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Financially protecting the SAH partner
Being the primary caregiver at home carries some fabulous benefits, but the position also has the drawback of creating no clear economic claim in return for one's labor. Further, not only are SAH partners not benefiting financially from their present labor, but they are arguably also losing out on the opportunity to develop the skills and experience that would let them move on to a decently-paying job once they no longer need to be full-time caregivers.
Now, I know these considerations come into play when marriages end -- in the form of alimony payments. But what about for the happy, ongoing relationship? In your own partnership, what do you do to protect the more-vulnerable financial future of the SAH partner, and how do you maintain a sense of financial equity in the present?
Now, I know these considerations come into play when marriages end -- in the form of alimony payments. But what about for the happy, ongoing relationship? In your own partnership, what do you do to protect the more-vulnerable financial future of the SAH partner, and how do you maintain a sense of financial equity in the present?
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Mamawho on
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I think about this occasionally. I have absolutely no personal financial security. Fortunately, my husband is totally unattached to money and truly views his wages as ours equally. On top of kid-wrangling being the bulk of my CV, I'm really not able to work, even if I needed to. If I suddenly found myself single, I'd be in a world of shit.
We haven't done much officially to ensure financial equity, mostly because we're normally a little light on the financial end. :) We keep a joint account and I pay all the bills, because it would have been easier that way if he had deployed. We also have power of attorney documents, so I have full control if need be. Small purchases can be made independently, but nothing big without discussion and agreement/compromise. He never begrudges paying for something expensive for me, even though he makes the money, but he never makes me feel like he's buying the little lady something.
DW has an excellent life insurance policy. But that's about it. I have a moderate inheritance in the pipes that will get paid out over several years, and that's technically "mine," but we have some of it earmarked for joint stuff.
Basically, I'd be screwed if the marriage ended. I'm confident that my marriage is healthy, but I'm not naive. If there's a marriage, there's always a chance of divorce. I trust my husband, and that extends to trusting that he would be equitable in that event.
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Permalink Reply by hermit crab on -
Mamawho said:
We haven't done much officially to ensure financial equity, mostly because we're normally a little light on the financial end. :) We keep a joint account and I pay all the bills, because it would have been easier that way if he had deployed. We also have power of attorney documents, so I have full control if need be. Small purchases can be made independently, but nothing big without discussion and agreement/compromise. He never begrudges paying for something expensive for me, even though he makes the money, but he never makes me feel like he's buying the little lady something.
I totally think that splitting up the roles of main breadwinner and main purseholder is a good idea. Getting power of attorney is a great idea too - we still need to do that.
DW has an excellent life insurance policy. But that's about it. I have a moderate inheritance in the pipes that will get paid out over several years, and that's technically "mine," but we have some of it earmarked for joint stuff.
Do you think about getting a life insurance policy, in order to cover the expense of the caregiving you currently provide? [puh puh - Eastern European spitting on the ground to ward off the evil eye]
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Do you think about getting a life insurance policy, in order to cover the expense of the caregiving you currently provide? [puh puh - Eastern European spitting on the ground to ward off the evil eye]
I believe that SAH parents should have a life insurance policy - the surviving parent would have a number of extra costs, especially childcare. But, with my freaky genetic disorder, life insurance companies just laugh uproariously if I try to get coverage. My in-laws would step in and help DW out in that event. (repeating your warding-off)
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Permalink Reply by kanachick on -
I guess there's no real my/his financial future - just our financial future. If I weren't trapped in the US I could have walked back into a teaching position after spending several years home with my kids...if I weren't trapped in the US I never would have given up teaching entirely anyway and wouldn't be looking at dumping a pile of money into continuing Ed at this point. But...that's another diary.
We have a life insurance policy on me so he could hire a real housekeeper if I kicked it. So that's good...
I think we maintain a sense of financial equity in the present by neither one of us being big spenders and the one of us who makes the money not being an ass about it. Also, when things get weird I remind him that I'm not making much money because it was his big idea to move down here so he could change careers and make us millions and that didn't work out so he can shut up and rub my feet.
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Permalink Reply by The Oracle on -
Okay, wow. I think you just uncovered a huge reason I've been so short-tempered lately. I don't think I'm too concerned about my financial future: If we divorced or Alan died, I feel like I have a lot of resources (some retirement I could cash in, as well as family support, equity in the house and at-least-until-recently-marketable skills). I'm pretty confident I could stay afloat for long enough to get back on my feet.
But the other question -- how we maintain a sense of financial equity? That's huge for me, and right now it feels like we don't, and I think it's been bothering me without me realizing it. But I had a really strong reaction to your post, so obviously there's something there.
