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Is there a Hallmark card for this?
Soooo, you old-time OS'ers may or may not remember that a while ago I had some friend stuff go down with the Total Drama Twins, which ended in the break-up of a 20+ year friendship.
Basically to make a very long, boring story short for those new to this - I was friends with a set of twins from our early childhood. Well, about five years ago, I opened my big mouth, stuck my foot in it and all hell broke loose. I attempted to apologize, but my apology went unaccepted, so I withdrew my further attempts at reconciliation and mourned the end of the relationship. Mind you, the disagreement only happened with one twin, but I recognized that the other twin would take her sister's side, and I really did not blame her for that. They're twins, after all.
Well, a year ago the twin I did not have the fight with contacted me and said she missed our friendship and could we possibly start over. I debated it for a while and even got advice from my sisters who knew the whole story. It seemed churlish and immature to turn down what appeared to be a genuine offer of friendship and reconciliation. So, Twin #2 and I have been on a pleasant speaking/emailing basis for a while now.
My own boundaries stop at her, though. When she brings up Twin #1, I nod politely and then quickly change the subject.
I can't do that this time. Twin #1 has cancer. Worse, she had a tumor removed from her ovary and apparently no one can tell what type of cancer it is. It has to be sent to a special lab or something. She is facing a total hysterectomy, chemo and gods know what else. I feel truly terrible for her. She isn't a bad person and doesn't deserve something like this.
However, my question is...how the hell do I handle this? I'm no longer her friend. I'm not even welcome in her life. I have offered my full support to Twin#2, without addressing Twin #1. But I'm not sure how long that may be viable. About the only thing in my favor is that I'm down here in the south while they are up north in my old hometown. It makes not going to the hospital to visit a bit more plausible.
What would you do?
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Herasmus B. Dragon on
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I think the best you can do is to offer your support to #2, as she works through the devastating news of her sister's illness. If #1 decides to invite you back into her life because she sees you helping #2, then let it be her decision. I would not use this as the time to try to get back in touch, as it may smack of "you only want to talk to me because you feel sorry for me".
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Permalink Reply by Diggy on -
Wow, that was much better than what I was thinking. I'm going to second this.
Herasmus B. Dragon said:I think the best you can do is to offer your support to #2, as she works through the devastating news of her sister's illness. If #1 decides to invite you back into her life because she sees you helping #2, then let it be her decision. I would not use this as the time to try to get back in touch, as it may smack of "you only want to talk to me because you feel sorry for me".
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Permalink Reply by mcglory13 on -
Yes, I agree. If you are not welcome in her life, don't try to reinsert yourself when she's already going through a lot of stuff. Be there for the twin you are friends with, and then if the sick twin ever asks she can be told, "MNM asks about you often and is worried for you."
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Permalink Reply by MamatothaMax on -
I'll third what HBD said.
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Permalink Reply by mightyninjamom on -
Yeah, HBD that would look really bad, no? I can see just how well that would go down.
I'm actually more worried about being sucked further into this. #1 has made it clear that she wants nothing to do with me. I don't see that changing with the advent of a life threatening disease. I probably should have been more clear - how do you maintain boundaries in this situation? I'm more than willing to support #2, but I'm sure #1 neither wants nor needs it from me. I don't know that #2 recognizes this, and may ask more from me than I'm willing or able to give. In the past I have gotten on an airplane and flown to see #2 when she was having trouble coping with her divorce. I'm really hoping she doesn't ask me to do something similar for #1 in this situation.
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Permalink Reply by Mamawho on
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I say be clear to #2 about the boundaries. Tell her that you are there to be an ear for her, but that you will not intrude on #1. #2 may find that the support she needs is distraction - 20 minutes on the phone talking about anything *but* her sister. You can do that.
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Permalink Reply by Mommy Monster on -
I guess I'm the lone voice of dissent (so far anyway). I think something life-altering like this may make #1 re-think things in her life. And while I agree it may not be the time to try and restart the friendship, I would think a simple card that says "I heard what is happening and just want you to know I'm sorry you're going through this and send you good wishes" wouldn't be inappropriate.
