all the more for having to try that much harder. I get frustrated with them both sometimes.
I have sit at one two many kids sports games where it is clear the parents are measuring their own self-worth as paretns by the performance of their child. The good athletes must have good parents, right? The less than good athletes must have less than good parents. Its really a disgusting spectacle and it starts very young.
She needs to go seek some psychiatric attention or something before she damanges that child.
Ugh, that article was an awful read. I understand that the woman feels bad about her feelings, but WTF?! IMHO, you SHOULD feel bad about those kind of feelings.
She never says that she loves her kid, much less likes her. And she only pursues a diagnosis to justify her feelings. I agree, the article makes me feel "stabby" as well.