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Former BFFs and unresolved issues
I have a former BFF (K) who I no longer speak to. I'm not entirely sure why we aren't speaking other than we had a falling out and we both needed time to cool off. A few months later I had a missed call from K so I texted her back. I got a text from her saying that no, she had not called me but she missed me and she would really like to get together to talk and when I was ready she would be available. (For the record, she had originally hung up on me so I had been waiting for a call back from her when she was ready) So we made plans for the following Sunday. Sunday came and she cancelled. Next Sunday then. That day came and well, no she had other plans. The next Sunday then. Here comes Sunday and she's on her period and doesn't feel like leaving the house. Ummm... OK. I'm starting to feel like she really isn't that into talking to me. I'm busy for the next few weeks, so I email her the following month. Nothing. Call her and leave her a voice message for her birthday. Nothing. Send her a text message a few weeks later. Nothing. Send another text the following month. Nothing. Finally I send her something like, "So that's it then? You don't want to speak to me?" I get a text sayiong, "I'll email you." That was in July and I haven't heard a thing. (The original falling out was at the beginning of January.)
So, It's probably safe to say the friendship is over. Which is sad and actually makes me very very angry. K had been my best friend since high school. She signed my marriage license. She accompanied me and my husband into the OR when D was born. I was there for the birth of her son. I have a lot emotionally invested in this relationship and I feel very angry that she thinks nothing of just throwing it away. She said some pretty hurtful things to me so I'm pretty angry at just her too. The problem is, I can't deal with it being unresolved. I have a very hard time not knowing why she had the sudden change of heart. If she doesn't want to be friends anymore I feel like I have at least earned the right to know why.
I have tried talking to my counselor about this issue because I think it has a lot to do with why I am having such a hard time socially. I mean, here is a woman who had become my sister. Then she left me. My sister that is related to me by blood has also left me and did some very bad things to my family. I have had many "friends" just drop me over the last few years and I'm feeling very abandoned. The counselor has proven to be no real help in this issue. All she had said was "Well, no one wants to hang out with a 'debbie downer.'" (in reference to me and my depression) I feel like my whole support system has vanished. Maybe my depression has gone on too long, I don't know. All I do know is I have a very hard time trusting the women in my life. Granted, there aren't many left. (You women are great though. I like all you just fine. However, I suppose I would be terrified of you all if you knew me in real life)
So I feel like sending K 1 last email asking why she has terminated our friendship and letting her know that I feel very betrayed by her. Maybe it could serve her well in future relationships, but mostly because I want her to know I am hurting. I probably shouldn't send it, right? If you were in my position would you? What would you say?
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Joe Mama on -
"no one likes a Debbie Downer"?? WTF!?! Unless this therapist has been AMAZING at helping you face important truths then it sounds like it is time to move on from at least ONE relationship in your life.
I think you are right that K has moved on, but I don't know you will find any satisfaction by writing her again unless you can gain enough distance from your own honest and reasonable pain to create a letter that is remarkably passionless. To ask for information to help you understand is completely fair but it is really easy to walk away from the challenge of explaining a decision that has caused someone else pain. If K doesn't answer your texts or emails now, chances are good she won't answer next time and you will have once again put yourself out there.
(by the way - of course your depression has gone on too long, even one day is too long, but you shouldn't blame yourself because you haven't figured out how to flip a magic switch to feel better.)
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Permalink Reply by ruth on -
First of all, I completely agree with JM; your counselor is incompetent and I really hope you can find someone else. Take it from me, there are a LOT of crappy therapists out there, so it often takes a little shopping around to find someone who is competent AND a good fit for you. But I do hope you'll keep trying. I've been dealing with depression for years, and I know how shitty it can be.
As for K, I agree with JM that when you write this email, it would be great if you can do it from a place of being ok with it if you don't get an answer. It does seem awfully abrupt to you, but maybe she had been feeling like you two were growing apart for a while. I have a friend I kind of had to "break up" with and I know she never really understood even when I tried to explain it, because to her I guess it hadn't felt like there were any problems in our friendship. And I think we expect friendships to last forever, even more so than we expect it of romantic relationships, so it can be really difficult getting dumped by a friend. It's happened to me and it really is so painful.
Maybe if you assure her that an email response is all you're looking for? If she knows you won't be putting any pressure on her to talk on the phone or do it in person, it might be easier for her to give you an answer. I know I'm a lot like that. I tend to avoid emotional conversations and am much more comfortable saying things in writing.
but dude, please try to find a better counselor. Yours is an ass. :(
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Permalink Reply by mcglory13 on -
I wouldn't bother any more with the friend. I had a best friend dump me recently. I just started to type out the whole saga in commiseration and I got tired again. It hurt, it sucked, I attempted to get some pleasant closure (sorry we seemed to have grown apart, thanks for being my friend all those years, love you) and she dumped a pile of shit on me about how I'm an awful person. That was probably the least pleasant way to end things and I'm sorry I bothered. You've made a lot of efforts to get closure from your friend, I don't think it's happening. I think you need to focus on finding a way for you to get closure on this on your own. In fact, this just inspired me to unfriend her on Facebook the only place in which we could be labeled "friends."
In the meantime, dump the therapist and find one who doesn't call someone with depression a Debbie Downer.
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Permalink Reply by mightyninjamom on -
Ditto to all the above. I'm sorry I don't have any other advice for you - one of my weird personality traits is to drop people like a hot potato if it feels like things have gone sour. Life is too short to keep these damaging relationships. Sort of like the one you have with your therapist. I can't believe those words actually came out of her mouth.
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Permalink Reply by kommishoner on -
Fire your therapist. Calling you names is pretty much therapist malpractice.
