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My greatest fear, since realizing that my girl was obsessed with ballet, has been that we would one day have to deal with eating disorders. Never did I imagine that ballet would be the key to helping us try to avoid having the girl develop a full blown life-long struggle.
I'm a firm believer that kids go through phases, struggles and issues that they can successfully pull through with a lot of help, attention and support from us parents. But holy hell people, sometimes it is hard to have the strength to take the right steps without freaking out, going over the edge, or making matters so much worse!
When the girl got her first period, just a few months ago, she really freaked out. She was certain she was weird or different from everybody else and seemed incapable of understanding that this is what every single girl she knows is going through or will go through shortly. Around January 1, I realized she was having trouble fitting in her clothes from just a few months before. She was growing curves that weren't there before (still a tiny size zero, but with a figure and in need of things made for a young woman, not a little girl). She freaked out even more. She rejects any clothes that are not bought at the same little girl stores as "everybody else" she knows. She had never cared to dress like everybody else before - in fact, earlier this school year she insisted on shopping at stores where she was certain she would find unique clothing.
Fast forward two months, and suddenly and dramatically, I've noticed a difference in the way my daughter looks. She's thinner - too much thinner. She hasn't had another period. I've been trying to NOT make an issue of her weight, because in front of me, she is eating a healthy amount for a normal person her size. The trouble is, I don't know what she does at school when she is around the girls she's trying to fit in with.
I'm not alone in my concerns. This week, I got a call from her dance teacher, she's concerned that the girl is suddenly looking a lot thinner. One of the many reasons we love the school she is at is the philosophy they share that ballet is a sport and in order to be successful at it, one has to maintain a proper body weight and muscle mass. Her teacher and I talked for at least a half an hour. I told her I've had similar concerns but for now I'm cautiously hopeful that this is not something that she is affecting it's more a combination of a sudden growth spurt (she's shot up more than an inch since October, probably closer to two), she's had hormonal changes that I recall affected my body dramatically in the first year, and she's gone from 3 hours of dance a week the beginning of this year to 8 hours.
I had a very positive (I hope) talk with her the afternoon I talked to her teacher. I asked her if she has noticed any changes in the way her clothes have fitted. I explained to her that her dad and I, and her ballet teacher are concerned that she is not going to be strong enough to maintain her level of strength in dance if she doesn't start consuming more calories. We talked about how an increase in her activity level creates a higher demand for energy from foods and how she needs to focus on learning her body's cues for when she is hungry.
She seemed genuinely surprised by this whole conversation. She seems to have legitimately not noticed or made a conscious effort to contribute to these sudden changes. But how do I know for sure? Like I said, I'm not with her five days a week for lunch. I've noticed her not going back for seconds ever at dinner any more (she used to regularly do so). She always eats a good dinner. She always eats dessert. She always eats breakfast, I struggle to get her to eat a real snack (something substantial) between school and dance - but that is made difficult by the fact that her lunch time is at 12:45 in the afternoon and it's hard to be hungry just 2 and a half hours later.
I'm trying, desperately, to remain calm. I'm trying to not make too big of a deal about this because I truly believe this is a short term strange pile-on of events and not something she is purposefully doing to herself. I fear if I make too much of a big deal about this, this will become a true power struggle for her. I want to help give her the tools to make good healthy choices on her own - because I realize this is the key to avoiding life-long eating issues. But it is just so fucking hard when all I want to do is lock her in the house and watch her like a hawk as she eats high fat, high calorie foods.
I'm a firm believer that kids go through phases, struggles and issues that they can successfully pull through with a lot of help, attention and support from us parents. But holy hell people, sometimes it is hard to have the strength to take the right steps without freaking out, going over the edge, or making matters so much worse!
When the girl got her first period, just a few months ago, she really freaked out. She was certain she was weird or different from everybody else and seemed incapable of understanding that this is what every single girl she knows is going through or will go through shortly. Around January 1, I realized she was having trouble fitting in her clothes from just a few months before. She was growing curves that weren't there before (still a tiny size zero, but with a figure and in need of things made for a young woman, not a little girl). She freaked out even more. She rejects any clothes that are not bought at the same little girl stores as "everybody else" she knows. She had never cared to dress like everybody else before - in fact, earlier this school year she insisted on shopping at stores where she was certain she would find unique clothing.
Fast forward two months, and suddenly and dramatically, I've noticed a difference in the way my daughter looks. She's thinner - too much thinner. She hasn't had another period. I've been trying to NOT make an issue of her weight, because in front of me, she is eating a healthy amount for a normal person her size. The trouble is, I don't know what she does at school when she is around the girls she's trying to fit in with.
I'm not alone in my concerns. This week, I got a call from her dance teacher, she's concerned that the girl is suddenly looking a lot thinner. One of the many reasons we love the school she is at is the philosophy they share that ballet is a sport and in order to be successful at it, one has to maintain a proper body weight and muscle mass. Her teacher and I talked for at least a half an hour. I told her I've had similar concerns but for now I'm cautiously hopeful that this is not something that she is affecting it's more a combination of a sudden growth spurt (she's shot up more than an inch since October, probably closer to two), she's had hormonal changes that I recall affected my body dramatically in the first year, and she's gone from 3 hours of dance a week the beginning of this year to 8 hours.
I had a very positive (I hope) talk with her the afternoon I talked to her teacher. I asked her if she has noticed any changes in the way her clothes have fitted. I explained to her that her dad and I, and her ballet teacher are concerned that she is not going to be strong enough to maintain her level of strength in dance if she doesn't start consuming more calories. We talked about how an increase in her activity level creates a higher demand for energy from foods and how she needs to focus on learning her body's cues for when she is hungry.
