An irreverent, inclusive, alternative parenting community

Holy Crap, Now What?

Older Son is 15. Freshman in high school. We have had all the requisite "talks" -- sex, drugs, alcohol, contraception, masturbation, girls menstrual cycles, no-means-no. You name it, his dad (ex-husband) and I have talked to the boy about it (much to his chagrin, ha ha). He's at the age where he's clearly interested in the opposite sex, but is still just looking. No kissing (or anything else just yet). We just change a lot of sheets. And I'm not rushing him. He's got the rest of his life, right?

Anyhow, I was feeling like I had covered ever possible scenario and then get walloped with this one.

Neighbor Kid, who we have known since he was in 2nd grade and Older Son was in 3rd grade, spends a lot of time at our house. Older Son is not allowed over to his house (an older brother that cusses and drinks, firearms, untrained pit bull... you name it... sweet people, just cluelessly reckless.)

In recent years, I have noticed that Older Son is definitely outgrowning Neighbor Kid, but they are still hanging out because they live physically close to each other, and they have been friends for a long time.

Note that Older Son has high-functioning autism, and Neighbor Kid has some sort of cognitive delay (Older Son will say .... "Neighbor Kid is like a 7-year-old in a 13-year-old's body). That sort of nails it. And since the onset of puberty, Neighbor Kid has been really moody and sometimes really a pain in the ass. Had to talk to him a few times about his behavior -- he'll get mad and throw a remote control, or storm out if he doesn't get his way. That sort of thing. His parents are very nice, but really clueless. I don't think they are addressing a lot of the puberty outbursts. He is their "baby" and he just is "so sweet". Ugh. Also, I think he's on some meds and the parents aren't really keeping tabs on what the side effects are.

Still, he's that kid in the neighborhood who you just know your kid will still have in his life when you are 54, ya know? Shared history and all.

All of this back story brings me to the incident that happened the other night.

While Older Son and Neighbor Kid were in Older Son's room playing video games and listening to music, Neighbor Kid asked Older Son if he could perform oral sex on Older Son.

And he didn't just ask once, he went on and on about it. Trying to convince Older Son. Even telling him that he does it to another friend of his (who we don't know, but know of). This other kid has autism and I'm not entirely sure he's submitting to this voluntarily. Neighbor Kid can be annoyingly persistant about everything, and he's fired up on hormones right now.

Luckily, Older Son came to me with this. He is a bit shaken by it.

In the best case, he has a gay or bisexual friend who made a pass at him.

In the worst case, he has a very confused friend who may or may not continue to try to wear him down, and may or may not be doing that to other vulnerable children.

I assured Older Son he had done the right thing. He said no, he said it was time to go downstairs. They joined us all the in living room and he waited until Neighbor Kid left before telling me about it.

SO NOW WHAT? Do I tell the mother? She won't be really receptive. I doubt she even thinks of him as sexually active. Do I talk to the kid? What about the other kid? I have no way of letting that mother know, I don't know the family.

I never in a million years anticipated THIS.

0 members like this

▶ Reply to This

Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Mommy Monster on May 14, 2012 at 9:20am

That was the first thought that jumped into my mind too.

Herasmus B. Dragon said:

The first thing that jumped to my mind is, what if there's an adult in NK's life who is taking advantage of his mental delay to get BJs out of NK, and NK is taking that to other people?

▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by Mommy Monster on May 14, 2012 at 9:23am

I have to agree with the others - what a huge thing for him to come to you. He handled it really well! A true gold star parenting moment, so just revel in that before taking a deep breath and pressing on to the next layer of crap....which I have to think is talking to the parents. I agree that approaching from a perspective of concern is probably the way to go.

▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by G to the G on May 14, 2012 at 10:47am

Agreed with MM - really take a minute and back yourself on the back on your awesome parenting! He handled it REALLY well.

Good luck - let us know what you decide... To throw in my 2 cents - I'd say contact his parents and have a talk with him about it too... otherwise I just don't know if I would feel comfortable having him around anymore.

▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by rommie on May 14, 2012 at 3:31pm

Add me to the list of people whose first thought was that NK's being sexually abused. Contacting his parents would probably be best, but with my head so stuck in a foster care mindset lately and would be worried about the parents themselves. If I have my numbers correct, something like 20% of SA cases in kids under the age of 12 is perpetrated by the father, though it's more common for boys to be abused by non-immediate family members than it is for girls.

I am so, so glad that your son was comfortable enough to tell you what happened--I know there's no way I could've told my mom. Major props to you!

▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by GreenLantern on May 16, 2012 at 4:36pm

Put me on the list that I thought "NK is being abused" as well, either from a family member or some other kid. You HAVE to talk with NK's parents about this. I'm interested in hearing if you do, what their reaction is.