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In this post, I am a total dbag
OK, so I'm a copy cat. But I liked Tracey's post.
My wife and I haven't done it in several months. I stopped counting. Tonight, I let her have it. Not sexually, unfortunately. Told her how disappointed I was, and that the current relationship is untenable in its current form. I yell when I'm mad. It's hard to stay calm sometimes. I realize I'm not the perfect husband, but a lot of people can get sex without being perfect, or so I'm told.
I also told her that the longer I go without sex, the harder it will be to get the train going again.
At some point, she may have valid reasons for not wanting to have sex.
SO FUCKING TELL ME THEM ALREADY.
But at some point, being silent and letting the days go by invalidates those claims, and the months without sex loom large.
I basically told me, let's fuck or cut me loose. And don't even think about taking the kids across state lines, since I well know how that game is played. If you leave for state XX, you go alone.
You've been warned.
Now I'll go back to being a nice guy in a week or two.
My wife and I haven't done it in several months. I stopped counting. Tonight, I let her have it. Not sexually, unfortunately. Told her how disappointed I was, and that the current relationship is untenable in its current form. I yell when I'm mad. It's hard to stay calm sometimes. I realize I'm not the perfect husband, but a lot of people can get sex without being perfect, or so I'm told.
I also told her that the longer I go without sex, the harder it will be to get the train going again.
At some point, she may have valid reasons for not wanting to have sex.
SO FUCKING TELL ME THEM ALREADY.
But at some point, being silent and letting the days go by invalidates those claims, and the months without sex loom large.
I basically told me, let's fuck or cut me loose. And don't even think about taking the kids across state lines, since I well know how that game is played. If you leave for state XX, you go alone.
You've been warned.
Now I'll go back to being a nice guy in a week or two.
Replies are closed for this discussion.
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by YoYoWannaBe on -
I should add that she has been resistant to counseling - yes, that has been discussed. Our wedding anniversary is coming up, and while I don't expect to have our problems solved by then, I do want it to be something I celebrate, and not another year notched on the prison walls.
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Permalink Reply by Floor Pie on -
Wow. This is one of those times when just typing up a response doesn't seem sufficient. I'm so sorry to hear this. I only met your wife the one time, but she was such a sweetheart and you guys are so cute together...surely there must be a lot of good in the marriage that's just gotten obscured over time?
It sounds like you're feeling hurt and rejected. But are her reasons for not wanting sex really about you? If her body isn't working, it isn't working. It's not personal. Sure, you could argue "If she really cared about me she could do X or Y and get over it." But it's not that simple. And threatening to leave her and take the kids because she won't put out...really? Where's the love?
I'm also sorry to hear that she doesn't want to do counseling, because with the right therapist I think it could do a lot of good. I recommended John Gottman's books a while back. Did you check them out?
I'm sorry if this seems like I'm taking her side against yours, but it's just impossible not to empathize with her here. If my husband said those things to me, I don't think I'd ever stop crying. But I know you beyond this one post and I know you're more complex and caring than that. Take care of yourself, feel better, and try again. I hope things work out. -
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Permalink Reply by YoYoWannaBe on
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At some point, I have to say "well, there may be complex causes", but can I afford to wait forever? I didn't threaten to take the kids, though. I said that if she left me she couldn't take the kids across state lines. But I guess in an argument the fine points get lost and only the threat gets heard. I'll take that under advisement.
I have to do something different to show her I am serious this time. Withholding sex for months is a very serious matter, and if the situation is too complex (an argument I don't buy, btw), then there are only three alternatives
* separate
* counseling
* work it out ourselves
But the complexity argument seems to eliminate the third option.
Yes, she is very sweet. But I need more than a sister. -
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Permalink Reply by YoYoWannaBe on
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If I could get her to read them with me, I'll give it a shot.
"If she really cared about me she could do X or Y and get over it." But it's not that simple. And threatening to leave her and take the kids because she won't put out...really? Where's the love?
Maybe not, but I think we manage to overcome obstacles if we really want to.
I'm also sorry to hear that she doesn't want to do counseling, because with the right therapist I think it could do a lot of good. I recommended John Gottman's books a while back. Did you check them out?
Not yet, but if she'll go all in then I'll buy them ftw.
I'm sorry if this seems like I'm taking her side against yours, but it's just impossible not to empathize with her here. If my husband said those things to me, I don't think I'd ever stop crying. But I know you beyond this one post and I know you're more complex and caring than that. Take care of yourself, feel better, and try again. I hope things work out. -
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Permalink Reply by YoYoWannaBe on
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I'm sorry if this seems like I'm taking her side against yours, but it's just impossible not to empathize with her here. If my husband said those things to me, I don't think I'd ever stop crying. But I know you beyond this one post and I know youiork out.
