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Financially protecting the SAH partner
Being the primary caregiver at home carries some fabulous benefits, but the position also has the drawback of creating no clear economic claim in return for one's labor. Further, not only are SAH partners not benefiting financially from their present labor, but they are arguably also losing out on the opportunity to develop the skills and experience that would let them move on to a decently-paying job once they no longer need to be full-time caregivers.
Now, I know these considerations come into play when marriages end -- in the form of alimony payments. But what about for the happy, ongoing relationship? In your own partnership, what do you do to protect the more-vulnerable financial future of the SAH partner, and how do you maintain a sense of financial equity in the present?
Now, I know these considerations come into play when marriages end -- in the form of alimony payments. But what about for the happy, ongoing relationship? In your own partnership, what do you do to protect the more-vulnerable financial future of the SAH partner, and how do you maintain a sense of financial equity in the present?
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Joe Mama on -
kana - I think you hit the point for PF and me as well - we both know that there is no way PF could have both a family and his job if I didn't make the kids my primary focus by only accepting jobs that work around their needs. He has a job he enjoys that compensates us well but requires a lot of travel - that can only happen because I can cover the homework/practice/sick kid/ permission slip drill.
He is certainly capable of doing everything I do, but the few times he has done it during the school year when I'm away has shown us both how hard it it for him to meet the responsibilities of both jobs. I think it is easier for me to accept the seemingly unbalanced nature of our financial contributions since I know at his paycheck also represents my efforts.
This is a big step for me, since for the first 10 years of our relationship I made more than he did (starting in college when the Navy was paying me for drinking ... I mean for learning Physics), and the switch to financial dependence did not come easy! I do have marketable skills, although I certainly couldn't earn as much as a teacher as we currently make with his salary and my part-time stuff.
kanachick said:But it is OUR job.
I make it possible for him to do his job. I make it possible for him to have late meetings and to not worry about paying a childcare for each minute he's late and to not worry that there's milk in the fridge for his breakfast or that he has something to wear. It's OUR job.
And now I think I'll hit Zappos and buy myself something cute with OUR money.
Mamawho said:.
He kind of views his job as "our" job - he would never take one that made me uncomfortable. He's had offers for lucrative positions working for military contracting firms that we all know about, and he turned them down. He wasn't thrilled, ethically, about working for them, but he liked the idea of the money to get us ahead, but he knew I'd be terribly uncomfortable. He's unapologetic about his willingness to compromise nearly all his principles for my and GW's well-being, so I'm his moral compass there. It's served us well.
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Permalink Reply by Boring User Name on -
You all have covered it all here! So my rambling thoughts: I am currently the at-home spouse. The finances still feel very equal because I had the high-paying job for years, so our savings (including the down payment for this house) was the result of my job. The way that we have maintained equality in spending is to give ourselves allowances of equal amounts to cover clothes, haircuts, lunches, nights out, etc., but anything and everything else goes into the joint account for either joint expenses or savings.
I'm not sure that I'm home forever, but a few things that I've thought about doing to keep myself feeling better about things are: 1) Contributing to an IRA under my name. A non-working spouse can do so. Obviously, if my husband's employer is match his 401(k) contributions, that makes more financial sense, but otherwise, I'm trying to keep my retirement savings growing as well. 2) Life Insurance: We do have life insurance for me and him--purchased based on my prior earning power. 3) Earmarking savings. The new house might be eating into this, but knowing that I'm likely facing a career change, I've tried to earmark money for future education for me.
As for why I'm home and he's not? A really good question. And an argument for feminism, I think. I do think that a life time of lack of self-esteem and a lack of pushiness on my part in the workplace made me not as successful as him at my job. So even though I was earning more, my long-term prospects weren't looking good. It was still a male-dominated profession and wasn't changing anytime soon.
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Permalink Reply by LeastLikely2Breed on -
I've been thinking of a post-nuptual agreement -- having given up so much and now being so far behind the career curve -- I'm not sure I could ever catch up should I ever have to.
In the mean time we both have our own life insurance policy, IRAs, savings account and I also have some EE and I bonds.
For now he brings home the veggie bacon and I fry it up.
