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Labor's Not Going So Hot
[Labor story redacted for privacy and because everyone's now doing fabulously.]
I was lucky to have a birth in line with what I hoped for, so I'm hoping some of you that didn't might be willing to give me some reminders of good and not so good things to say. I'm trying to stay away from the whole "hang in there, you get a baby at the end!" because it feels so trivializing of the hell they've been/are in. But I want to be the best and most supportive friend I can be, and I'm realizing it's so hard not to lay my own experience on top of theirs. I think we all know how subtle or unintentional things can be really cutting in the birthing/newborn time.
So if you're willing, help remind me?
I was lucky to have a birth in line with what I hoped for, so I'm hoping some of you that didn't might be willing to give me some reminders of good and not so good things to say. I'm trying to stay away from the whole "hang in there, you get a baby at the end!" because it feels so trivializing of the hell they've been/are in. But I want to be the best and most supportive friend I can be, and I'm realizing it's so hard not to lay my own experience on top of theirs. I think we all know how subtle or unintentional things can be really cutting in the birthing/newborn time.
So if you're willing, help remind me?
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by kanachick on -
Uh yeah...this ain't Canada.
seriously though, I really found the "push present" thing to be nauseating. Maybe I'm just more apt to accept my lot as a woman but if you want to give me a gift for having a baby then clean my damned house. Diamonds are just one more bloody thing I'd have to take care of.
ruth said:Dream on, Oracle.
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Permalink Reply by The Oracle on -
Amen.
kanachick said:Diamonds are just one more bloody thing I'd have to take care of.
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Permalink Reply by kommishoner on -
If I had a diamond I could use it to buy myself a trip to a beach cottage in Mexico. Alone. With just enough left over for margaritas.
Sigh. Or I'd take some paid sick leave. That would be nice too.
kanachick said:Uh yeah...this ain't Canada.
seriously though, I really found the "push present" thing to be nauseating. Maybe I'm just more apt to accept my lot as a woman but if you want to give me a gift for having a baby then clean my damned house. Diamonds are just one more bloody thing I'd have to take care of.
ruth said:Dream on, Oracle.
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Permalink Reply by mcglory13 on -
I own a diamond necklace. My parents made it for me when I finished my doctorate with one of the two stones from my great-grandmother's wedding ring (they used the other to make a necklace for my sister when she finished her doctorate). I love it so, so much for all that it means. Any other diamond, not so interested.
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Permalink Reply by MamatothaMax on -
Amen! Max was an hour start to finish and I thought I was either a) going to die or b) have to parent from jail having killed my nurse. When people wished me a fast labor I wanted to
slap them. No! Thank goodness my doctors agreed with me and we went pretty slowly (for me) and 5 hours later he was born. Slightly more doable.
My labor with Morgan was a standard 16 hour deal and the end was intense but not as much as my fast boys.
The Oracle said:Okay, since we're on the topic, and now that we know kommish's friends and their baby are okay, I'd like to register a related request that the world in general quit it with telling women with short labors how "lucky" we were and how "easy" we had it -- because we didn't -- and just in general making pregnancy, labor, and birth a competitive sport. I don't get that vibe from anyone here, but man is it prevalent in the broader world.
/whiny lecture
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Permalink Reply by Herasmus B. Dragon on
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Short labors can be *very scary* as well. There is less pain overall, but a lot more OhMyGodWhatTheFuckIsHappeningToMe. Ebay was all of 4 1/2 hours, after Big O's 22 hours.
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Permalink Reply by The Oracle on
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I'm not sure there's less pain - I think it's just all compressed into a smaller time frame. I mean, you still have to dilate 10 cm, right? But yeah - with the Dragon (10 hours) I felt like the pain was manageable. With Ducky (1 hour, 9 minutes), I felt like my body was just shattering. I'd much rather have that mid-range labor than super long or super short.
Herasmus B. Dragon said:Short labors can be *very scary* as well. There is less pain overall, but a lot more OhMyGodWhatTheFuckIsHappeningToMe. Ebay was all of 4 1/2 hours, after Big O's 22 hours.
