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In this post, I am a total dbag

OK, so I'm a copy cat.   But I liked Tracey's post.

My wife and I haven't done it in several months. I stopped counting.   Tonight, I let her have it. Not sexually, unfortunately.   Told her how disappointed I was, and that the current relationship is untenable in its current form.    I yell when I'm mad. It's hard to stay calm sometimes.   I realize I'm not the perfect husband, but a lot of people can get sex without being perfect, or so I'm told.

I also told her that the longer I go without sex, the harder it will be to get the train going again.

At some point, she may have valid reasons for not wanting to have sex.

SO FUCKING TELL ME THEM ALREADY.

But at some point, being silent and letting the days go by invalidates those claims, and the months without sex loom large.

I basically told me, let's fuck or cut me loose. And don't even think about taking the kids across state lines, since I well know how that game is played.   If you leave for state XX, you go alone.

You've been warned.

Now I'll go back to being a nice guy in a week or two.

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Permalink Reply by kanachick on March 5, 2010 at 6:32am

Romance? How did you snag her in the first place? Did you ask her out and have quiet dinners together? Do you take an interest in the things that interest her? Are your kids really little and is it possible that she's just all touched out by the end of the day and the thought of anyone else touching her makes her freak out? Do you do the laundry? Or the dishes? Or run the vacuum around for no reason? Do you compliment her on little things?

Woo her. Act like a suitor and woo her.

That is...if she'll even speak to you after what you said. Because if it were me, you'd find a flaming pile of your things on the lawn the next time you pulled that shit.

Permalink Reply by ks on March 5, 2010 at 6:33am

It really sucks that it's come to this. Really.

And yeah, it looks like this wasn't your finest hour, but I do understand the emotion. Lack of sex would be a deal breaker for me, as well. It wouldn't negate the love, necessarily, but I don't think I could live without over the long term--for me it's a very important part of being in a relationship. So I understand where you're coming from, but this probably wasn't the most constructive way to get where you want to be.

How about "I have lived without sex for way too long and I don't think I can take it any more". Does that sound like a threat?

That's better, I think. It sounds like communication, as much as the sex, is a big problem.

Permalink Reply by YoYoWannaBe on March 5, 2010 at 6:37am

Affirmatively yes, too all of these questions, but the lack of sex has made me critical and unpleasant lately. My kids are 10 and 12 and they spent enough time at friend's houses to make a workable sex life possible.

kanachick said:

Romance? How did you snag her in the first place? Did you ask her out and have quiet dinners together? Do you take an interest in the things that interest her? Are your kids really little and is it possible that she's just all touched out by the end of the day and the thought of anyone else touching her makes her freak out? Do you do the laundry? Or the dishes? Or run the vacuum around for no reason? Do you compliment her on little things?
Woo her. Act like a suitor and woo her. That is...if she'll even speak to you after what you said. Because if it were me, you'd find a flaming pile of your things on the lawn the next time you pulled that shit.

I think she should be trying to woo me as much as I am trying to woo her. The lack of this is a major problem.

So, the next time she pulls this shit, should I have her stuff on the lawn, too? But such threats that's how this whole carousel ride got started in the first place.

Permalink Reply by Herasmus B. Dragon on March 5, 2010 at 6:40am

Send the kids to Gramma's and take a weekend trip with just the two of you, staying in a comfy hotel with relaxing things to do all around. Get the emotional intimacy back first. If she falls asleep from your efforts, start things at 10 am. Shower with each other. Rub feet while sittin up in a chair. Just make the point of saying "I'm not asking for sex, I'm asking for love from my wife." We all know that means sex for you, but it could lower what guards she's put up over these past few months.

None of us know what's going on in her head, but she needs to feel like you'll listen to her deep fears before she opens up other parts of her body. Most, if not all, of us women have gone through dry spells or emotional shutdowns, and they're not always understood by the person having them. Could be stress at work, money problems, annoyance over your habits that finally reached the limits, or even medical issues going unnoticed, like hormonal shifts, diabetes, thyroid problems, or depression sneaking up on her. Going to therapy admits there's a problem with herself, and she may not be willing to accept it. Taking the pressure of sex away, even for a few days, could be the catalyst for asking for help either from you or a professional.

And please, for the love of Pete, don't bring the kids into it. Their involvement with your sex ended years ago.

Permalink Reply by YoYoWannaBe on March 5, 2010 at 6:40am

I feel I have gotten enough constructive ideas to move forward in a non-threatening direction. I'll update you in a few months to let you know how it turned out. If you have something more to say to me, you can always message me.

I am closing replies to this thread now. Thank you all again for your thoughtful replies.

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