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Permalink Reply by Future Fox on -
Wow. Such an interesting thread. I was a stay at home parent for 8 years during my marriage. I also finished my social work degree, and started my own doula business, and taught childbirth classes. None of that made much money, and I was still responsible for the full time care taking of our home and children. I would never trade those years that I was able to stay home with my children- that was such a beautiful time in my life. The work that I did during the marriage was more for my pleasure and personal satisfaction. I trusted my spouse with our finances- he proved to be untrustworthy (to put it nicely). I trusted him to be true to his word and provide for the children when we separated. It never occurred to me that he would change into the man he is today.
When we divorced, my ex promised child support and spousal support- but promptly lost his job. I get nothing from him. No child support. No spousal support. No house. I found myself in a very scary and overwhelming situation- limited work experience and no financial resources. Luckily, I found a wonderful job as a family advocate at a non profit, with flexible hours and a decent wage. I continue to take doula clients as well to supplement my full time work wages. Now I am working two jobs to support my 3 children completely on my own. But I am completely independent financially…and that makes all the hard work sooo worth it.
Having been in the situation of being completely financially dependant on my partner and then all of a sudden faced with being financially independent taught me a really hard lesson. No matter much I love and trust my partner; I still need to be able to support myself and my children. I am totally amazed things have worked out so well. It certainly is not easy- this past year has been a huge transition for my entire family. But there is such an amazing feeling that has come with my new found independence- confidence and a deep sense of pride.
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Permalink Reply by Renee Pix on -
This is something I struggle with. Husband is amazing, when we first married, he was opposed to a single joint account, instead, he wanted one joint for bills and then each of us have our own, but as soon as the Mini came into the picture & I was at home his tune quickly changed. I can say that I want for nothing, but there is a nagging voice in the back of my head saying that's not a good thing. My first marriage was always financially unbalanced--initially, I was the breadwinner & he was famously bad with money to the point of asking me to take him off our bank account and not allow him a bank card--when the tables turned & he made the money he never missed an opportunity to nag me about my spending.
So now, relying financially on Husband is a tough pill to swallow, but we both recognize that this is my "job" and that I contribute in many tangible and intangible ways. The savings on childcare, formula, and diapers add up quickly (since I breastfeed and cloth diaper, things that get complicated when you work 40+ hrs a week). He makes sure I have what I need and a little "housekeeping" money to do with as I please, we discuss all our larger purchases together, etc. To ensure my financial security, we do have a large life insurance policy, and for long run career eligibility, I am working on school part time. It gives me a little break from being "Mom" all day, and puts me on track to follow one of my other passions in the form of a career when our kids are in school.
As for the possibility of divorce--it's not one we discuss often. But realistically, if he found a way to weasel out of paying child support and/or lost his job, I would rely on family until I found my feet. I realize not everyone has that option, but thankfully I do, and I would get to work finishing my degrees to get into the workforce and get onto my feet (which would happen with or without child support, actually).
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Permalink Reply by jenra on -
For some reason which I'm unclear on... a relative who is going through a divorce called me up today. She spoke with her divorce attorney and asked about me for comparison wanting to understand more about divorce law and how it works. Apparently because of the length of time The Mister and I have maintained a household, been married, we have a kid and how long I've been a housewife - if we got divorced he'd be responsible for buying me a house plus child support and alimony at the most and paying for my further education plus child support and alimony at the least. I didn't think alimony was really done anymore in my state. And of course there is always the option of appeal and amending any judgements, these things often change when circumstances change.
In reality; if a comfortable settlement wasn't available in the event of divorce I know I could rely on my family to help out and I've never had a hard time finding work when I looked in the past. Right now would be bad timing due to the economy and health concerns but those are mere obstacles - it would be difficult for The Miniature mostly; I'd bounce back and move on as would The Mister.
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Permalink Reply by SaintMary on -
When I came across this topic I was hoping I was going to find someone's story that I could relate to, but it seems like all of you guys have it together way more than we do.
