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I'm to blame for EVERYTHING.
My oldest, D, has ADHD. As a bonus they through ODD (Oppositional Defiance Disorder) into the diagnosis mix. He's been on meds for about a year and once we figured out the correct meds and dose for him they really help him in school. The problem is when the meds wear off or in the morning before they kick in.
The problem is this: He blames me for EVERYTHING. If he's not blaming me, he's blaming someone else. He seems totally incapable for taking any sort of responsibility for any of his actions. And to be honest, I'm not actually sure the meds really help with this at all. I think the meds just help him make better decisions (or slow his brain down enough that he can think about things before he does something).
For example, this morning he spends 10 minuted getting 1 shoe on his foot, not even tying it. I walk over to him and say "hey D," about to ask him what kind of sandwich he is wanting in his lunch. before I get the question out he screams that I made him mess up on tying his shoe. This kind of thing happens ALL THE TIME. He blames me for talking too much when he is having trouble with his homework (I'm usually not even talking at all). He blames me for not being able to button his pants (because he's doing it sitting down cross-legged). He blames me for him being hungry (even though I offer him plenty of healthy snacks and a good dinner). He even blames me for the mess in his room because his little brother played with him for a little bit. He blames his teacher for taking his toys because he snuck them to school. I mean the list goes on and on.
And on top of all this, he argues with me about everything. And when I tell him to stop arguing with me he argues that he's not arguing. Sometimes I feel like my brain is about to explode.
I have tried being understanding of his position and firmly explaining that I am the mom and I am in charge. I have tried yelling, pleading, ignoring, sarcasm, being nice, etc. I have even tried letting his just get away with some of it because honestly, I'm so tired of the power struggle. My mom says he treats me like this because he feels safe with me and not with my husband who gets just about none of this. But no matter what the position I take none of it makes one bit of difference. The consequences of his actions have little effect on him. Take away toys? No big deal, he just finds something else to do. Being late to school because he can't figure out how to put his shoes on all of a sudden? Who cares? It's just school.
I'm at the end of my rope. My fuse is so short now after living this day after day after day. And although it's not D's fault, I'm going through some other stuff in my life and I just don't know how much more I can take.
Help me hivemind. give me some suggestions that I maybe haven't tried yet.
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Joe Mama on -
This is an overwhelming situation, I'm sorry you both (you and D) have to deal with this. It sounds like he is constantly working at a level of frustration that must be exhausting for you both. I'm not a trained therapist, but it might be helpful to have a third person help set some guidelines for some particularly common situations and then be REALLY consistent - you can't cheat because you are tired or in a hurry or any of the other reasons we let things slide.
You know its not your fault, right?
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Permalink Reply by kommishoner on -
It's not your fault. He feels out of control and stuck and is lashing out at the person he knows will love him even through his (perceived) failure and frustration. The ADHD/ODD symptoms may also be increasing his frustration because he knows he needs to do things but his disability is preventing him from being able to. So he's mad at himself but can't beat himself up any more than he already is, so is lashing out at you, both because you're nearest and because he's asking you to prove that he is lovable even through his failures. I would try therapy + consistency, and reminders that you love him and you see he's trying and that you can work together to get his shoes tied/pants buttoned. He may lash out still but at least he's hearing that you love him.
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Permalink Reply by mightyninjamom on -
I've never heard of ODD, so I had to look it up. And one of the main symptoms/signs was the child blaming others for things. So definitely not your fault. No, no, no. Not your fault. At all.
Just out of curiosity, who gave the diagnosis? If it was a pediatrician, did they recommend any kind of behavioral therapy that might help?
I know not all parents are into herbal/homeopathic remedies, but if you're interested, message me.
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Permalink Reply by The Oracle on -
Therapy therapy therapy therapy. Preferably family therapy so everyone can be on board. And lots of self-compassion. ODD is not easy. ADHD is not easy. Combined with other issues you mentioned, I can imagine you're at the end of your rope. You all need someone to guide you through and support you. Hugs!
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Permalink Reply by Andromeda on -
Thanks everyone. yes. therapy. We should go. I know it's not my fault, but that doesn't stop me from feeling like I perpetuate the situation sometimes. Patience has never been a virtue of mine.
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Permalink Reply by wookie on -
It's not your fault. It really really isn't. It's not even his fault. It just sucks.
Therapy might not give you more patience, but it will give you and your spouse different tools to deal with those challenging behaviors. I know I always feel a lot less hopeless if I have some kind of plan and backup. My littlest has no diagnosis at all, but he and I lock horns in a power struggle that has often only been resolved by a 3rd party (my spouse, who works out of the home a LOT).
Therapy might also be quite helpful for your son directly... teaching about how to deal better with the anger it seems like he has (I have no idea if that is what is going on in ODD or not). I sort of feel like all the therapy I've ever been involved in is kind of about training behaviors... if normally you get anxious and do destructive thing X, now we're going to work on identifying when you are getting anxious and instead do this okay thing Y.
