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Fights in front of the kids?
The Mister and I had a nasty (well, for us...) argument today in front of The Boy. I made a stupid mistake and The Mister yelled and pointed out how stupid my mistake was, then wouldn't stop yelling. If we had been alone I probably would have just gotten some space and talked to him later about it. Because The Boy was there, I couldn't back down. I felt like if this is what The Boy sees when we argue he's going to think he can treat his future partners poorly.
Most of the time things are calm and happy in our family. We don't fight much, when we do we are usually able to keep our voices down and not call each other names. Today we did yell and call each other names. Then The Mister wouldn't acknowledge that he even had anything to apologize for for hours after. The Boy hid in the hallway outside our bedroom, listening while we hashed out our apologies.
I cringed when he said that he feels better now that Daddy has apologized because he really was being mean. I never want him to take sides in our disagreements, even if he's siding with me. It just seems dysfunctional. I also can't have The Boy seeing us being mean to each other. It was so nasty. (for us...) I told The Boy that when his parents are arguing it's really not about him and he shouldn't be eavesdropping or taking sides. It's rude to eavesdrop and our arguments are our concern.
Do your kids ever see you fight? How do you deal with it? Do the kids try to get involved, and if so, what do you do about it?
Most of the time things are calm and happy in our family. We don't fight much, when we do we are usually able to keep our voices down and not call each other names. Today we did yell and call each other names. Then The Mister wouldn't acknowledge that he even had anything to apologize for for hours after. The Boy hid in the hallway outside our bedroom, listening while we hashed out our apologies.
I cringed when he said that he feels better now that Daddy has apologized because he really was being mean. I never want him to take sides in our disagreements, even if he's siding with me. It just seems dysfunctional. I also can't have The Boy seeing us being mean to each other. It was so nasty. (for us...) I told The Boy that when his parents are arguing it's really not about him and he shouldn't be eavesdropping or taking sides. It's rude to eavesdrop and our arguments are our concern.
Do your kids ever see you fight? How do you deal with it? Do the kids try to get involved, and if so, what do you do about it?
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Herasmus B. Dragon on
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Hubby and I are passionate people, both in loving and in fighting. Yes, we yell at each other, and while we do everything possible to make sure heated things aren't brought up in front of short people, sometimes it happens and there's no stopping it. But we ALWAYS make a point of talking it through to a resolution, hugging, and apologizing to each other for raising our voices at the other one. Yes, our kids see us angry at each other every once in a while, but they also learn how to work through an argument by listening fully to both sides and coming up with compromises or solutions, and how to make up on the other side. Hopefully they will each find a partner less hard-headed than their two parents.
They don't see the real making up, though.
If she's present, Big O will come give a big hug to whomever seems more upset at the time, and usually her presence works wonders at calming the waters. We tell her we're sorry that she heard us arguing and that it probably made her sad and scared, but that our anger didn't involve her, we still love each other very much, and we would be talking more calmly while we try to come up with a solution to the problem we were arguing about.
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Permalink Reply by WWDD: What Would Dad Do? on -
Oh man, the MRS and I just went at it today too. It's rare but sometimes it happens. I think you did the right thing today though in explaining to your son. Nobody is perfect and you just have to make sure your children understand that you guys love each other and that sometimes people who love each other disagree. Life is stressful for us as parents and I never would have imagined it to be such as this when I was a kid. I thought being married and having kids would be easy but boy was I wrong. Obviously it doens't happen often for you and for us either, but just know you're not alone and that you're in good company. I just joined today but I love this place! it's very cool and glad it exists! And I like that you weren't afraid to discuss something that many people deny--arguing in front of your kids. It happens!
Hal
http://www.whatwoulddaddo.com
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Permalink Reply by Daria on -
I wish my parents had argued more in front of us. As it way, I was convinced that my dad always got his way. And who knows, maybe that was the case in the early days. But, I was well into my 20s before recognizing that my mom had opinions.
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Permalink Reply by Floor Pie on -
Me to Mr. Black: You're being such an asshole!
The Boy (age 2): Huh? Daddy's a castle?
.
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Permalink Reply by mcglory13 on -
From what I've read, fighting in front of kids is important because they see that normal people have disputes and how to go about solving them.
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Permalink Reply by mightyninjamom on -
We don't argue often, but we'll have a disagreement in front of the kids. I don't see any point hiding it - they will learn sooner or later that in relationships fights happen. Although AlphaGeek and I are pretty mellow even when fighting. We generally don't do any name calling or anything too nasty. If we did, our son would call us to order. I'm not kidding - he and his sister will both get involved with our arguments and pick sides.
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Permalink Reply by Mamawho on
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Well, in 9 years of marriage, we have yet to have a fight. There have been disagreements, but voices have never been raised. I'm a screamy, yeller, nasty fighter, so this is odd behavior for me. But we have not shooed GirlWho away while we were disagreeing about anything.
I grew up with my grandparents, who were terribly devoted to one another, if only out of spite. They hated each other, but couldn't bear to be apart. I never saw or heard them argue, but you could feel the electricity in the room if they were in there together. I'd rather have heard them fight.
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Permalink Reply by wookie on -
We disagree in front of the kids, but anything serious or anything ABOUT the kids we take "outside".
95% of our arguments happen in the pre-functioning, pre-breakfast, pre-coffee weekend morning period. We send the kids to their room so we can have the discussion as rationally as possible without interruptions, whining, questions or smart-ass commentary.
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Permalink Reply by Mommy Monster on -
We had a doozy not too long ago. Fairly short duration, but exceptionally high intensity. Involved some name calling and cursing. This doesn't happen very often for us.
Obviously, anything verbally abusive or violent is totally out of bounds, but run of mill marital spats? I think it's OK to let the kids see us fight when we are fighting fair, and even sometimes that we totally lose our shit. The key is, that they see us also apologize and admit where we were wrong, and they see us forgive each other.
Also, I totally agree with Wookie. Fights ABOUT the kids are off limits in front of the kids. And, for us, fights about money, which lead to abnormal anxiety levels with Raidne, are also off limits.
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Permalink Reply by StitchyWench on -
I agree with those who've said it's good to show kids that sometimes adults disagree and we argue. Healthy conflict resolution skills are learned. I can't imagine my husband ever yelling at me, he's too passive aggressive to raise his voice. But we call each other out. Lately most of the fighting in my house is between me and my daughter. That's a fun stage of life! The kids have been arguing with each other more often lately, too.
Now we are in that place where my husband has to call me and the girl out for being out of line with each other. I'm having to not take sides and remind both of the kids at once to be kind and respectful (and take advantage of the fact that we have two bathrooms up stairs when they are trying to get ready at the same time) to each other.
The key seems to be that arguing is normal and healthy if done right, and those on the sidelines have to learn not to take sides but to gently remind others to get it together and solve their problems constructively.
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Permalink Reply by jenra on -
What concerned me most is that my husband was acting sort of verbally abusive. He was actually yelling that I was stupid, he couldn't believe that I had done something like that, what is wrong with you, Jesus Christ! He has absolutely never done this before and I've known him for almost twenty years.
I agree that it's healthy for kids to see people disagree and argue and handle it in a healthy way - how else are they going to learn?
What about when the fights go all Jerry Springer? Nobody was throwing blows, but it felt about as classy.
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