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Labor's Not Going So Hot
[Labor story redacted for privacy and because everyone's now doing fabulously.]
I was lucky to have a birth in line with what I hoped for, so I'm hoping some of you that didn't might be willing to give me some reminders of good and not so good things to say. I'm trying to stay away from the whole "hang in there, you get a baby at the end!" because it feels so trivializing of the hell they've been/are in. But I want to be the best and most supportive friend I can be, and I'm realizing it's so hard not to lay my own experience on top of theirs. I think we all know how subtle or unintentional things can be really cutting in the birthing/newborn time.
So if you're willing, help remind me?
I was lucky to have a birth in line with what I hoped for, so I'm hoping some of you that didn't might be willing to give me some reminders of good and not so good things to say. I'm trying to stay away from the whole "hang in there, you get a baby at the end!" because it feels so trivializing of the hell they've been/are in. But I want to be the best and most supportive friend I can be, and I'm realizing it's so hard not to lay my own experience on top of theirs. I think we all know how subtle or unintentional things can be really cutting in the birthing/newborn time.
So if you're willing, help remind me?
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by mcglory13 on -
Hospital food is horrible. Show up with real food. My friends brought me a bag of goodies from Whole Foods and a vegan coffee cake and I was so, so grateful.
It's hard to know what to say at this point, because you don't know what the outcome will be yet. If the kid ends up in the NICU that's a whole other kettle of fish. I don't know exactly what people said that was helpful, I don't remember anything in particular (other than food and taking care of the animals). I do know a lot about what was unhelpful ("well, at least you got a healthy baby!" was unhelpful for a number of reasons). Maybe my birth story was sufficiently traumatic and horrifying that people were generally sufficiently horrified for me. I also didn't appreciate people going on and on about how awful hospitals are and how only idiots end up with c-sections, but you don't seem likely to talk about that. Oh, I know what really killed me, when people would talk about how the first few minutes after birth are crucial for mother and baby bonding. Well, thanks people. So my kid is not going to love me because we didn't exactly get to bond as he was being fed oxygen and fifteen medical professionals were hovering over him?
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Permalink Reply by Tea on -
I had a friend who whole heartedly believed that she "failed as a mother" because her planned homebirth ended up in the hospital with the baby in NICU. The bottom line was that she had a beautiful baby girl that despite a couple of early rough days is now an amazing young woman. It took her years to see that she was not a failure. The bottom line is that she had a beautiful daughter regardless of how she actually arrived in the world.
My oldest had a birth story that could rival any worst case senario discussed in our prenatal class. I won't go into gory details and scare off any expectant mothers. I went on to have a second son a few years later with his own colourful story about his entrance into the world. My guys were in a hurry to get here.
I have met many mothers who expressed regret about how the birth played out but i always try to refocus on the amazing new little one ready for love not the emotional drama from those around.
I don't know if this helps but I do want you to know that I will keep this family in my thoughts and prayers.
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Permalink Reply by Gumbo Momma on -
I second bringing in real food. They didn't get their home birth, so ask if there's anything comforting from home you can pick up and bring to them. Hospital stays are miserable. I know as soon as both my kids were out I was ready to go home RIGHT THEN. I hated even the usual 2-day stay. I can only imagine that is amplified for them since they weren't planning on being there in the first place. I think the best thing you can do is just to let them know that you are there or can be there if they need anything. Other than real food. That is always a bonus. The hospital where I delivered Mr. C only "fed" me at meal times. So even though the hubs was there for two days he had to get food from an outside source or buy something from the crappy cafeteria. Food can be a very comforting offering. Especially when you can't be at home.
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Permalink Reply by Tea on
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A real mug for tea or coffee was a Godsend. Some real fresh fruit was totally decadent afterwards.
@mcglory I didn't get to hold my first until he was 5 days old and he definately wasn't that healthy at the beginning but we did get to love him and learn about his likes.
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Permalink Reply by mightyninjamom on -
Just be there to listen and support. She will probably end up feeling myriad things depending on the outcome. In the end, if the outcome is positive, that's what you have to try to focus on, not what she thinks she should have, could have or would have done.