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Permalink Reply by Annaevilred on -
My youngest has the a very similar diagnosis and was a holy terror that I really thought about mailing very far away from me several times a week until we figured out the correct medication program.
Therapy for the child is vital, Brandon was 2x per week for over a year at one point. He’s now out of therapy but it’s an open option if he needs it again at some point.
We have a very strict routine during the school week, out of bed and straight to the kitchen for his pill, hit the bathroom and back to bedroom to get dressed. The TV does not come on until shoes are one, back pack is waiting by the door and breakfast is in hand, 10-15 mins of tv and then out the door. By this time the meds have kicked in and he’s good to go. I’m the only one who can get him up and going, if Dad or anyone else “helps” it turns into a big fight.
With Brandon's meds it’s very important to take them at the same time every day (I want to say it’s a timed release and wears off just right about dinner time-ish). He also has a short acting pill that he can take during the day if he’s having a hard time.
The main big thing is routine, ODD kids do not deal with change very well. We had a day chart at school and one for home that said what we were doing and when. (BIG thing is to get the teacher on board with this)
One thing the therapist had us doing is when Brandon was having a total melt down was to walk away. Don’t feed into the behaviors but don’t just ignore them. Do a firm “This is not the way to behave, when you are ready we can fix whatever” . If he starts blaming you for everything just calmly say something to the effect of “No I don’t think so”. And walk away. (much easier to do when at home). Big praise on the good behavior and a firm but calm redirecting of the bad behavior.
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Permalink Reply by MamatothaMax on -
Yes to counseling. We see one every couple of weeks for Mojo's ADHD and ODD.
Mojo gets a time release dose of Focalin before school. We noticed it would wear off right around the time he got home from school. His dr suggested giving him a smaller dose( 1/4) to get him through the evening and homework (which is a big struggle when the meds have worn off). He gets home, gets his afternoon medicine, he has an hour to play and then he does his homework. It really wasn't an issue until last year when real homework started coming home, 3rd grade.
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Permalink Reply by Andromeda on
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yeah, D gets concerta before school then a very small bump of ritalin when he gets home. otherwise homework would not get done at all. i just realized yesterday that i fucked up his meds this month. the Dr. gives us 3 months of written scripts at a time. i thought the last one i turned in was early feb, but it must have been late jan. the next one won't be filled until march 2 and we are out of meds right now. and of course i found out at 5pm on a friday the pharmacy wouldn't fill the next one. fuck. this weekend will kind of suck. must have patience.....
i have a call into a therapist, but he hasn't called me back yet. now i'm wondering if i forgot to give my phone number when i left the message. in my defense, i was very sick when i called. i think i will call him back on tuesday. Question though: what kind of things should i look for in the therapist? i'm kind of clueless. i don't want to get a few sessions into it and realize he isn't good. (that's how it was with our first marriage counselor) i asked for only referrals who have lots of experience with ADHD so hopefully the guy does.
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Permalink Reply by The Oracle on
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Experience is important, yes, but most important IMO is that you are all comfortable with the therapist. I'd also advise asking not just about experience with the diagnosis but also with kids AND, importantly, with family systems. Because the Dx is just the focal point but it affects every individual in the family and the family as a whole. If you have a therapist who's exclusively focused on D, he or she is going to be missing the whole context in which D operates. That is super important. I'd also ask about interface with school personnel: will he or she do it and if so, how and under what circumstances? The idea is not to focus on "fixing" D so much as helping the environment support his strengths and assist him in coping with/managing his challenges better.
I'm writing this on my phone and can't go back to review or edit, so I hope I made sense :)
Andromeda said:yeah, D gets concerta before school then a very small bump of ritalin when he gets home. otherwise homework would not get done at all. i just realized yesterday that i fucked up his meds this month. the Dr. gives us 3 months of written scripts at a time. i thought the last one i turned in was early feb, but it must have been late jan. the next one won't be filled until march 2 and we are out of meds right now. and of course i found out at 5pm on a friday the pharmacy wouldn't fill the next one. fuck. this weekend will kind of suck. must have patience.....
i have a call into a therapist, but he hasn't called me back yet. now i'm wondering if i forgot to give my phone number when i left the message. in my defense, i was very sick when i called. i think i will call him back on tuesday. Question though: what kind of things should i look for in the therapist? i'm kind of clueless. i don't want to get a few sessions into it and realize he isn't good. (that's how it was with our first marriage counselor) i asked for only referrals who have lots of experience with ADHD so hopefully the guy does.
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Permalink Reply by The Oracle on
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Which is not to say you shouldn't want certain behaviors "fixed"
because clearly that's part of what's needed. I just mean that shouldn't, in good therapy, be the exclusive focus. There is soooo much more than behavior and it all gets mixed up together in the soup.
God, I miss doing therapy.
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Permalink Reply by Andromeda on
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Thanks Oracle. That gives me a starting point.
Turns out I did give the guy my # he just decided to wait 5 days to call me back and tell me he isn't taking new patients. um.. thanks for the prompt response. back to square 1.... a week later because you know, these things can wait.
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