I think my ex is turning into a crappy mom

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Permalink Reply by kommishoner on June 21, 2012 at 1:39pm

She's an adult and she's going to do what she's going to do.  You can't force a parent to spend time with their kid, so the best thing you can do is get a lawyer to finalize your divorce and nail down a custody agreement that reflects the extra time you're spending.  I'm sorry your son is having a hard time, but the only one who can fix that is her (and you, by being a solid reliable parent).

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Permalink Reply by rommie on June 21, 2012 at 2:20pm

My parents are still together (which may or may not be a good thing), but my mom worked nights when I was a kid and my dad did day shift.  Even when Mom and I were both home during the day on weekends, she was usually asleep.  I didn't get to see much of her until she had major surgery when I was in high school and was off for several months.

 

Not the same as being seperated, obviously.  I did cry for her at night many times, though, and I certainly resented her when I was around your son's age and just wanted her to wake up and come spend time with me.  I have far more memories of her leaving or not having time for me than I do of the two of us really together.

 

That said, the phase passed, and as I got a little older I realized that it was okay.  We had our own relationship within the boundaries imposed by our lives.  I didn't resent her, at least for not being around much, after I was seven or eight, but I was a fairly mature kid.  Life is what it is, and the vast majority of people get used to it.  I'd just wait it out and see what happens for now.  Getting into a fight with her over it can only make things worse for all three of you, and your son's not going to enjoy being with his mom if she's resenting his "intrusion" into whatever life she's trying to make.  My guess is that he's better off being happy and spending more time with you for now and missing her a bit than being miserable because his parents are fighting--especially if they're fighting because she wants him to spend less time with her.

(Also, hi!)

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Permalink Reply by wookie on June 21, 2012 at 2:33pm

I'm going to play devils advocate on this one today :-)

To me, bad parenting is not feeding your kid, not keeping them safe (no booster seats, unsupervised in a pool), stuff like that.  So let  me throw that out there up front.  Nothing you've said so far actually throws up any red flags in my mind.

It's hard to say if your "ex is turning into a crappy mom" from only hearing one side of the story, to be honest.  I think  there is likely a lot more going on than you're saying, and quite probably a lot more than even you know.  

Kids thrive on routine, and this switch-up is hard on your son obviously, and he's expressing that through tears and sadness at the moment (other kids might act out or be agressive, still others might be withdrawn etc.)

Part of that may actually be for your benefit... if he cries and you're all over it, he's getting tonnes of reinforcement from you for his behaviour.  I have one kid who feels deeply and when she cries she means it, and one total drama queen who turns on the tears for effect, and one who is just a very sensory kid who overloads easily.  Again, I don't know any of you, but consider that might be playing into this whole scenario.

I guess what I'm ultimately saying is: try not to take your son's current emotional display as a reflection on your ex-wife's motivations as a person, her capabilities as a parent, or what is and what isn't going on in her life right now.  Kids feel how they feel, and how they feel may have nothing to do with the choices their parents make, good, bad or indifferent.  My kids weep if I go away for a conference, or if I make lasangea with the wrong kind of cheese, or if I have to take them for a flu shot.  None of those things make me a bad parent.

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Permalink Reply by The Oracle on June 21, 2012 at 5:13pm

On the other hand, giving your ex the benefit of the doubt (which I know, I know, is very hard, after all there's a reason she's your ex, right?), if there is any way you can mention the crying without attaching it to anything in particular, I think that is the way I would go.

Because whether or not your son's nightly crying is directly due to seeing his mother less, or something else entirely, she is his mother and deserves updates on an emotional state her child is experiencing that appears to be drawn out. She can talk to him about it, she can draw her own conclusions about the reason, she can ignore it, whatever. You don't need to say, "...and it's your fault." You can say, "Just wanted to bring this to your attention, thought you should know." And then you've done your part in it.

I wouldn't get the in-laws involved, though. Obviously I don't know them (or maybe I do - what a weird coincidence that would be?) but my experience is that, no matter how close, in-law sentiments can 180 in the blink of an eye when marital (or former marital) conflict is involved. I'd walk very, very carefully there.

Also, welcome!

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Permalink Reply by bethany on June 21, 2012 at 5:31pm

I'm with Kommish on this one--but we're both lawyers so that's probably we're of the same mind.

As a dad with a little dude, this might be your best shot at primary custody--get an order that reflects the current situation, and get yourself some child support too.

Sounds like mom's priorities have changed a bit for now.  I know your kid's bummed but I'd take advantage of the extra time w/the little dude.
 
kommishoner said:

She's an adult and she's going to do what she's going to do.  You can't force a parent to spend time with their kid, so the best thing you can do is get a lawyer to finalize your divorce and nail down a custody agreement that reflects the extra time you're spending.  I'm sorry your son is having a hard time, but the only one who can fix that is her (and you, by being a solid reliable parent).

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Permalink Reply by Kouts.Dad on June 21, 2012 at 6:38pm

Thanks for the input everyone!

@wookie, I'm not saying that because she's making my son upset that she's a bad parent, lord knows I make that kid cry on a daily basis!  He's a smart kid, he knows when she's supposed to be at work and when she's supposed to be home.  She will even count down the days with him until she is off and then when the day comes she's made plans with her boyfriend and the kiddo doesn't get to spend the time he's been looking forward to with his mom, that is what I have a problem with.  