Sending you positive thoughts for your friend!
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Permalink Reply by Daria on -
I know that for a friend of mine who ended up an emergency c-section (which was much different than the plan), it was helpful at the appropriate time and place to say, "It's ok to be sad that labor didn't turn out like you wanted. And yes, it's ok to be annoyed at people who think otherwise." I probably said it just that awkwardly and stupid, but she appreciated it and that was all it took to open up some floodgates to emotions.
Speaking of, I'm outta here, I have another email to send a friend on a related note...
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Permalink Reply by TommysMommy on -
I'm with Daria on this one. For Himself, nothing happened the way it was supposed to. We didn't want a home birth, but a nice quiet hospital birth, minimal drugs, happy families yay! Two days of labour, an almost emergency c-section and 3 days in the NICU later, we were all exhausted and confused. It took me a while to let go of the trauma of that experience which was also mixed with the exhilaration of the fact that we both made it through. Four years later and I still tear up at the thought. I'm still surprised my husband was in for a second.
Just be there to listen and support. And tell their families to back off. Not their place to decide how someone else's baby is going to be born and not helpful at this moment.
Sending you and the mom good vibes.
Daria said:I know that for a friend of mine who ended up an emergency c-section (which was much different than the plan), it was helpful at the appropriate time and place to say, "It's ok to be sad that labor didn't turn out like you wanted. And yes, it's ok to be annoyed at people who think otherwise." I probably said it just that awkwardly and stupid, but she appreciated it and that was all it took to open up some floodgates to emotions.
Speaking of, I'm outta here, I have another email to send a friend on a related note...
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Permalink Reply by kommishoner on -
Thanks for all the thoughts, everyone. Sadly, they're in another state, so I can't come by the hospital with food or goodies. I plan to ask if they need another pair of hands for a weekend and possibly fly down. Maybe I'll also look at that awesome thread awhile back about the poor mom who broke her ankle at 35 weeks - there were a lot of great ideas for long distance help there.
Haven't heard anything else, though I imagine they've gotten the baby out somehow by now. Keep the good, happy healthy baby thoughts coming.
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Permalink Reply by kanachick on -
I hope everything turns out fine for your friends.
I have a bunch of other thoughts on birth and on the pressure we put on ourselves to have that "perfect birth" but it's not coming together today and it seems like every other word is bullshit so I'm going to fall back on my "I don't talk about childbirth" stance and leave it at that.
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Permalink Reply by mcglory13 on
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LG, that's really smart. I really, really wish somebody had said something like that to me as well.
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Permalink Reply by Floor Pie on -
How's everybody today, kommish? Have you heard?
These are all good suggestions. I'm not sure what I can add, except to agree that listening and reinforcing whatever narrative they have about the birth is probably the best course. You'll be fine.
Most of the time, I feel like I've moved past the less pleasant aspects of my c-births, and then I'll have a really visceral dream about the experience. (Anyone who says surgical birth is the easy way out has a really bizarre notion of "easy.") Anyway...at the time it made me feel better when people emphasized or let me talk about the parts of the birth that did go the way I'd planned. But I also appreciated it if anyone wanted to listen to the unpleasant parts without rushing me to a positive (or negative) conclusion. So much had happened and it was a lot to sort out. I liked being able to just talk about the experience and sort of ponder it. So, yeah, listening is a wonderful thing you can do for your friends.
Best of luck to them. Keep us posted.
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Permalink Reply by DLBK on -
I've read that women whose births didn't go the way they had planned and hoped are often traumatized; they don't want people pointing out that they have a healthy baby and that should be enough. That minimizes their traumatic experience.
My birth went pretty well and I was happy with the outcome.
I was happy that someone brought me a Starbucks latte in the hospital :-) I was too distracted by the baby and my poor shredded body to want to eat much.
I was unhappy that both my mother and mother-in-law were not supportive of my breastfeeding and kept suggesting formula all the time. They are usually very loving and supportive, but neither breastfed. I wish someone could have made them stop; they only did after weeks, when it was clear that the kid was growing and not starving like they had feared...
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