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That's what I meant. Duh to me.
The Oracle said:I'm not sure there's less pain - I think it's just all compressed into a smaller time frame.
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Permalink Reply by Daria on -
Ok, I don't think I've ever told someone they had it lucky. But I had a 36-hour pitocin-induced labor, with much of it in overwhelming pain. I had to have drugs because I couldn't handle the level of pain for what was looking to be another 12 hours of pain at the rate I was progressing (and it turned out to be another 15 hours). So, how am I not supposed to be a little jealous of shorter labors? Or wish mine had been 5 hours? Or put another way, be glad mine was 36 hours instead of 4 days? Isn't that kind of the original point of this thread? Sometimes things do go differently, and perhaps "better" for some people than others? And I think it's ok to say I wish mine had been shorter and then perhaps things would have turned out more like I wanted.
The Oracle said:I'm not sure there's less pain - I think it's just all compressed into a smaller time frame. I mean, you still have to dilate 10 cm, right? But yeah - with the Dragon (10 hours) I felt like the pain was manageable. With Ducky (1 hour, 9 minutes), I felt like my body was just shattering. I'd much rather have that mid-range labor than super long or super short.
Herasmus B. Dragon said:Short labors can be *very scary* as well. There is less pain overall, but a lot more OhMyGodWhatTheFuckIsHappeningToMe. Ebay was all of 4 1/2 hours, after Big O's 22 hours.
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Permalink Reply by The Oracle on
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Oh no -- I didn't mean my comment to imply that you shouldn't wish for what you wish for, or that it's less hellish if it's longer. I'm sorry if it came off that way. I think every labor is its own unique version of hell.
I just get tired of the implication (again, not from folks here) that I'm somehow less woman for having had shorter labors. People think I'm crazy to wish my labors had been longer, and the implication (or blatant statement) that I "didn't suffer" or "had it easy" is pretty invalidating.
Again -- sorry if I made you feel bad.
Daria said:Ok, I don't think I've ever told someone they had it lucky. But I had a 36-hour pitocin-induced labor, with much of it in overwhelming pain. I had to have drugs because I couldn't handle the level of pain for what was looking to be another 12 hours of pain at the rate I was progressing (and it turned out to be another 15 hours). So, how am I not supposed to be a little jealous of shorter labors? Or wish mine had been 5 hours? Or put another way, be glad mine was 36 hours instead of 4 days? Isn't that kind of the original point of this thread? Sometimes things do go differently, and perhaps "better" for some people than others? And I think it's ok to say I wish mine had been shorter and then perhaps things would have turned out more like I wanted.
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Permalink Reply by Daria on
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No worries. I knew you didn't intend it that way, I just wanted to remind the crowd that longer labors aren't always better :-)
The Oracle said:Oh no -- I didn't mean my comment to imply that you shouldn't wish for what you wish for, or that it's less hellish if it's longer. I'm sorry if it came off that way. I think every labor is its own unique version of hell.
Daria said:Ok, I don't think I've ever told someone they had it lucky. But I had a 36-hour pitocin-induced labor, with much of it in overwhelming pain. I had to have drugs because I couldn't handle the level of pain for what was looking to be another 12 hours of pain at the rate I was progressing (and it turned out to be another 15 hours). So, how am I not supposed to be a little jealous of shorter labors? Or wish mine had been 5 hours? Or put another way, be glad mine was 36 hours instead of 4 days? Isn't that kind of the original point of this thread? Sometimes things do go differently, and perhaps "better" for some people than others? And I think it's ok to say I wish mine had been shorter and then perhaps things would have turned out more like I wanted.
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Permalink Reply by wookie on -
I feel like this is turning into a Monty Python sketch.
"You were lucky to give birth in a lake! We had to give birth in a paper bag floating in a septic tank."
Honestly, all I will say about my labour(s) is thank the goddess they are over and that everyone turned out fine.
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