I honestly don't know why this situation bothers me so much.  I come out smelling like a rose in this whole situation, I get way more time with my son that I did when his mom and I separated, he is upset at her, not me, but still it bothers me.  Despite how I feel about my ex, I want my son to have a good relationship with both of his parents.  I do know I can't do anything to change the situation, she is an adult, the problem is she refuses to admit she is one 90% of the time, which is part of the reason she is my EX :).  

Thanks again for the input everyone!

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Permalink Reply by The Oracle on June 21, 2012 at 9:58pm

I'm guessing it bothers you because you love your kid, hate to see him upset, and are powerless to give him what he wants. Just a guess :P

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Permalink Reply by guinnessgoddess on June 22, 2012 at 9:05am

My very first thought when you said she works nights and that you drop him off to her during the daytimes is "when does she sleep?"  It sounds like a hard situation for everyone involved.  Do you know how long her night shifts will be continuing for?   If it's going to be a long term situation, you should definitely look into an agreement that acknowledges the amount of time you're spending.  As a working mother with 60% custody of my children, I can say for my own part that I've felt massive amounts of guilt for not seeing my children enough when work has been particularly busy, and that doesn't make me a crappy mom.

I'm with Oracle: I think you should bring up the crying at night without assigning blame and just keeping it in the realm of "thought you should know."  Definitely do not get in-laws involved.  

I'm in a shared custody situation as well and have to say that mediation coupled with a predictable schedule has been amazing for helping me and my daughters' father resolve our differences and spend our time with the girls in an equitable and fair way.  We reevaluate the schedule once every 4 months since I teach at a college and have a varying work schedule (his is more consistent), and once a year we meet in the presence of a mediator to discuss finances based on our changing incomes.  Mediation is a great way to have a neutral third party present to temper resentment and to offer helpful suggestions, and it's much cheaper than paying a lawyer!  We were lucky in that where we live, the province paid for a few hours of mediation because we already had a basic legal agreement, but we have continued to hire her for all major changes.  

Good luck!  And welcome!

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Permalink Reply by kommishoner on June 22, 2012 at 11:30am

I will also echo not getting the inlaws involved, especially if you're going to be taking any legal steps.  In my experience, when grandparents get involved with divorces or custody disagreements, things seem to get very emotional and very mud-slingy very, very quickly.  People are not rational about their kids, and grandparents doubly so because it's their own child and their grandchild.  It can just really, really escalate things.  Better to communicate with your ex like the co-parents that you are.
 
The Oracle said:

On the other hand, giving your ex the benefit of the doubt (which I know, I know, is very hard, after all there's a reason she's your ex, right?), if there is any way you can mention the crying without attaching it to anything in particular, I think that is the way I would go.

Because whether or not your son's nightly crying is directly due to seeing his mother less, or something else entirely, she is his mother and deserves updates on an emotional state her child is experiencing that appears to be drawn out. She can talk to him about it, she can draw her own conclusions about the reason, she can ignore it, whatever. You don't need to say, "...and it's your fault." You can say, "Just wanted to bring this to your attention, thought you should know." And then you've done your part in it.

I wouldn't get the in-laws involved, though. Obviously I don't know them (or maybe I do - what a weird coincidence that would be?) but my experience is that, no matter how close, in-law sentiments can 180 in the blink of an eye when marital (or former marital) conflict is involved. I'd walk very, very carefully there.

Also, welcome!

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Permalink Reply by guinnessgoddess on June 22, 2012 at 5:38pm

Oh, and I was going to add re: mediation that our mediator suggested the girls dad and I set up a coffee time once a month to check in on the girls, to share stories about what they'd been up to, and any issues we'd noticed.  We only met a couple times like that and now we mostly get that out in e-mail or on the occasional time we meet face-to-face when he drops off the kids or vice versa (we usually just collect them directly from childcare).  In any case, it was really helpful, because instead of a we-only-talk-when-there's-a-problem, it turned into a case whereby we talked regularly enough and it was a good enough balance of happy stories and concerns that nobody ever felt blamed.  

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Permalink Reply by Kat on June 24, 2012 at 3:00pm

In my experience of custody and visitation, if one parent is resisting visitation then there's probably a good reason to allow that parent to decrease their time. Pushing them to spend more time doesn't increase the quality of the visits, only the quantity. Younger Son's dad is a real winner. Instead of trying to stick to a schedule, which Younger's dad always derails, instead I often wait until I know the idiot is in the car on his way over and then say, "YAY!! Daddy's on his way!!". I know, it is not ideal but it minimizes my son's disappointment and puts a positive spin on things. It would be fantastic if he could just be a grown up, but that ain't happening anytime soon.

I have spent a lot of time trying to accept my sons' dads for who they are, and what they CAN bring to the parenting table, instead of focusing on the things they CANNOT bring to the table. Square peg, round hole does not work in child custody/visitation arrangements.

Custody arrangements can and should be re-examined as life goes on. Maybe shared custody sounded like a good idea to everyone in the beginning, but now that you are in the thick of it, maybe your ex-wife realizes it is not something she can really do. Sounds like you are able to take the lead role better than she can. A lot of mothers feel obligated to be the primary care taker, but not all of us are cut out to be that parent. Maybe it would be better if your were the custodial parent, and she was the non-custodial parent with liberal visitation. I don't know. That's something you need to work out.

In the meantime, take your son and you to counseling, that usually helps with the logistics and how everyone is feeling.

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