Earlier this year my parents loaned us (basically me) the money to open up a tattoo shop out where we live since it's a win situation. There's a need for a nice shop that doesn't over charge, is drug free, and treats their customers as more of a priority than the video games that are the primary focus of their shops. After putting together a business plan and finding a location we began construction. At this point, I had no idea I was pregnant. Of course it was great news, but it put a damper on how much I could help with getting the shop together.
Once it was finished we had our "grand opening", which ended up just being us with a couple of walk in customers, so it was nice that we already had business and we were really excited about that and had high hopes that word would travel and we would stay busy. Me being the body piercer, I've never made as much as my husband. Even though that was the case, we had planned on me building up some clientele and then when the baby came I would take a month or so off and then we would have a play yard/nursery set up in the back room where the break room was. We figured I would be able to work and we would both be able to take care of Evey together.
Well, Evey came the day after the grand opening, so I never had a chance to build up any clientele. With piercing it's nothing like tattoos. You have to physically be there when a customer walks in, otherwise they just go somewhere else, even if you are $10 less than anywhere else and have 14+ years experience. So, me not being there for the first month and trying to work by appointment just didn't work. We've been open since June and I still don't think I've even done ten piercings since I've been there. It's pretty depressing, and since Evey shows nothing but disdain being up at the shop as we had planned, that went right out the window. Needless to say, I became a SAHM. Don't get me wrong, I adore my time with her, but I think I would adore it much more if I could get my husband to pitch in more so that I didn't have so much to do.
Our shop is open from 2 p.m. until 8 p.m. which he doesn't stay past 7, at the latest, unless he's actually tattooing. Granted, we got an article in the local paper done on our shop because I had brought it to their attention that we were the only drug-free tattoo shop that I knew of in the area, and that helped quite a bit for a little while. To be honest, Ted's been doing a lot of advertising that's free. He takes part in a lot of social networking sites and adds local people. He makes sure to run weekly specials to get people in the door and it works some of the time. He's building clientele and that's good, but when I'm sitting at home with Evey and doing all the house work, I look forward to him coming home, or used to, because he would take over for me and give me a break.
All of this has changed in the last month or so. Now, he comes home and goes to take a nap. He doesn't even say hello to Evey. I know he resents me staying home because he really thinks that what I do all day is easy and that he could do it and be happy with it. Let's be realistic here, he pitches in at night when I need to sleep, he takes care of Evey for 4 hours and still complains about that. So, I seriously doubt that he could handle 21 hours a day with her, let alone get all the house work done.
To be fair, we will go over what he does at the shop. He gets there and opens up. Sweeps and sometimes mops. Then he spends about 4 hours online. This time is used to post bulletins with the specials, networking by adding more people that are local, and then he browses ebay where he spends money we don't have on things he doesn't need. I know all this because he hired a chick that tattoos and her and I got to be friends. She doesn't have any children, but can relate because of her sister having children and she saw her go through something similar with her husband and they ended up divorced.
I KNOW that he doesn't do as much physical labor at the shop that he claims to because when I get stir crazy I go up there to say hi and it's always the same thing. I either catch him napping or playing on the internet. So, when he comes home and naps, doesn't even bother to spend time with his daughter or me, see if there's anything he can do to help me out, that's when it keep building up inside me. He's taking for granted what I'm doing and isn't taking into consideration that my dream was always have my own tattoo shop to run properly, like a good shop should be run. I gave that up to stay at home with Evey because we can't afford childcare.
We are on food stamps, medicaid, and WIC. This helps some, but it doesn't help with the things that I feel like I need from him. Perhaps a hug and a thank you, treating me like his wife and the mother of his child instead of a room mate with a kid that keeps him up at night, etc.
Just for shits and giggles, I'm going to look something up. The going rate for nannies. This is for my area, I guess it differs depending on where you live:
Our rates are as follows; Non- Negotiable
Hourly $7 per hour (up to 5 hours)
Daily rate $40 (for anytime worked over 5 hours)
Overnight rate $50 (per 24 hrs of care)
Weekend rate $100 (Friday to Sunday or 3 days of 24hr care)
Weekly rate $150 (Monday to Friday - Days Only)
Weekly rate $200 (4-5 days 24hr care)
This becomes interesting because it would put me up there on the income as making more for the household than him.