Alan both earns the money and pays the bills (both our names are on all the bills and most of the accounts, but he's the one who sits down and pays). I tend to be the one who initiates budgets, savings plans, etc. but he's the one who really has to make sure those plans are enforced. Sometimes he makes decisions about where to cut corners without consulting me -- because I'm off with the baby, or we're too exhausted to talk about it, or he feels there's no alternative or whatever. There are legitimate reasons but I often end up feeling in the dark about our day-to-day finances, and I hate it.
I guess I just realized that, without really noticing it, I've gradually ended up feeling ingratiated and like I owe him something. I know intellectually that it's not true but money is such potent power that it's hard to instinctively value something that's not money. I have to remind myself that I'm on my feet from 7:30 a.m. to at least 9:30 p.m. every day with childcare, housekeeping, cooking, chauffering, coordinating, monitoring, disciplining etc. etc. etc. as well as unpacking, dealing with contractors, and looking for a job -- and I don't ever get a lunch break. I don't even get 20 minutes with NPR in the car on the way to anywhere. So I kinda feel like, yeah, I'm not getting paid but I have no reason at all to feel like I'm getting a free ride. Far from it. But it's fucking hard to remember.
/martyrdom rant
Uhhh ... We don't make major purchases without consulting each other, so there is that. AND, to his very very big credit, Alan doesn't act like an asshole about it. This is almost entirely my own complex.
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Permalink Reply by wookie on -
We have two joint accounts, but we each manage one account and manage different expenses. I handle the weekly expenses and one-offs (daycare, gas, groceries, summer camp, swimming lessons) and he handles the monthly bills (credit cards, mortgage, insurance, phone, etc. etc. etc.).
I have life insurance but it is not the greatest. His is better, but either way if one of us were to die unexpectedly our income would halve / our expenses double, basically.
It's somewhat equitable, but because we have similar total expenses (I pay more in daycare than our mortgage, but he has all the household bills besides), yet he gets paid signifigantly more than I do... it doesn't feel equitable to me. I brown bag it, he goes out to lunch and takes his team leads. I have leaky shoes so that the kids can have winter coats, he waxes poetic about buying a big TV and is surprised when I take his head off. He immediately told me to put the shoes on the credit card and shut up about the TV, but there is a definate disconnect there... he isn't aware of that lower level 'what is going on' with the house/personal expenses.
Basically, it feels like he is more successful than I am. I am the one who is constantly struggling to pay "my" bills even though they are our bills. I don't like asking for help, it makes me feel like I have failed to hold up my end of the bargain. And that is kind of stupid. It's not help, they're his bills too. But I still feel that way.
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Permalink Reply by mightyninjamom on -
AlphaGeek and I have very different roles - he earns the money, I figure out how we spend it. He is better at the long term financial planning, so he handles our retirement accounts and figured out our life insurance. Worst case scenario, we have a lot of family that would help us out. If AlphaGeek died suddenly, I would have a bit of protection until I was able to figure something out.
It is still a little hard for me to accept that his paycheck is OUR paycheck, but he has never said anything to indicate that he feels otherwise. That makes it easier.
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Permalink Reply by mcglory13 on -
When I look around, at all the brilliant ambitious women I know, and see how many of them have somehow ended up working part time, or staying at home, or largely dependent upon their male spouse's salary, I know we still need feminism. And I'm not saying there's anything *wrong* with staying at home, just that, you know, I know a ton of women who are home or are making far, far less money than their spouse, and that's just... odd. I didn't grow up in a very conservative traditional crowd.
At any rate, we have a lot of life insurance on the spouse and a wee bit on me. I run all the money, because he's terrible with it. It's not that he spends excessively, he would just never remember to pay the bills. I've organized the retirement savings as well. Neither of us purchases anything over $50 without consulting with the other person. I have a hard time with the equitable thing. Mostly I try to feel ok about it as long as I'm working like a crazy person, regardless of how much I get paid. If we're doing the same amount of labor, it's not my fault society doesn't reward teachers.
I think some of this is helped by the fact that we have been together since he was 20 and I was 19. I have always had a pretty active role in his career, in the sense of encouraging him to find new positions when the old one wasn't treating him well or financially rewarding his work (he'd just stay in the same place forever), talking through various issues with him, etc. He has in mine too, of course, but it hasn't had quite the same financial pay off. :) Because we've pretty much lived our adult lives together, we've always thought of our money as our money too.
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DW and I were 22 and 28 when we got married, but it was before he started his current career. (He was basically a surfer with lethal skills when we met.) The fact that we entered his professional career together, with me helping with his resume, etc., and making those decisions together adds to our sense of financial equality. While starting out with your partner young can have its drawbacks, there are some relationship benefits to entering full-fledged adulthood together.
