Helping a girl out

So for many months now, I've suspected that my daughter has feelings for an older boy - by older I mean in grade not in age. She's been a bit testy the last few weeks and finally last night she told me why. She has a thing for a boy - but he doesn't know she exists (or so she thinks).

My daughter is quite beautiful, she also has a lot of great attributes like brains, talent, etc. She just can't seem to get it through her head that she's a catch. So she's decided, in her head, that he could never like somebody like her - a sixy (as the sixth graders are called by all other middle schoolers, the kid-world over).

While I'm fantastically proud of myself for having figured this one out without her help, all of my veiled advice and prodding has not helped. So yesterday she finally broke down and bared all. I gave her the best overt advice I could, "Don't let this be a 'crush'. You realize they don't call it a 'sweet bed of roses'? It's a heart-breaking word to describe a heart crushing experience. In kid world, you can do one of two things: a) sit quietly by pining in pain or b) put it out there and see what happens."

We've talked about how hard it is to take that step, to be vulnerable. We've talked about not being willing to say yes just because somebody asked. And now, we've talked about being brave and unafraid to live your life to the fullest. But I get it - it's hard. In some ways, it's also far easier today than it was back in my day.

I told her the story of this boy I accidentally had in my class for a day when I was in 8th grade. I crushed on him so hard it was pathetic. But I didn't know him. I didn't know his friends, my friends didn't know his friends - I had no in. No excuse to talk to him. Nobody to pass him a note or a message that said, "Hey stupid - this girl who goes out of her way to pass you between classes (every day) and stares at you like a dork, she totally big squishy heart, loves you!"

Today the kids have facebook, and cell phones.

My first question was, "Have you friended him on facebook?"

She hasn't.

"Well then, what are you waiting for? You kids are friends with at least 20 people you only know in theory (in that you go to the same school and maybe once saw each other - or you are good friends with their good friend's neighbor). Friend him, then send him a direct message saying simply, 'Hey, we ride the bus together every day. You seem very nice (and cute - or insert your preferred adjective, that doesn't just say you want to be his buddy, here) I'd like to get to know you better.'"

She thinks that is too immature.

"So tell your friend (gave her a name of a good friend whom she helped get with a boy this girl liked, a few months ago - and helped her break up with a few weeks after that) to tell him you think he's cute and give him your cell number to text you."

She thinks that is too sixy, too.

"News flash babe, you are a sixy! And there is nothing wrong with using notes and friends to initiate a relationship that you are interested in entering in to. It is only wrong to do so with some creeper just because he likes you - regardless of your feelings. And it is only silly if you refuse to use these methods to get to a place where you partake in real face-to-face contact. How do you think people meet each other? Even adults trust a wing-man (or wing-woman) and ask friends to introduce them to somebody. That's how life works."

So my girl, who absolutely HATES all love movies, seems to have come to a place where she thinks the movies are somewhat real. That people meet by chance some day and have random conversations that spark a romance. She believes you can obsess over him from afar, and leave him love clues to track you down (a la Amelie). I think if our talk yesterday accomplished anything - it was that the movies are not real in ALL ways, not just in the happy endings don't really exist ways. 

I just hate seeing her so scared to act. So sad turtle-in-her-shell. So full of doubt that she's worthy of any one's admiration.

Perhaps I'm crazy, but I pushed a little. "Don't be afraid to live the life of a sixy - you know it can be quite fun! And what makes you great is not your refusal to partake in the sixy life-style, it is your insistence that you will only do so for somebody that is worth it. From what you've told me of this boy - that he's not a pervert; that you like him not because he's adorable but rather because he is a nice boy who treats the girls around him with respect; well then, clearly he's worth it. The absolute worst thing that could happen by you letting him know is that you could make his day, he turns you down nicely and perhaps you open the door to a friendship. Best case scenario he's happy, he wants to get to know you and either you find you don't really like him that way or you do like each other."

So now we wait to see if she makes a move. How strange am I? So many of my friends are afraid their kids will have a boyfriend or write love notes on the internet or their phone. I just trust my daughter. I know that she's a great kid who deserves to have a fun cute kid relationship where you write each other notes, maybe kiss, and definitely learn a lot more about love than you will ever learn from watching cheesy love movies!