I'm just lost on talking to him anymore, because he just tells me to go work at the shop and he'll take care of the baby. It's like trying to have a conversation with an 8 year old. I'm at a loss and don't know where to go at this point.
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Permalink Reply by jenra on
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The quickest way to show him what it's like to be home with the kid is to let him be home with the kid. Why not have you go to the shop when your hired artist is there to cover tats, and you can be there for piercings while he's home with the kid a few days a week? Many families with young kids have to juggle their schedules. Tell him you feel like you ended up being the one at home all the time by default and you don't want it that way, so lets work on a schedule that we're all happy with.
SaintMary said:When I came across this topic I was hoping I was going to find someone's story that I could relate to, but it seems like all of you guys have it together way more than we do.
Earlier this year my parents loaned us (basically me) the money to open up a tattoo shop out where we live since it's a win situation. There's a need for a nice shop that doesn't over charge, is drug free, and treats their customers as more of a priority than the video games that are the primary focus of their shops. After putting together a business plan and finding a location we began construction. At this point, I had no idea I was pregnant. Of course it was great news, but it put a damper on how much I could help with getting the shop together.
Once it was finished we had our "grand opening", which ended up just being us with a couple of walk in customers, so it was nice that we already had business and we were really excited about that and had high hopes that word would travel and we would stay busy. Me being the body piercer, I've never made as much as my husband. Even though that was the case, we had planned on me building up some clientele and then when the baby came I would take a month or so off and then we would have a play yard/nursery set up in the back room where the break room was. We figured I would be able to work and we would both be able to take care of Evey together.
Well, Evey came the day after the grand opening, so I never had a chance to build up any clientele. With piercing it's nothing like tattoos. You have to physically be there when a customer walks in, otherwise they just go somewhere else, even if you are $10 less than anywhere else and have 14+ years experience. So, me not being there for the first month and trying to work by appointment just didn't work. We've been open since June and I still don't think I've even done ten piercings since I've been there. It's pretty depressing, and since Evey shows nothing but disdain being up at the shop as we had planned, that went right out the window. Needless to say, I became a SAHM. Don't get me wrong, I adore my time with her, but I think I would adore it much more if I could get my husband to pitch in more so that I didn't have so much to do.
Our shop is open from 2 p.m. until 8 p.m. which he doesn't stay past 7, at the latest, unless he's actually tattooing. Granted, we got an article in the local paper done on our shop because I had brought it to their attention that we were the only drug-free tattoo shop that I knew of in the area, and that helped quite a bit for a little while. To be honest, Ted's been doing a lot of advertising that's free. He takes part in a lot of social networking sites and adds local people. He makes sure to run weekly specials to get people in the door and it works some of the time. He's building clientele and that's good, but when I'm sitting at home with Evey and doing all the house work, I look forward to him coming home, or used to, because he would take over for me and give me a break.
All of this has changed in the last month or so. Now, he comes home and goes to take a nap. He doesn't even say hello to Evey. I know he resents me staying home because he really thinks that what I do all day is easy and that he could do it and be happy with it. Let's be realistic here, he pitches in at night when I need to sleep, he takes care of Evey for 4 hours and still complains about that. So, I seriously doubt that he could handle 21 hours a day with her, let alone get all the house work done.
To be fair, we will go over what he does at the shop. He gets there and opens up. Sweeps and sometimes mops. Then he spends about 4 hours online. This time is used to post bulletins with the specials, networking by adding more people that are local, and then he browses ebay where he spends money we don't have on things he doesn't need. I know all this because he hired a chick that tattoos and her and I got to be friends. She doesn't have any children, but can relate because of her sister having children and she saw her go through something similar with her husband and they ended up divorced.
I KNOW that he doesn't do as much physical labor at the shop that he claims to because when I get stir crazy I go up there to say hi and it's always the same thing. I either catch him napping or playing on the internet. So, when he comes home and naps, doesn't even bother to spend time with his daughter or me, see if there's anything he can do to help me out, that's when it keep building up inside me. He's taking for granted what I'm doing and isn't taking into consideration that my dream was always have my own tattoo shop to run properly, like a good shop should be run. I gave that up to stay at home with Evey because we can't afford childcare.