He kind of views his job as "our" job - he would never take one that made me uncomfortable. He's had offers for lucrative positions working for military contracting firms that we all know about, and he turned them down. He wasn't thrilled, ethically, about working for them, but he liked the idea of the money to get us ahead, but he knew I'd be terribly uncomfortable. He's unapologetic about his willingness to compromise nearly all his principles for my and GW's well-being, so I'm his moral compass there. It's served us well.
mcglory13 said:When I look around, at all the brilliant ambitious women I know, and see how many of them have somehow ended up working part time, or staying at home, or largely dependent upon their male spouse's salary, I know we still need feminism. And I'm not saying there's anything *wrong* with staying at home, just that, you know, I know a ton of women who are home or are making far, far less money than their spouse, and that's just... odd. I didn't grow up in a very conservative traditional crowd.
At any rate, we have a lot of life insurance on the spouse and a wee bit on me. I run all the money, because he's terrible with it. It's not that he spends excessively, he would just never remember to pay the bills. Neither of us purchases anything over $50 without consulting with the other person. I have a hard time with the equitable thing. Mostly I try to feel ok about it as long as I'm working like a crazy person, regardless of how much I get paid. If we're doing the same amount of labor, it's not my fault society doesn't reward teachers.
I think some of this is helped by the fact that we have been together since he was 20 and I was 19. I have always had a pretty active role in his career, in the sense of encouraging him to find new positions when the old one wasn't treating him well or financially rewarding his work (he'd just stay in the same place forever), talking through various issues with him, etc. He has in mine too, of course, but it hasn't had quite the same financial pay off. :) Because we've pretty much lived our adult lives together, we've always thought of our money as our money too.
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Permalink Reply by mightyninjamom on
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mcg - that was definitely something that came up, when AlphaGeek and I started talking about having kids. My job only paid me about a quarter of what his did. We knew going into it that I would be staying at home, and I told him I was worried about being so dependent on him for my financial well-being. I think it helped that we didn't have kids until we'd been married for about four years - there was much less sorting out that needed to be done. And like both you and mamawho, AG and I married early, compared to some of our friends. AlphaGeek is similar to your husband, in that he would stay at the same job, unless properly motivated.
For me, getting back into massage therapy would probably not be too difficult - I've maintained my professional credentials by keeping my continuing ed up to date, and keeping all my professional memberships current as well. My field is pretty forgiving!
mcglory13 said:When I look around, at all the brilliant ambitious women I know, and see how many of them have somehow ended up working part time, or staying at home, or largely dependent upon their male spouse's salary, I know we still need feminism. And I'm not saying there's anything *wrong* with staying at home, just that, you know, I know a ton of women who are home or are making far, far less money than their spouse, and that's just... odd. I didn't grow up in a very conservative traditional crowd.
. I think some of this is helped by the fact that we have been together since he was 20 and I was 19. I have always had a pretty active role in his career, in the sense of encouraging him to find new positions when the old one wasn't treating him well or financially rewarding his work (he'd just stay in the same place forever), talking through various issues with him, etc. He has in mine too, of course, but it hasn't had quite the same financial pay off. :) Because we've pretty much lived our adult lives together, we've always thought of our money as our money too.
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Permalink Reply by kanachick on
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But it is OUR job.
I make it possible for him to do his job. I make it possible for him to have late meetings and to not worry about paying a childcare for each minute he's late and to not worry that there's milk in the fridge for his breakfast or that he has something to wear. It's OUR job.
And now I think I'll hit Zappos and buy myself something cute with OUR money.
Mamawho said:.
He kind of views his job as "our" job - he would never take one that made me uncomfortable. He's had offers for lucrative positions working for military contracting firms that we all know about, and he turned them down. He wasn't thrilled, ethically, about working for them, but he liked the idea of the money to get us ahead, but he knew I'd be terribly uncomfortable. He's unapologetic about his willingness to compromise nearly all his principles for my and GW's well-being, so I'm his moral compass there. It's served us well.
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Permalink Reply by jenra on -
We became a couple young, got married young, and are still pretty darn young! Retirement is a long way off, but it is something I'd like to focus more on preparing for in the next ten years.
I will have to go back to school when I go back to work, no big surprise there. I'll likely be working to fund it so that we don't have to dip into savings.
As for my own financial security given that I'm the stay at home parent... The Mister has always treated me as an equal, that includes money. We are quite happy as a couple and plan to continue on that as we age. We have discussed what we'd do if one of us died or we split up. We actually talked about what we'd do if we divorced (among many other topics, like how many kids to have, where are we going to raise them etc.) before we got married and worked out a pretty hip arrangement. I hope it's never tested!
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