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how do you make IRL friendships?
I had no problems making friends in school, but now that i'm not at school anymore, I don't seem to have many places to turn to for making friends. I know people, i know LOTS of people, but I feel a complete disconnect from most of them. maybe it's me. it's probably me really.
i've tried making friends with my son's play-friend's parents but i think i'm just too weird for them. one actually said that to me. "god, you're just so... weird. i don't even know why we're friends." needless to say that was the last time we ever spoke.
i'm not as outgoing as i used to be, probably because of all the rejection i've felt. i'd introduce one friend to another and they would hit it off and then i wouldn't be getting calls from either one anymore. shit like that has happened a lot to me over the last 10 years.
even my BFF seems to not have time for me. I try to get together with her, but she always has other things going on or won't commit to anything with me. she has plenty of time for her SIL, but i feel like i just don't measure up on the importance scale anymore. when i tried to tell her that i was feeling very lonely these days and i'm having a hard time connecting with new people she basically told me it's my fault because i'm just not putting out that i'm fun. or something. while she's probably right, i guess i just needed some understanding and a coffee date. not blame. i know i'm not the life of the party right now. i'm dealing with some crappy shit and i need a friend that i can talk to. i don't even need to talk about all the crappy shit. just talk about anything!
anyway, how do you do it? how do you meet new people? how do you meet new people when you don't feel your best? how do you make connections to other parents when you can't really tell what you have in common?
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Herasmus B. Dragon on
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When you find out, please tell me. I only have friends online. I like my coworkers but I don't know if I'd have a beer with them, because I don't feel I can be myself at work.
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Permalink Reply by Bigkrygowski on -
We are getting pretty tight with their pizza guy though he only stops by when we call and are willing to give him money. Bunny thinks I brush off the jehovah's witnesses when they stop by but I can't have friends that dress better than me.
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Permalink Reply by YoYoWannaBe on -
What's so special about parents? All it takes is the ability to f*ck. OK, I'm being a bit facetious but I think that after the kids get to a certain age, why limit your social set to parents? If you do, you'll be stuck in parenting topics forever, and that's a special form of hell. Who were you before you were a mom?
I've made some very good friends through my Aikido classes. Cool group of people and they are more likely than the average person to have other esoteric interests. Shorter: they're weird like us. Margaret has mostly maintained contacts she had from her childhood or from former jobs.
And OFFSPRUNG meet-ups too, if somebody would get down to PA more often hint-hint-hint.
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Permalink Reply by YoYoWannaBe on
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I also made quite a few good friends through Toastmasters. But for me, it's been non-religious group activities. I've found that being a parent isn't enough to make a friendship.
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Permalink Reply by TommysMommy on -
A - you know I'd hang out with you right? ;)
My biggest problem seems to be breaking into the groups. Everyone already seems to have a BFF or a group of people they've known forever. Even when I joined the local mom/baby group when Himself was about 4 months, I wasn't there at the beginning since we were having serious BF issues and I could barely manage getting dressed, never mind getting out of the house, and by the time we made it, people had paired off already. We still hang out in the big group, but I'm rarely, if ever, the one someone calls to have coffee or a playdate with. I spend more time talking to you guys on line than I do to people IRL. Which is kinda sad, but I'm glad you guys are all here!
I went out for pedis and dinner with a friend who is having real fertility issues right now. We talked about everything under the sun and it felt so good. I think I just have to get into the habit of getting out there with people again. Making the effort. Telling Hubby he has to do dinner and bed for the kids. And doing the same for him because he doesn't get out nearly enough either.
I feel your pain.
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Permalink Reply by ks on -
Honestly, I don't make IRL friends very easily at all. I never really have. So I have a few friends in town that I have lunch with every so often--one from class and one who is the sister of a very good friend of mine who lives in NC. Other than that, I have my sisters who live far away and very few old friends who live far away, so we don't get to hang out. Plus OS friends and another online group I've been a part of for about 10 years now, who I also don't get to hang out with often.
