How do you when enough is enough?

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Permalink Reply by Daddy Geek Boy on August 6, 2009 at 11:29am

I have not had a relationship as long as yours end, but for me it was hard to tell when my relationship was over with my ex fiance. There was a lot of (constant) fighting and an inability to agree on anything. However, we were young and didn't' have kids and breaking up was easier to do.

Have you guys tried counseling?

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Permalink Reply by RBridwell on August 6, 2009 at 11:49am

Thanks edamame!

And DGB, counseling isn't an option for him as he simply doesn't believe in it. I'm sure if the line in the sand was drawn he'd drag himself there, but is that really what I deserve?

I guess what I'm really asking is, is it normal to wake up in a marriage and feel empty? To look over at the other person and think, "WTF was I thinking?" All of my energy has been focused on trying to keep him happy, be a good wife, mom, empolyee, friend etc, that when I am out of steam I realize that I'm the only one making an effort. We've experienced the ups and downs, but this is like a really low down. Like roomates living in the house together. And I recoginize that while a he's a great dad, that alone doesn't make him a great (or even good) husband.

Maybe this is just another bump in the road.

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Permalink Reply by The Oracle on August 6, 2009 at 12:04pm

I don't know either but thought I would pass along the following article that a therapist friend of mine posted on FB today: http://tinyurl.com/n8hv4q

It's a really interesting and different take on how to deal with those bumps in the road.

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Permalink Reply by Andromeda on August 6, 2009 at 12:44pm

i have not had a relationship as long as yours end, but i can commiserate with your feelings. in fact, we have been there too. my husband didn't believe in counseling either. i told him straight up, "hey. if things don't change, if we don't at least TRY counseling, then this marriage WILL end in divorce. no question about that." he got the picture. we went a few times (until our therapist decided he didn't want to take our insurance anymore) and we learned a few things about communicating with each other. things did not get better right away, it took a really long time actually. ok, things are still a struggle, but we are both learning.

and you know, there is no rule about having to go to marriage counseling together. i mean, go by yourself. his curiosity will get the better of him (probably) and he might decide to go. if not, then hey, you get the benefit of having someone to help you sort out your feelings and options.

good luck. know that the hive mind will always be here to help you sort it all out. or we can make you laugh. or cry. who knows, but it will be really very!

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Permalink Reply by Lea on August 6, 2009 at 1:16pm

ha, my husband is being a total butthead about money lately, but otherwise we usually communicate really well.

And that is my only solution, is talk to him about how you feel and ask what you both can do to make it better. Tell him what you need to be happy in the relationship.

When I was in other long relationships I knew it was over when I could no longer keep myself form cheating. I know lame, but I was young and at least not married. NOw that I am married I will not cheat. and If I am unhappy I tell him or he tells me and we work on it.

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Permalink Reply by sasychica on August 6, 2009 at 1:41pm

I am in the process of divorce. We were married 8 years (as of Tuesday- happy anniversary to me) together for 10 years. I knew I could not stay in the marriage when I realized I felt like a part of my soul was dying- sounds dramatic, but that is how I felt. The personal sacrifice of staying in the marriage was too great for me to bare. It took a really long time for me to decide I was really done.

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Permalink Reply by mightyninjamom on August 6, 2009 at 2:29pm

Ugh, RB...I'm sorry. That really sucks. After 7 years, it may just be that he is taking you for granted. I think one of the hardest things about marriage is that it IS work. And you have to do it every day, or little by little things start a downward spiral. I know for me personally, I find that I generally have to give my husband a gentle nudge in the right direction every once in a while.

I think for any relationship, if you feel like you are the only one putting work into it, then there's trouble. If your partner isn't going to pony up their share of what makes things tick, then there's a problem as well.

I think it's a good idea for you to try a counselor by yourself first. It may help you clarify how you are feeling, and put a name to the problems. Then maybe you can try talking to your husband again and see if it's any better.

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Permalink Reply by wookie on August 6, 2009 at 5:08pm

As usual, mnm says what I wanted to say but much better.

