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Is there a Hallmark card for this?
Soooo, you old-time OS'ers may or may not remember that a while ago I had some friend stuff go down with the Total Drama Twins, which ended in the break-up of a 20+ year friendship.
Basically to make a very long, boring story short for those new to this - I was friends with a set of twins from our early childhood. Well, about five years ago, I opened my big mouth, stuck my foot in it and all hell broke loose. I attempted to apologize, but my apology went unaccepted, so I withdrew my further attempts at reconciliation and mourned the end of the relationship. Mind you, the disagreement only happened with one twin, but I recognized that the other twin would take her sister's side, and I really did not blame her for that. They're twins, after all.
Well, a year ago the twin I did not have the fight with contacted me and said she missed our friendship and could we possibly start over. I debated it for a while and even got advice from my sisters who knew the whole story. It seemed churlish and immature to turn down what appeared to be a genuine offer of friendship and reconciliation. So, Twin #2 and I have been on a pleasant speaking/emailing basis for a while now.
My own boundaries stop at her, though. When she brings up Twin #1, I nod politely and then quickly change the subject.
I can't do that this time. Twin #1 has cancer. Worse, she had a tumor removed from her ovary and apparently no one can tell what type of cancer it is. It has to be sent to a special lab or something. She is facing a total hysterectomy, chemo and gods know what else. I feel truly terrible for her. She isn't a bad person and doesn't deserve something like this.
However, my question is...how the hell do I handle this? I'm no longer her friend. I'm not even welcome in her life. I have offered my full support to Twin#2, without addressing Twin #1. But I'm not sure how long that may be viable. About the only thing in my favor is that I'm down here in the south while they are up north in my old hometown. It makes not going to the hospital to visit a bit more plausible.
What would you do?
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by hermit crab on -
I think this is such a great topic. Growing up, I was both introverted and also believed myself to be very loyal to the friends I did have, so this concept of "defriending" was pretty alien - I believed that I never ended friendships. If I didn't like how a friendship was going, I pulled away but I believed I was doing it because I was a "bad correspondent" or "not good at returning phone calls" and didn't recognize that I was just passive-aggressively trying to end a friendship.
Meanwhile, I had a good friend who was not passive-aggressive, but rather an aggressive-aggressive defriender. She would let people know quite directly that they were being dropped from her life. I found that so shocking, especially when she began cutting down our immediate friend circle until I was the only one left of our common friends in her life. (Eventually I was cut as well.) In retrospect, though, I see this more as a matter of style than an essential difference. I'd rather fade out of someone's life than leave it in a dramatic fashion - in fact, if I have a falling out with someone I'm very uncomfortable not patching it up - but that doesn't mean I don't end friendships too in my own way. I just prefer to leave quietly. I think it's because I'm optimistic that maybe someday we'll be friends again (just not right now, because something about the relationship is really annoying me.)
What's your defriending style?
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Permalink Reply by mightyninjamom on -
You know, I'm a terrible IRL friend. I'm introverted with a strong, hermit-like streak, and social anxiety. It's hard to get me to commit to plans. Having said that, I don't think I have a defriending style, because I think everyone usually gives up on me, way before I'll give up on them.
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