I set this post up the way I did as a rant so that I would generate counter-responses. No need to apologize.
But I also need some empathy too because if my wife ever refused to have sex for such a long period of time, I'd not stop raging for months. Oh wait, it already started. -
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Permalink Reply by YoYoWannaBe on
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This whole thing started when I realized I was looking at other women saying "I wonder what we would be like together". That was an emotional red flag.
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Permalink Reply by mcglory13 on -
I'm sorry you're frustrated and unhappy with the state of your relationship. I personally don't put that much emphasis on sex as a deal breaker, but I can imagine that if my spouse suddenly ceased doing something I really value I would find it very frustrating and I would want to find out why things had changed and how to fix them very badly.
I'm just wondering, however, if threatening is the best tactic to get what you want. I mean, is it really going to be fun or good if she's doing it just so you won't leave her or yell? I personally would find that kind of coercive and gross. I don't know your partner so I don't know what the right approach would be, but I know that for me threatening me would make sex the last thing I wanted to do. -
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Permalink Reply by YoYoWannaBe on
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I do appreciate your perspective, McGlory13. I can see how the threat may have poisoned the waters too much. Tactically, that wasn't the optimal move for building love in the relationship. Maybe fixing the relationship is not the tactical best move, either.
I agree, but everything else has failed. Tactically you have a good point, and maybe I am digging my own grave with tragic expressions of unmet needs that will guarantee they will never be met. I do get crazy sometimes. I'll bet you do too, but over different issues.
I am desperate, hence the unwise choice of tactics. Genuine attempts at emotional connection have not worked.
However, I have a right to self preservation and to a satisfying sex life. Well, not a constitutional right obviously. When I say I have a right, I mean that this is very important to me and I am not going to settle for an asexual marriage.
If this is going nowhere, I need time to find a new suitable partner, and if that is the route I must take, then I'm just saying I need time.
Sex isn't everything but total lack of it is a crisis.
mcglory13 said:I'm sorry you're frustrated and unhappy with the state of your relationship. I personally don't put that much emphasis on sex as a deal breaker, but I can imagine that if my spouse suddenly ceased doing something I really value I would find it very frustrating and I would want to find out why things had changed and how to fix them very badly.
I'm just wondering, however, if threatening is the best tactic to get what you want. I mean, is it really going to be fun or good if she's doing it just so you won't leave her or yell? I personally would find that kind of coercive and gross. I don't know your partner so I don't know what the right approach would be, but I know that for me threatening me would make sex the last thing I wanted to do. -
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Permalink Reply by YoYoWannaBe on
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My major issue is now I have to apologize for all sorts of things I said, especially the threatening, and she may feel the edge is off and can go back to the marriage killing routine she has already settled into.
I don't want to threaten, but I am angry, and I need action and change. I don't have forever.
So, what should I do in the short term? Leave for a few days until I feel I can work with her? What will communicate the urgency of the situation without the sort of threats that will make it impossible for her to re-commit to a sexually fulfilling union.
If the threat is a bad tactic, what is the alternative? I'm open to ideas. Things can't get much worse, and they just might open the door to better communication. -
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Permalink Reply by mcglory13 on
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Like I said, everybody has their own deal breakers. If you think the relationship is untenable in its current state, I'm not trying to tell you to get over it or what have you. I'm just thinking tactically, you know, art of war and all that.
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Permalink Reply by YoYoWannaBe on
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I'm just wondering, however, if threatening is the best tactic to get what you want. I mean, is it really going to be fun or good if she's doing it just so you won't leave her or yell?
This is a brilliant point, and it will be covered when we talk things out, or in counselling if I could ever get her there. But at the same time, I am not a creature of mind. Not having sex (and no, masturbation doesn't really count) is going to make it hard for a man to keep his cool.
She [formerly I wrote "women"] doesn't [and I changed the subject/verb agreement] like to hear it phrased this way, but she has no problem prioritizing her life to get her need for relaxation met. If she cared about as much for her need for sex with me, she would structure her life to increase the chances of its happening. Of course, this presumes no other emotional issues that would prevent it. -
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Permalink Reply by mcglory13 on
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Well, I wouldn't make it a gender issue. A "men need" this "women need " this kinda thing. While that's true in your relationship, in others (like mine) it's flip flopped, I have a higher sex drive than my partner. I think the difference is that women aren't socialized to blame their partner if they're not getting as much as they would like, they're socialized to blame themselves (is he cheating, have I gotten too fat, what's wrong with me, etc). We've had a thread on this before at OS.
Like I said, you have the right to determine what the deal breakers in your relationship are, but I wouldn't make it a gender war thing. I'd focus on it being an issue between two individuals in your distinct relationship.
I hope she signs on for the counseling thing. I don't understand resistance to it, really. Talking things out with a neutral party always sounds like a good idea to me. -
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