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My greatest fear, since realizing that my girl was obsessed with ballet, has been that we would one day have to deal with eating disorders. Never did I imagine that ballet would be the key to helping us try to avoid having the girl develop a full blown life-long struggle.
I'm a firm believer that kids go through phases, struggles and issues that they can successfully pull through with a lot of help, attention and support from us parents. But holy hell people, sometimes it is hard to have the strength to take the right steps without freaking out, going over the edge, or making matters so much worse!
When the girl got her first period, just a few months ago, she really freaked out. She was certain she was weird or different from everybody else and seemed incapable of understanding that this is what every single girl she knows is going through or will go through shortly. Around January 1, I realized she was having trouble fitting in her clothes from just a few months before. She was growing curves that weren't there before (still a tiny size zero, but with a figure and in need of things made for a young woman, not a little girl). She freaked out even more. She rejects any clothes that are not bought at the same little girl stores as "everybody else" she knows. She had never cared to dress like everybody else before - in fact, earlier this school year she insisted on shopping at stores where she was certain she would find unique clothing.
Fast forward two months, and suddenly and dramatically, I've noticed a difference in the way my daughter looks. She's thinner - too much thinner. She hasn't had another period. I've been trying to NOT make an issue of her weight, because in front of me, she is eating a healthy amount for a normal person her size. The trouble is, I don't know what she does at school when she is around the girls she's trying to fit in with.
I'm not alone in my concerns. This week, I got a call from her dance teacher, she's concerned that the girl is suddenly looking a lot thinner. One of the many reasons we love the school she is at is the philosophy they share that ballet is a sport and in order to be successful at it, one has to maintain a proper body weight and muscle mass. Her teacher and I talked for at least a half an hour. I told her I've had similar concerns but for now I'm cautiously hopeful that this is not something that she is affecting it's more a combination of a sudden growth spurt (she's shot up more than an inch since October, probably closer to two), she's had hormonal changes that I recall affected my body dramatically in the first year, and she's gone from 3 hours of dance a week the beginning of this year to 8 hours.
I had a very positive (I hope) talk with her the afternoon I talked to her teacher. I asked her if she has noticed any changes in the way her clothes have fitted. I explained to her that her dad and I, and her ballet teacher are concerned that she is not going to be strong enough to maintain her level of strength in dance if she doesn't start consuming more calories. We talked about how an increase in her activity level creates a higher demand for energy from foods and how she needs to focus on learning her body's cues for when she is hungry.
She seemed genuinely surprised by this whole conversation. She seems to have legitimately not noticed or made a conscious effort to contribute to these sudden changes. But how do I know for sure? Like I said, I'm not with her five days a week for lunch. I've noticed her not going back for seconds ever at dinner any more (she used to regularly do so). She always eats a good dinner. She always eats dessert. She always eats breakfast, I struggle to get her to eat a real snack (something substantial) between school and dance - but that is made difficult by the fact that her lunch time is at 12:45 in the afternoon and it's hard to be hungry just 2 and a half hours later.
I'm trying, desperately, to remain calm. I'm trying to not make too big of a deal about this because I truly believe this is a short term strange pile-on of events and not something she is purposefully doing to herself. I fear if I make too much of a big deal about this, this will become a true power struggle for her. I want to help give her the tools to make good healthy choices on her own - because I realize this is the key to avoiding life-long eating issues. But it is just so fucking hard when all I want to do is lock her in the house and watch her like a hawk as she eats high fat, high calorie foods.
I'm a firm believer that kids go through phases, struggles and issues that they can successfully pull through with a lot of help, attention and support from us parents. But holy hell people, sometimes it is hard to have the strength to take the right steps without freaking out, going over the edge, or making matters so much worse!
When the girl got her first period, just a few months ago, she really freaked out. She was certain she was weird or different from everybody else and seemed incapable of understanding that this is what every single girl she knows is going through or will go through shortly. Around January 1, I realized she was having trouble fitting in her clothes from just a few months before. She was growing curves that weren't there before (still a tiny size zero, but with a figure and in need of things made for a young woman, not a little girl). She freaked out even more. She rejects any clothes that are not bought at the same little girl stores as "everybody else" she knows. She had never cared to dress like everybody else before - in fact, earlier this school year she insisted on shopping at stores where she was certain she would find unique clothing.
Fast forward two months, and suddenly and dramatically, I've noticed a difference in the way my daughter looks. She's thinner - too much thinner. She hasn't had another period. I've been trying to NOT make an issue of her weight, because in front of me, she is eating a healthy amount for a normal person her size. The trouble is, I don't know what she does at school when she is around the girls she's trying to fit in with.
I'm not alone in my concerns. This week, I got a call from her dance teacher, she's concerned that the girl is suddenly looking a lot thinner. One of the many reasons we love the school she is at is the philosophy they share that ballet is a sport and in order to be successful at it, one has to maintain a proper body weight and muscle mass. Her teacher and I talked for at least a half an hour. I told her I've had similar concerns but for now I'm cautiously hopeful that this is not something that she is affecting it's more a combination of a sudden growth spurt (she's shot up more than an inch since October, probably closer to two), she's had hormonal changes that I recall affected my body dramatically in the first year, and she's gone from 3 hours of dance a week the beginning of this year to 8 hours.
I had a very positive (I hope) talk with her the afternoon I talked to her teacher. I asked her if she has noticed any changes in the way her clothes have fitted. I explained to her that her dad and I, and her ballet teacher are concerned that she is not going to be strong enough to maintain her level of strength in dance if she doesn't start consuming more calories. We talked about how an increase in her activity level creates a higher demand for energy from foods and how she needs to focus on learning her body's cues for when she is hungry.