So if you figure out how to do it, let me know. Because I could definitely do with an expanded social circle.
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Permalink Reply by mightyninjamom on -
heck if I know - I'm terrible at it! I've had the best luck meeting up with OS folks. Then there is very little awkwardness because these are people I've already shared stories with about poop, breastfeeding, money woes, sex and death. And ks is really funny in IRL. If people don't like her right off the bat, they obviously have a stick up their arse.
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Permalink Reply by Andromeda on -
as far as the parent thing goes, i guess i'd like some people who kind of understand the place i'm at in life. i have some friends w/o kids who just assume that because i have reproduced then that means i'm dead or something. no calls for dinner, drinks, a saturday at the park, movies, ect. the few friends i have with kids are far flung-the closest being my BFF who lives 45 minutes away.
and you know, it is harder to just drop everything to hang out with friends when you have kids. i get it. so i would love to be able to have dinner/playdates with families that get along with all of us. unfortunately, most people don't really like my husband because he's pretty uninteresting and becomes pretty boring to hang out with. the feeling's mutual though. i can't tell you how many times he just went home to watch TV when we were having dinner at our neighbor's house and hanging out (when we lived at our last place). he's just not interested in having friends or being social. so, it gets kind of isolating for me.
i've met a few people through the atheist group i belong to, but again, i have a hard time connecting to people. and now my husband works the nights of the meet-ups so i can't even make it anymore. his schedule makes it hard to get involved in anything because i'm on mama-duty 24/7. so yeah, someone else with kids about my kid's age would make things much easier these days. i know it won't last forever though. i just don't know how long i can go with FB being my only social outlet.
YoYoWannaBe said:What's so special about parents? All it takes is the ability to f*ck. OK, I'm being a bit facetious but I think that after the kids get to a certain age, why limit your social set to parents? If you do, you'll be stuck in parenting topics forever, and that's a special form of hell. Who were you before you were a mom?
I've made some very good friends through my Aikido classes. Cool group of people and they are more likely than the average person to have other esoteric interests. Shorter: they're weird like us. Margaret has mostly maintained contacts she had from her childhood or from former jobs.
And OFFSPRUNG meet-ups too, if somebody would get down to PA more often hint-hint-hint.
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Permalink Reply by Andromeda on
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not that i've met many of you guys, but i do love to hang out with FutureFox when we get the chance!!
mightyninjamom said:heck if I know - I'm terrible at it! I've had the best luck meeting up with OS folks. Then there is very little awkwardness because these are people I've already shared stories with about poop, breastfeeding, money woes, sex and death. And ks is really funny in IRL. If people don't like her right off the bat, they obviously have a stick up their arse.
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Permalink Reply by Joe Mama on -
Count me in the clueless friend-making camp. I'm okay with the co-worker chat thing, but I'm toast past that.
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Permalink Reply by ks on
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Thank you, mnm. I have a reputation among my family as being the boring, 'not very fun' one, so that's nice to hear.
mightyninjamom said:
heck if I know - I'm terrible at it! I've had the best luck meeting up with OS folks. Then there is very little awkwardness because these are people I've already shared stories with about poop, breastfeeding, money woes, sex and death. And ks is really funny in IRL. If people don't like her right off the bat, they obviously have a stick up their arse.
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Permalink Reply by jenra on -
I so very much prefer to be around people that are weird. I'd hang out with you! I find myself getting stuck in this rut of feeling like nobody wants to hang out with me and I realize that I haven't been asking anyone to come over or go out for coffee at a kid friendly place. When I do see someone we talk about how we "should get together sometime" and nobody ever does anything about it.
A few years ago I started to be friends with a lady who made some similar comments, I felt like she genuinely did like me and want to be my friend but she just made these comments so often it made me feel self concious to even open my mouth around her. Things like, "God you are wacky! Only you would come up with something like that." or, "Aren't you FUN? I've never known anyone like you before, you're weird." I think she was trying to compliment but it came out back-handed.
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