We are on food stamps, medicaid, and WIC. This helps some, but it doesn't help with the things that I feel like I need from him. Perhaps a hug and a thank you, treating me like his wife and the mother of his child instead of a room mate with a kid that keeps him up at night, etc.
Just for shits and giggles, I'm going to look something up. The going rate for nannies. This is for my area, I guess it differs depending on where you live:
Our rates are as follows; Non- Negotiable
Hourly $7 per hour (up to 5 hours)
Daily rate $40 (for anytime worked over 5 hours)
Overnight rate $50 (per 24 hrs of care)
Weekend rate $100 (Friday to Sunday or 3 days of 24hr care)
Weekly rate $150 (Monday to Friday - Days Only)
Weekly rate $200 (4-5 days 24hr care)
This becomes interesting because it would put me up there on the income as making more for the household than him.
I'm just lost on talking to him anymore, because he just tells me to go work at the shop and he'll take care of the baby. It's like trying to have a conversation with an 8 year old. I'm at a loss and don't know where to go at this point.
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Permalink Reply by Kat on -
What you "should" get in a divorce and what you end up getting in a divorce are two different things. You really both have to agree to a settlement. If you don't, then you spend a lot of money in legal fees getting what you think is fair (or not giving what the other one thinks is fair). Unless you have a bucket of money sitting somewhere, most attorney's won't take on a contested divorce.
My divorce cost me $15,000 and 3 years. Probably he had similar costs. The bulk of that 3 years was nickle- and diming over stupid crap. He probably spent $400 to stop me from getting $100, that sort of thing. Yea, I was entitled to part of his military retirement, and a share of the equity in our home, but the legal fees really eroded the value of that. He was a stinker and had an attorney who had the strategy that if he just waited me out, I'd run out of money to pay my own attorney and then I'd just have to settle for way less than 1/2 of our assets. I wasn't even a SAHM, my older son went into daycare at 3 months and I went back to work (part of the reason we divorced was because he didn't see the value in SAHM-ness -- sure I could stay home with our son, but he wasn't going to give me any of "his" money. I went back to work because I couldn't live like that.)
A friend at work is going through a divorce. "Someone" told her that she should be getting $3000 a month in child support and alimony. She ended up on food stamps while the thing wound its way through court and now is finally get just child support, about $1000 for two boys. My child support for one child is $800/month.
Anyhow, alimony/child support rarely covers all your living expenses. I have a real fear of not being able to be self-sufficient, I am always very envious of couples that have that trust in each other. Not earning a tangible wage and depending on someone else puts you in such a vulnerable position. I've never been in a relationship where I could be that vulnerable.
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Permalink Reply by ferret on
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I keep a good wad of cash in case I need to get outta dodge and am planning on getting a document stating some of the things I want in case of a breakup.
There's no doubt in my mind husband could not have gotten this far in his career without me being the primary caregiver and working while he was in school.
Because there are no financial benefits to (sahp) job I have no qualms about demanding I get my due financially. and i do believe it is a job.
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Permalink Reply by SaintMary on
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You know what, Jenra...I made a compromise. I was really proud of myself for it too. You let me know what you guys think about this.
The Tattoo shop has a back room the size of the front of the shop and one of the reasons we liked that space was because I could put a nursery in a quarter of it and we could have Evey at work with us. That wasn't working out so well in the beginning because Evey just HATED it up there. I think it was the noise and unfamiliarity of the whole place.
Now that she's a little shy of 4 months, I've noticed what an active and curious interest she has in EVERYTHING. So, I proposed this:
Thursday, Friday, and Saturday I will take Evey to the shop with her bassinet/play-yard and I will work the whole day. This was I can be satisfied seeing Ted spend more time with her as well as contributing what I can to the household income. When and if I can swing more days than that, I will. I still need the time for the house work though. Not that Ted doesn't contribute, it's just that my idea of clean and his are polar opposites when it comes to our house.
I think in doing this it will make Evey a little more socialized, there's PLENTY of pretty pictures for her to look at, and having that space in the back will be priceless when she's fussy and we have customers.