She seemed genuinely surprised by this whole conversation. She seems to have legitimately not noticed or made a conscious effort to contribute to these sudden changes. But how do I know for sure? Like I said, I'm not with her five days a week for lunch. I've noticed her not going back for seconds ever at dinner any more (she used to regularly do so). She always eats a good dinner. She always eats dessert. She always eats breakfast, I struggle to get her to eat a real snack (something substantial) between school and dance - but that is made difficult by the fact that her lunch time is at 12:45 in the afternoon and it's hard to be hungry just 2 and a half hours later.
I'm trying, desperately, to remain calm. I'm trying to not make too big of a deal about this because I truly believe this is a short term strange pile-on of events and not something she is purposefully doing to herself. I fear if I make too much of a big deal about this, this will become a true power struggle for her. I want to help give her the tools to make good healthy choices on her own - because I realize this is the key to avoiding life-long eating issues. But it is just so fucking hard when all I want to do is lock her in the house and watch her like a hawk as she eats high fat, high calorie foods.
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Ylimemagic on -
Oracle's words are excellent, and I like Ruth's idea as well. My experience with nutritionists haven't completely focused on calorie counting, but have been more oriented towards overall nutritional education which I've found really beneficial. Something to consider. Maybe go alone for the first session to ask questions and screen the nutritionist to be sure you are comfortable with their personality and delivery methods.
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Permalink Reply by mightyninjamom on -
This sounds like exactly what I went through around that age. I was always a small child, but starting when I was 12, I started doing sports year-round. I went from volleyball straight to basketball then to track and in summer I did summer league track. When I got older, I switched out volleyball and basketball for cross country running. I could barely keep weight on. To give you an idea, at 12 I wasn't quite 5 feet tall and I weighed about 65 lbs. By the time I graduated high school I'd gotten to 5'1" and I was 103 lbs. I recall at the height of my activity level, I was eating six times a day - probably roughly 5000 calories.
I look at pictures from myself at that age, and I am all gangly and ridiculous looking! Keep encouraging her from the athletic angle - she won't get peak performance without the caloric intake. Since she is also at a peak growth cycle in her life, she needs to maintain a certain caloric intake if she wants to continue growing.
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Permalink Reply by DLBK on -
I remember freaking out when I got my first period despite knowing that it would be coming at some point. I refused to tell anyone about it and instead bled through my clothes at school.
I also freaked out when I started developing breasts, especially since it was earlier than most girls my age. By 12 or so I was labeled big breasted (I am) and hated it; I was never really able to appreciate by breasts until I had a baby and breastfed for 21 months--it took almost 20 years.
While I don't know how you could make her accept the changes in her body, you could definitely find her some books about getting a period and puberty that would make it very clear to her that every other girl around her is going or will be going through the same process.
I wouldn't take her to a professional just yet to see if she's eating enough, because I'd be afraid of causing problems where there aren't any. If you see her eating well and eating desserts at home, she's probably not totally starving herself at school. I think you'd see more signs of an eating disorder if she had one. However, I've never had an eating disorder and I haven't done a lot of reading about the topic.
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Permalink Reply by StitchyWench on -
She's probably about 5'3" almost 5'4" and she went from about 101 lbs at her highest to about 95 lbs at the start of us really monitoring this. It isn't a huge weight shift (six lbs.) for a normal sized person, but she was already on the low end of normal. I truly think this is just natural due to the extra activity and for now we are going to work on watching to make sure she's not limiting herself at all when she feels hungry. I've been working really hard on not "watching" her or commenting on anything she's doing surrounding her eating habits - beyond the regular mom stuff that I would do for either kid. It seems to be working. Since we had our initial talk, I've noticed her actually making an effort to try to make good eating choices. She's packing her own school snacks without reminders, or treating it like a chore.
This weekend, she ate really well when she was in front of us and the only time she wasn't with us, she was at dance where I know they secretly monitor how the girls eat. I think as long as she doesn't lose more weight and continues to grow appropriately, I will quit worrying. I've been working hard on keeping all of the foods she loves around. I'm modeling good behavior (which I really always do) and elbowing the fuck out of my husband when he says something stupid (like, "I worked out really hard at the gym yesterday so I'm going to eat more.")
Sometimes little statements like that may sound harmless, but right now I worry that she will internalize everything said about food. I've also been making an effort to secretly turn the channel on the radio just when weight loss ads come on (or on the TV for that matter). Stupid NutriSystem - I hate you!!! Little kids don't need to hear that shit, ever!
mightyninjamom said:This sounds like exactly what I went through around that age. I was always a small child, but starting when I was 12, I started doing sports year-round. I went from volleyball straight to basketball then to track and in summer I did summer league track. When I got older, I switched out volleyball and basketball for cross country running. I could barely keep weight on. To give you an idea, at 12 I wasn't quite 5 feet tall and I weighed about 65 lbs. By the time I graduated high school I'd gotten to 5'1" and I was 103 lbs. I recall at the height of my activity level, I was eating six times a day - probably roughly 5000 calories.
I look at pictures from myself at that age, and I am all gangly and ridiculous looking! Keep encouraging her from the athletic angle - she won't get peak performance without the caloric intake. Since she is also at a peak growth cycle in her life, she needs to maintain a certain caloric intake if she wants to continue growing.
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