She seemed genuinely surprised by this whole conversation. She seems to have legitimately not noticed or made a conscious effort to contribute to these sudden changes. But how do I know for sure? Like I said, I'm not with her five days a week for lunch. I've noticed her not going back for seconds ever at dinner any more (she used to regularly do so). She always eats a good dinner. She always eats dessert. She always eats breakfast, I struggle to get her to eat a real snack (something substantial) between school and dance - but that is made difficult by the fact that her lunch time is at 12:45 in the afternoon and it's hard to be hungry just 2 and a half hours later.
I'm trying, desperately, to remain calm. I'm trying to not make too big of a deal about this because I truly believe this is a short term strange pile-on of events and not something she is purposefully doing to herself. I fear if I make too much of a big deal about this, this will become a true power struggle for her. I want to help give her the tools to make good healthy choices on her own - because I realize this is the key to avoiding life-long eating issues. But it is just so fucking hard when all I want to do is lock her in the house and watch her like a hawk as she eats high fat, high calorie foods.
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by mcglory13 on -
Hmm... I dunno. Obviously you have grounds to be worried, but all of that dance and weird growth spurts could lead to normal weight loss. When my sister was swimming competitively she lost weight, even though she ate all the time. My advice would be have her talk to a professional who can ascertain whether there is a legitimate problem or not.
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Permalink Reply by StitchyWench on -
I want to do that mcglory - really bad, but my husband and I agree that since it is most likely just a normal thing happening to her because of all of these valid reasons, bringing in outside help before we give her an opportunity to learn her body's cues for hunger and eat more when she needs to, that we will be taking something normal and turning it in to a problem. And with eating disorders, power struggle is usually the trigger. Our next course of action is to take her in to her regular doctor if we don't see this trend reverse very shortly.
mcglory13 said:Hmm... I dunno. Obviously you have grounds to be worried, but all of that dance and weird growth spurts could lead to normal weight loss. When my sister was swimming competitively she lost weight, even though she ate all the time. My advice would be have her talk to a professional who can ascertain whether there is a legitimate problem or not.
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Permalink Reply by The Oracle on -
Okay, first, take a few deep breaths.
I understand your concern but I think there are some very positive things in your story. First, it's very telling that you felt she was genuinely surprised at your concerns. I'd think if she were engaging in unhealthy weight loss behavior, the surprise wouldn't have seemed genuine to you. Second is that she's still eating healthy in your presence, even if it's not as much as you'd like. Third, and most importantly, she's got a strong network of support surrounding her and protecting her.
The freak-out about her period and about the kind of clothes she wears -- those seem pretty normal to me. I think that, colored by your existing concern, it would be easy to become alarmed when she goes through a period of rapid growth and weight loss and body-related freak-outs, but I don't think those developments are necessarily tied to an eating disorder. Also remember it's not uncommon for girls to get a first period and then nothing again for a long time.
One final thought: She has in you an incredible role model of a woman who loves to cook and eat yummy food AND who is beautiful and healthy. I don't mean to minimize your worries, but simply being who you are is a really, really good start to supporting her through this transition.
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Permalink Reply by StitchyWench on
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I never have Kanachick. I have always been a very healthy eater, meaning even when I was young I cared about the kinds of foods I eat. But I have been blessed with good genes that make weight a sort of non-issue for me.
kanachick said:Did you have an eating disorder?
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Permalink Reply by StitchyWench on
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The Oracle - thank you very much!!!
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Permalink Reply by ks on -
Yeah, everything Oracle said.
It sounds like what she's going through is pretty normal--it sounds like when I was about that age, anyway. I'd probably keep an eye out for any major issues, but I wouldn't bring it up to her as *a conversation* because that could definitely lead to some stubbornness. And if you're modeling a healthy relationship with food and generally being supportive of her, that's really the best thing you can do.
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Permalink Reply by mcglory13 on
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Well, not worrying just yet would have been my first piece of advice, but I wasn't sure how it would go over. So I went for the next most productive thing I could think of. I figured if she talked to a shrink, the doctor could figure out if it was the adults in her life over reacting or an actual problem. :)
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Permalink Reply by ruth on -
What about consult with a nutritionist, maybe one who specalize in athletes? There's no implication there that anything bad or scary is going on, more just "hey, you're exercising LOTS more while also going through normal bodily changes related to puberty... maybe it would be a good idea to meet with a nutritionist to get some feedback about whether your diet really contains the right kind off fuel for all of those demands." It would likely be a 2-visit thing, with you and the girl keeping a food diary for a week that the nutritionist would look over and loosely calculate the calories and give you feedback.
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Permalink Reply by StitchyWench on
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That is our plan C. We're hoping to not get to plan C because I'm afraid at this young of an age it could create a life-long relationship of worrying about counting calories, for her, even if she never develops a full-blown eating disorder.
ruth said:What about consult with a nutritionist, maybe one who specalize in athletes? There's no implication there that anything bad or scary is going on, more just "hey, you're exercising LOTS more while also going through normal bodily changes related to puberty... maybe it would be a good idea to meet with a nutritionist to get some feedback about whether your diet really contains the right kind off fuel for all of those demands." It would likely be a 2-visit thing, with you and the girl keeping a food diary for a week that the nutritionist would look over and loosely calculate the calories and give you feedback.
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