And honestly, I wouldn't send the email. It sounds like she's trying to hold onto some kind of power by withholding care and communication and closure from you, and opening up to her one more time can only hurt you. Let the ball stay in her court, as that's where it belongs. Who knows why she's dumping you after being that close, but it's her damage, not yours, and you're better off without that kind of manipulation in your life. Let her go. I know you're lonely, but if you're trying to not be depressed having people in your life who treat you poorly is going to be a pretty big barrier to that.
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Permalink Reply by Zealflyer on -
I'll agree with the masses - your therapist would appear to suck. Does she help you to look at patterns in your relationships at all? I ask because I have had a very tough time with a very close friend in the past and it was because we reinforced each others negative patterns (mine to let other people dominate me, hers to dominate). I admit that I backed right off our friendship at a point when I was figuring a lot of shit out (though never to the point that you describe with your friend - that seems just rude). Now we are both working on our patterns and working to be close again. It could not even have that much to do with you or your actual relationship - sometimes people just like to reinvent themselves and that can be hard to do with those you have known for a long time. Or maybe she just feels overwhelmed by her own life and can't deal with your depression (Which is silly because all you need is a sympathetic ear right? But some friends feel like they must "fix" what is wrong in the lives of those close to them. And if they can't fix it they walk away.) I agree that you should let her go though - maybe she'll come back to the friendship when she's in a different place - but that much stalling would seem to indicate that she's not ready to deal with your (as in her and your) issues at the time. I would look for some new people to connect with - maybe a support group of some sort?
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Permalink Reply by rommie on -
I'm really sorry. I've been on both ends--the one cutting someone out (or trying to) and the one being cut out. I'm pretty sure the person on the other end of one friendship in particular that I walked away from will never understand why, and much as she drives me nuts, I would never be able to articulate why without just sounding mean. It's not that she's a bad person or friend or anything else; our lives just grew apart to the point where why had nothing in common anymore, and our personalities clash too badly to be able to maintain a friendship without those points of similarity. When I slowly started avoiding her, she took it upon herself to call and text constantly demanding more thorough reasons why, spy on me via mutual Facebook friends, and at one point drive out to my house in the middle of the woods and leave a multi-page letter on my doorstep. It wasn't anywhere near as close a relationship as yours was with K, but I wanted to put it out there just in case it made any sense. Sometimes, even if someone wanted to explain the "whys," even if the other person really does deserve it, they might just not have the words to do it without hurting someone that they once considered a friend, even if they no longer do. I've got to admit that I'm relieved F doesn't call or text much anymore, even though I feel guilty for feeling that way. I feel guilty just for not wanting that friendship.
I've been on the other end, too. A guy I called a brother, one of the couple of guys who my son's kinda-sorta named after, dropped me like a rock one day via email. I got the half-hearted explanation that his wife didn't want him talking to women on the internet (they'd moved out of the country, so the internet was the only feasible way for us to talk) and told not to reply. I was FURIOUS. M and I have been friends since long before I met my husband, and in some ways, I'm just as close to him as I am to the Engineer. I don't even merit a goodbye? A chance to explain to his wife that I'm no threat, no more than his sister by birth would be? It was heavily implied in the email that I had been doing something terrible just by existing. It killed me inside, and it still hurts to think about. It seemed better to let the relationship die than to drag it out and make it bitter as well as painful, so I never did try to contact him again. Still, I hope he reappears someday. I miss him, and the way we understood one another, terribly.
Don't know if that's even the slightest bit helpful. I'm with everyone else in thinking your therapist sucks. Unless you've done something intentionally awful to K, then your friendship falling apart isn't your fault. Maybe it's just something that's been in the making for a while as your personalities grow and evolve. Either way, I hope you can find some sort of peace with it.
BTW--if we weren't on opposite coasts, I'd totally come hang out with you. You're cool people.
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Permalink Reply by Andromeda on -
OK, firstly you all have confirmed my suspicion that no, I should not send the email.
Secondly, it seems that my therapist sucks. Honestly, I've only seen her 3 times so no real progress has been made. I'm getting the impression that she is more of a life coach. It seems she thinks I can just get a job and or figure out what I really want to be when I grow up to stop being so sad. Or, she actually said, "well why don't you just fix your marriage?" Gee, thanks. I hadn't thought about that! WTH? Maybe the problem with my marriage is that I have been so unthinkably sad that i am having a rough time being happy where I am and seeing the good things! Maybe I have no friends because I have been so fucking miserable that I have driven people away! I mean therapy should be helping me right? Maybe I do need a change and she's trying to tease that out of me, but I can go "do" something else but I have a feeling nothing will really change unless I get the depression sorted, right?
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Permalink Reply by ruth on
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Right. You need someone who will address the depression, figure out coping methods for that, where it comes from, is it situational or chemical or both, should you see a shrink for meds, etc. Not someone who tells you "just fix your marriage." WTF??? What is this person's background?? Wow.
I'm sorry she's so unhelpful. I said in my first comment that good therapists are REALLY hard to find, and it's true. You might have to test drive a couple before you find a good one. How did you find this dipshit?
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Permalink Reply by Andromeda on
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I found her on my insurance's website. All I really have to go on is a name when I pick one out. I've tried some sites to get recommendations, but I have yet to find one that has therapists in my area. I know it can take a while to see results, but I don't want to have to keep having first visits. I don't much like this at all. I just wish there was a better way to find help. It's such a crap-shoot. I have an appt. tomorrow. I don't really want to go now.
Oh and Rommie, I would totally hang out with you too. You are cool people too. :-)
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Permalink Reply by mightyninjamom on
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If you have the name from the insurance website, have you tried entering the name into Google just to see what pops up? There's a lot of sites now that rate professional services, including counseling services. You never know - you might find some reviews for some of those people, or even a personal website that might give you a better idea of what you'd be getting into.
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