Another great thing about this plan is that we have a chick that's working at the shop now. She started off as another Tattoo Artist, but after her first two tattoos healed and they came back to Ted to express their disappointment, it became clear she was either dishonest about her training or whoever trained her didn't know what they were doing. She's been great about being confronted with having a half assed apprenticeship and is open to dropping down a notch back to apprentice. I think this shows TONS of character and a real drive to do things right...Anyway...If Ted's busy and I have something to do, she's really good with Evey, so I'll have her as help as well.
I came to the conclusion while thinking about an argument I'd had with Ted about me giving up my dream that we got the money from my parents to accomplish and then me having to take a back seat and become a SAHM when my dream was being realized without me. I almost had to smack myself in the head when I realized that I'd done this to myself. The more I've gotten to know Evey and see how inquisitive she is, the more I've realized she will be perfectly fine being in a Tattoo shop.
So there it is. Three days a week, to start and to get Evey used to the new place she will be spending time. Ted, Joie (the apprentice), and I, all being there and Evey will have all the care and attention she could need.
As far as Evey's safety, in case some of you aren't familiar with how Tattoo shops are run and set up to maintain the sterile environment, our "dirty" area is completely blocked off in it's own corner and is separate from our clean area, which is where everything is sterile is kept until it's put in it's home in whoever's station it belongs to. EVERYONE that works in our shop participate continuing education and goes through a very STRICT training on sterilization with me before they are allowed anywhere near bio-hazardous materials. This isn't just for their safety, it's also so they don't take it with them all over the shop. I'm terrified of germs, so that's where my fear comes from with that. I worked for my step-father at his dental office, which only made me OCD when it came to microbes and such, LOL.
I feel like I did a good job coming up with this compromise and I think once I've seen Ted taking care of her at the shop I will have more faith in leaving her alone with him. I felt terrible telling him I felt like a single mother because I didn't trust him with her safety, it wasn't in the big picture and I explained that. I know he wouldn't ever let anything happen to her, but let's face it, he's an artist and they tend to be abstract in their thinking (which is my polite way of calling him flighty...LOL). I would just hate for something to happen accidentally and me feel like it would have never happened had I been watching her instead, which is totally irrational and I know that:)
The hardest thing for me was thinking about a divorce from him and I know that's not what I want. Everything else aside, it all seems petty compared to how much I love him and know that he's trying anf even though he may try my patience now and then, that's what marriage is. Good and bad, I'll always love him and my compromise provides us both to have our time together as a family.
Yeah? I done good? LOL
XOXO
-Me
jenra said:The quickest way to show him what it's like to be home with the kid is to let him be home with the kid. Why not have you go to the shop when your hired artist is there to cover tats, and you can be there for piercings while he's home with the kid a few days a week? Many families with young kids have to juggle their schedules. Tell him you feel like you ended up being the one at home all the time by default and you don't want it that way, so lets work on a schedule that we're all happy with.
SaintMary said:When I came across this topic I was hoping I was going to find someone's story that I could relate to, but it seems like all of you guys have it together way more than we do.
Earlier this year my parents loaned us (basically me) the money to open up a tattoo shop out where we live since it's a win situation. There's a need for a nice shop that doesn't over charge, is drug free, and treats their customers as more of a priority than the video games that are the primary focus of their shops. After putting together a business plan and finding a location we began construction. At this point, I had no idea I was pregnant. Of course it was great news, but it put a damper on how much I could help with getting the shop together.
Once it was finished we had our "grand opening", which ended up just being us with a couple of walk in customers, so it was nice that we already had business and we were really excited about that and had high hopes that word would travel and we would stay busy. Me being the body piercer, I've never made as much as my husband. Even though that was the case, we had planned on me building up some clientele and then when the baby came I would take a month or so off and then we would have a play yard/nursery set up in the back room where the break room was. We figured I would be able to work and we would both be able to take care of Evey together.