I think it is pretty common to feel like you're the one putting in all the work and being taken for granted. What's more surprising is that often *both* parties feel the same way. If there is a lot of emotional baggage surfacing and it's causing him to lash out at you, it is very fair to say "Look, I can tell you're really hurting, but I'm not your enemy, and it's not fair for you to hurt me."

It's hard to know truly what another person is feeling, but if one party has completely disconnected from the marriage and the family, it's a pretty bad situation. Try not to make assumptions about where someone else is at, emotionally... it's a dangerous supposition. All you can speak for is you, and you are the only person for whose feelings and responses you are responsible for.

Good luck.

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Permalink Reply by StitchyWench on August 6, 2009 at 5:23pm

I've got nothing to help. I've been with the same person for ever. But I do know that we've had many ups and many very lows. If you can get through those lows together you are always stronger for it. And learning to communicate is really the most important part of any relationship.

There's a reason they call it the seven year itch, BTW. It is very normal to feel empty sometimes. The key is finding if you CAN feel full with each other again.

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Permalink Reply by Mamawho on August 6, 2009 at 5:38pm

When I realized that I dreaded going home from work, I knew it was time to call it quits. I found myself taking the long way home and driving around in the country instead of going home, even though I was exhausted.

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Permalink Reply by jenra on August 7, 2009 at 9:40am

The best marriage advice I ever got was that sometimes I would fucking hate that motherfucker and sometimes that might last a year or more. It happened! lol I have yet to want to physically hurt him or kill him (thank gawd); but there was a year that I couldn't freaking stand him. So, yes, I'd say that it is normal to go through periods of time like that.

That time when you've had enough, well, that's different for everyone. Someone told me once that you can make things work with just about any person; provided they were not an abuser, and addict, and were willing at least on some level to build a life with you. Once that life has been built, sometimes there's an ebb and flow of who's pulling the most weight and who is along for the ride. This year, The Mister has been pulling my dead weight around; there have been other years where I took care of him more. And yet others where we were symbiotic.

I did have a couple serious relationships end, but they were of the 2-3 years variety. I left because I knew I did not want to be with that person forever, they were not a person I was willing to pay the price of admission to be with http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6ObrFwjesno I didn't want to have kids with them, I didn't want my family to be forced to be around them, didn't want THEM anymore. Maybe I could have made things work had I been interested in trying, but I wasn't.

When you were younger and dating; did you ever have the feeling when a relationship ended where you were just puzzled at what happened to end it? Like, you were fine on Sunday afternoon but by Tuesday there was no more relationship? It's kind of like that in a marriage, but it's longer. We were fine in April of that specific year, what happened by that July that things got so terrible? How did things unravel so badly that by October I was scanning the apartment rental ads?

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Permalink Reply by JTX on August 17, 2009 at 8:06pm

punchI'm hoping that your bad day is long gone, but just in case... it could very well be a rough patch. I don't think you can live with another human being (or even a fuzzy creature) without once in a while hating each other's very soul. My husband and I have been through some really tough shit over the last 14 years (holy crap, 14 years?) and I will agree with the posters here that marriage is work, you trade who is carrying weight, and it's probably never going to be as romantic as it was in the beginning.

That last is the most shitty concept for me -- I'm a crazy bitch but an incurable romantic underneath it all, and I still wonder how I ended up with a guy who doesn't know it's my birthday. I'm the type who hides little gifts all over the house, throws surprise parties, and celebrates every milestone.

I am a firm believer in therapy, but marriage counseling can be very hard. Finding ways to talk it out is crucial, whether in the presence of a trained professional or not. Wanna know something goofy? The way my husband and I talk out the most difficult discussions is over instanta messenger. You can make faces at the screen, cry, punch the desk... but it takes a lot of the emotion (which can cause defensiveness and mean comments) out of the picture.

My other recommendation is to find something new you can do together. Take a class, rent a TV series you can watch together for the first time -- find something new that ties you. And good luck@!

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