I do agree with the others about being clear with #2. Just let her know that you don't think #1 needs or even wants your active involvement, but you will be there for her (#2) to provide support.
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Permalink Reply by StitchyWench on -
I'm 100% with you in dissent Mommy Monster. As you may know, I just lost my step-dad to cancer on January 19th. One thing interesting that happens with a life-threatening illness is that people you've touched in your life come out of the wood-work to make a point of letting you know how they really feel. While that can be difficult and feel a little self-serving to those taking the step to make amends, it isn't often received that way if you approach the situation from a place of earnest and sincere love and appreciation for what your relationship once meant to you or what the family is going through today. Cancer isn't just difficult for the patient, it is difficult for the whole family.
Often I think we decide for ourselves and others what we think they would like from us - but we never know what they want if we don't ask. It is not out-of-line to write or say to her, something along the lines of: I know I hurt you in the past, but I've never stopped caring about you and #2. I need to be there for #2 today and I will be there for you in any way that you are comfortable having me (or not) in your life.
Be honest that you can compartmentalize your friendship and support just to #2 if that is her wish and what she needs from you now, but that if she needs or wants your support it is there for her, too.
Mommy Monster said:
I guess I'm the lone voice of dissent (so far anyway). I think something life-altering like this may make #1 re-think things in her life. And while I agree it may not be the time to try and restart the friendship, I would think a simple card that says "I heard what is happening and just want you to know I'm sorry you're going through this and send you good wishes" wouldn't be inappropriate.
I do agree with the others about being clear with #2. Just let her know that you don't think #1 needs or even wants your active involvement, but you will be there for her (#2) to provide support.
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Permalink Reply by TommysMommy on -
Yeah, I think letting #2 know you are there for her but you are uncomfortable inserting yourself back into #1's life because of the past is not unreasonable.
That being said, I don't think that a card saying "Thinking of you" would be out of the realm of appropriate. If she rejects it, at least you made the effort.
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Permalink Reply by Joe Mama on -
I'm the second camp as well - I'd go with something like "I know we aren't close anymore, but I am truly sorry to hear about your struggles. I hope things go well." In my admittedly limited experience with friends and acquaintences going through serious illness I haven't met anyone who didn't appreciate a kind word. And if she is the type to take offense then you can rest comfortably with the knowledge that you gave her half an hour of distraction as she bitches about how insensitive you are - how generous!
I also wouldn't really worry about #2 asking you to do anything extraordinary for #1 - you might not have talked about it much but she would have to be pretty much a brick not to know that there are still tensions between you and her sister, especially since she was out of touch immediately after the original blowout. If she does ask for something that seems to cross the line that you can just say that you don't think you would actually be a comfort to her sister but you would be happy to do something for HER.
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Permalink Reply by ks on -
I'm also with group 2. I won't hurt to drop a card or something in the general direction of #1 letting you know that you've heard what is going on and that she is in your thoughts, and then just leaving it at that. If she's interested in any contact/relationship past that, then it is her decision. And then make it clear to #2 that you won't be going any further than that unless #1 directly asks you to, but that you'll support #2 in whatever way she needs short of that.
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Permalink Reply by bethany on -
I'm with group 2. Send a handwritten note to number 1.
I had a falling out with a close friend (like childhood next door neighbor friend close) years ago-we literally hadn't communicated in years. Then I read in the paper that her mom died. I went to the mom's house for the memorial service and figured that even if it was awkward that I wanted to be there to share my condolences in person as I knew the whole family. I ended up reconnecting with my friend and we're close again, but it took a risk on my part (i was terrified to go there alone, but I did), and it was a time of need for her that made us reconnect. So, what do you have to lose by reaching out just once? In all the times of loss in my life, I would have welcomed more communication from people, even in the circumstances you describe.
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