Well, Evey came the day after the grand opening, so I never had a chance to build up any clientele. With piercing it's nothing like tattoos. You have to physically be there when a customer walks in, otherwise they just go somewhere else, even if you are $10 less than anywhere else and have 14+ years experience. So, me not being there for the first month and trying to work by appointment just didn't work. We've been open since June and I still don't think I've even done ten piercings since I've been there. It's pretty depressing, and since Evey shows nothing but disdain being up at the shop as we had planned, that went right out the window. Needless to say, I became a SAHM. Don't get me wrong, I adore my time with her, but I think I would adore it much more if I could get my husband to pitch in more so that I didn't have so much to do.
Our shop is open from 2 p.m. until 8 p.m. which he doesn't stay past 7, at the latest, unless he's actually tattooing. Granted, we got an article in the local paper done on our shop because I had brought it to their attention that we were the only drug-free tattoo shop that I knew of in the area, and that helped quite a bit for a little while. To be honest, Ted's been doing a lot of advertising that's free. He takes part in a lot of social networking sites and adds local people. He makes sure to run weekly specials to get people in the door and it works some of the time. He's building clientele and that's good, but when I'm sitting at home with Evey and doing all the house work, I look forward to him coming home, or used to, because he would take over for me and give me a break.
All of this has changed in the last month or so. Now, he comes home and goes to take a nap. He doesn't even say hello to Evey. I know he resents me staying home because he really thinks that what I do all day is easy and that he could do it and be happy with it. Let's be realistic here, he pitches in at night when I need to sleep, he takes care of Evey for 4 hours and still complains about that. So, I seriously doubt that he could handle 21 hours a day with her, let alone get all the house work done.
To be fair, we will go over what he does at the shop. He gets there and opens up. Sweeps and sometimes mops. Then he spends about 4 hours online. This time is used to post bulletins with the specials, networking by adding more people that are local, and then he browses ebay where he spends money we don't have on things he doesn't need. I know all this because he hired a chick that tattoos and her and I got to be friends. She doesn't have any children, but can relate because of her sister having children and she saw her go through something similar with her husband and they ended up divorced.
I KNOW that he doesn't do as much physical labor at the shop that he claims to because when I get stir crazy I go up there to say hi and it's always the same thing. I either catch him napping or playing on the internet. So, when he comes home and naps, doesn't even bother to spend time with his daughter or me, see if there's anything he can do to help me out, that's when it keep building up inside me. He's taking for granted what I'm doing and isn't taking into consideration that my dream was always have my own tattoo shop to run properly, like a good shop should be run. I gave that up to stay at home with Evey because we can't afford childcare.
We are on food stamps, medicaid, and WIC. This helps some, but it doesn't help with the things that I feel like I need from him. Perhaps a hug and a thank you, treating me like his wife and the mother of his child instead of a room mate with a kid that keeps him up at night, etc.
Just for shits and giggles, I'm going to look something up. The going rate for nannies. This is for my area, I guess it differs depending on where you live:
Our rates are as follows; Non- Negotiable
Hourly $7 per hour (up to 5 hours)
Daily rate $40 (for anytime worked over 5 hours)
Overnight rate $50 (per 24 hrs of care)
Weekend rate $100 (Friday to Sunday or 3 days of 24hr care)
Weekly rate $150 (Monday to Friday - Days Only)
Weekly rate $200 (4-5 days 24hr care)
This becomes interesting because it would put me up there on the income as making more for the household than him.
I'm just lost on talking to him anymore, because he just tells me to go work at the shop and he'll take care of the baby. It's like trying to have a conversation with an 8 year old. I'm at a loss and don't know where to go at this point.
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Permalink Reply by jenra on
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I hope the compromise works out! It's hard to get all the bits and peices together as a family, isn't it? Your shop sounds great, once Evey gets used to the new smells and sounds and all that it should work out. Will you be able to afford a sitter or daycare when she's a little older? I can't imagine keeping a toddler/preschoooler out of the sterile rooms all the time (sounds like a major chore!), but some kids are way more obedient and chill. I do know kids that would be fine to chill in the back room with the stuff they are meant to be playing with.
I'm glad to hear your apprentice lady is taking the "demotion" well. It's a really serious thing when a person has a bad tat, hopefully her training will help her be better.
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